


To Save An Angel

by LM84



Series: Fighting Life [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel (Supernatural) Whump, Desperation, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Family, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Past Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Past Violence, Protective Dean Winchester, Sick Castiel (Supernatural), Worried Gabriel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2020-04-24 16:17:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 54,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19176892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LM84/pseuds/LM84
Summary: Sequel to 'I Give Myself to you' following on from 'This is the way you left me', part 3 of the fighting life series.Castiel Novak lost everything the day his parents found out he was gay.From having everything he could ever want or need, to fighting for food every week Castiel has one reason left to live. His baby brother and sister who depend on him for everything.After suffering alone in the world and having given everything to protect them, Castiel has lost the fight for a better life for his siblings and given them up into care.Now the people that knew him must race to find and save him, from a life without hope or love.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back to anyone who has followed the story this far. This is where things start to finally head in the right direction for our Cas, but he has a long way to go yet.
> 
> UPDATE: I felt brave after the little bit of support I received for this series of fics so I have now taken off the comment moderation. I think I can handle any nastiness that comes my way and I hope this will mean more people will comment as posting this series again, especially the first fic took a lot of courage. Even a line makes a writers day.

Dean didn’t know what made him think of the guy. It had been three years. He’d just found out his fiancé had been lying to him for most of their relationship and yet he was sat here thinking about a set of blue eyes that had used to make his stomach flutter. Steve. The kid was probably dead, he realized, or locked in a basement somewhere.

He still couldn’t believe he’d been overpowered by someone two inches shorter than him and malnourished. He’d really thought he was the one at the time, but now, it all felt like a distant memory. He’d only met the guy twice after all. Probably just hormones. Lisa had helped him move on from a very dark place, helped him accept that Steve was gone and not coming back. He’d been convinced that was love too, but now he was sitting here, drinking himself into oblivion. He was obviously just not cut out for relationships.

“You ok Dean?”

“Yeah fine.” He huffed at his little lawyer brother, home for the holidays.

“What Lisa did Dean... I mean you could sue if you wanted to.”

“Sam seriously!”

“Just saying!”

“That’s not even it.”

“What, you’re not sat here moping about Lisa?”

“Partly but I was just thinking about Steve.”

“Steve? That bloke who got raped. Dean that was...”

“I loved him Sam, at least I thought so then... After everything with Lisa and...well he’s most likely dead all because...”

“Dean that wasn’t your fault. The guy jumped you.”

“It’s me Sam, I should have seen it coming.”

“He was desperate and afraid and completely unpredictable.” A bit like Cas had been the last time Sam had seen him. He couldn’t believe they’d never found that guy either. Steve haunted Dean and Cas haunted Sam. He could understand what his brother was feeling. “There was nothing you could have done. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.” Sam said sadly.

There was a moment of silence as Dean took another gulp of beer. It was going to take him all night to get pissed on this shit.

“Ahhh what am I going to do about Ben!” Dean raked his fingers over his face in frustration. “I mean, I don’t have a leg to stand on for custody, right?”

“Not really.” Sam said bluntly. “Even visitation will be tricky Dean, but I’m good, you know I’m good and I’ll fight all the way if you want me to.”

His little brother could have conquered the world as a lawyer, but he chose family law, not the big bucks prosecution. He was going to help a lot of people, but Dean doubted even Sammy could help him.

“Of course, I want you too, I mean I don’t care what the paternity test says, Ben’s my kid and I love him. But, what are the chances though, really Sammy? I mean, I’m not even the kid’s father, just some dumb chump who believed his girlfriend when she told him he got her pregnant. I should have known she was fucking someone else. How could I be so stupid? I gave up everything for that bitch!”

Sam sat on the sofa next to Dean and grabbed his brother, pulling him onto a hug. Dean didn’t fight it and the two of them just sat there for a while.

“No chick flick moments.” Dean muttered into his brother’s shoulder.

“Dean, just shut up.” Sam sighed and reached for the remote. “Let’s watch the news. That always cheers you up.” Sam rolled his eyes. How Dean managed to find something to laugh at in even the most grim news stories he would never understand.

“I want to smash something.” Dean grumbled.

“You can go beat up some cars in the scrap yard later, let’s just take a minute first ok?”

“Fine.”

………....

Jo sat on the customer side of the bar before opening hours. She wasn’t tired, she was bored, and the rolling news feed was all that was on at this time of day, apart from pathetic game shows or crappy day time dramas that just made her want to scratch her eyes out.

“News just in. A Top Lawyer has lost the custody battle over her two youngest children for a second time, this time to her own son in what has been a very strange and worrying case.”

Jo remembered this thing. It had been dragging on for months, but there had been very little background information given. Too kids had been abandoned in a police station and left to social services. The mum and their eldest brother had been fighting over custody for months. Where the kids had been or who they’d been with, or what had happened to the Dad, no one seemed to know. She reached for the remote and turned it up a little.

“The once prolific prosecutor Naomi Novak and mother of 5, divorced her husband James Novak 8 years ago but lost custody of all three underage children to her husband after shouting homophobic abuse across the court room and refusing to take in her gay son. Since this incident Ms. Novak’s career suffered badly, however she is now engaged to Real estate developer Bartholomew Harrington and they are due to marry next spring.”

The female news anchor began and passed it over to her male co-anchor. Jo’s jaw dropped. Novak...didn’t some of them live round here? Didn’t Sam used to be friends with one of them? Cassiel? No, Castiel. Yeah, he’d just disappeared from Stanford after Sam saw him beat up. Now she was intrigued.

“James Novak died 5 years later and his brother, the notorious Lucifer Pellegrino gained custody, before being incarcerated for raping and abusing many underage men and women nearly 3 years go.”

“Oh my God!”

She remembered that news story too. That Guy looked like a pervert, he’d been done for a massive gang rape by an undercover cop and he’d had custody of those kids! She couldn’t believe it. She felt sick.

“After the arrest, the authorities were highly concerned for the safety of the then 9-year-old twins Anael and Samandriel, as well as their 19-year brother Castiel, but Social services were unable to find them despite 6 months of searching.”

Jo scoffed aloud, how hard could it be to find two kids and a 19-year old. They were hardly CIA agents. She knew half the time the police didn’t really bother trying to look, just waited for people to come to them with information.

“In a surprising turn, having not been seen or heard of for 3 years, the twins were turned in to social services sparking a 5-month custody battle that was won today by the eldest Son of Naomi Novak, Gabriel and his wife Supermodel Kali Sharma who had the wedding of the decade last year.”

“Castiel Novak is still missing and his older brothers have launched a plea for any information that might help them in the search.”

A short, relatively good-looking Man with long well-groomed honey brown hair was stood in the typical press room. She hated these pleas. She hated the pain in the family’s eyes and the knowledge that they were probably never going to find the person they were looking for. Stood next to the man was a gorgeous black woman that she recognized from magazine covers. Her eyes were sad, and her fingers threaded with her husband’s, while an equally distressed looking guy with short blond hair stood the other side.

“If anyone has seen or thinks they have seen Castiel in the last 5 or 6 years, particularly those in the San Jose area, please come forward. And Cassie if you’re watching this baby bro, we are so sorry and please, even if you want nothing to do with us, just let us know you’re alive.” The name Gabriel Novak came up on the screen and the man spoke.

“We love you Cassie and we’re sorry. I’m sorry.” The blond-haired man, Balthazar finished off, his voice cracking as his brother pulled him away.

The footage returned to the news room and the female anchor continued the story.

“The family do not have a recent photo of Castiel, but they have this taken when he was 14 years old.”

“Jesus Fucking Christ!” Jo yelled. She’d recognize those eyes and that messy hair anywhere.

“Joanna Beth Harvelle, what on Earth is the matter?”

“That’s Steve. That’s fucking Steve. But it’s not Steve, its actually that Novak kid!” Jo ranted.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know, Steve that worked here and you made him quit. Quiet, scruffy, always beat up Steve that Dean thought was the love of his life.”

Ellen frowned in concern. Jo didn’t know about how it had ended with Steve...She hadn’t wanted her daughter to know that. Dean had been heart-broken initially, searched for him for months, but then he met Lisa and hadn’t talked about it since.

“What about him?” She asked casually, cleaning a glass with a cloth.

“Turns out he’s not a Steve at all, it’s actually that Castiel Novak guy. You know... Sam was friends with him a while back. He just disappeared from Stanford.”

Jo replayed the news report to show her mother.

“Well I’ll be dammed. We should phone Sheriff Mills, let her know what we do.”

“What a fucking mess. The poor guy.”

Ellen picked up the phone but didn’t call Jody straight away.

“Bobby, you seen the news?”

“What news?”

“About the Novaks...”

“Just hang on will ya, You boy’s quit hollering I can’t hear Ellen!” Bobby shouted, presumably at Sam and Dean in another room.

“Oh my god its him...It’s him! It’s Steve, he’s on TV!” Dean yelled.

“Steve?” Bobby yelled in disbelief.

“Bobby, Steve isn’t Steve.” Ellen began explaining over the phone as the Winchesters kept arguing in the background.

“What are you talking about?” Dean yelled at Sam.

“Dean that’s not Steve that’s Cas!”

“I know Steve when I see him. You don’t forget eyes like that” Dean yelled back.

“Dean you met him like once before he knocked you out cold and disappeared.”

“Twice!” Dean protested. “I met him before I ran him over with my car.”

“Dean, even the news report said it was Castiel Novak!”

“I’m not saying it’s not ‘Castiel Novak’.” He said in a mocking tone. “What I’m saying is that I knew him as Steve!”

“Boys, will you can it. Cas and Steve, they’re the same person and he’s missing.” Bobby yelled, phone still in his hand.

“Well no shit, he’s been missing since he hit me at the hospital.”

“No, I mean like really missing. Turned the kids into social service 5 months ago and disappeared.”

“We have to go find him!” Dean stood up and marched to the door. He still hadn’t forgiven himself for not saving Steve, Cas, whatever his name was, the first time, he sure as hell wasn’t going to let it happen again.

“Easy Lancelot, Ellen’s contacting the police, his brothers have appealed for information so that’s what we’re going to give it them. We’re meeting them at the roadhouse tomorrow morning.”

“Good I need to call Charlie and Kevin. They aren’t going to believe this.” Sam disappeared to find his phone.


	2. Chapter 2

“Bobby, Ellen. How you guys doing?”

Sherriff Jody Mills stepped into the roadhouse to be met by a room of people. Following closely behind him were the two men Jo had seen on the TV, the brothers.

“You people have information on our brother?” The shorter, longer haired man said calmly.

“That we do, come and sit down. I’m Ellen, this is my Daughter Jo, this is Bobby, Sam and Dean Winchester, Kevin and Charlie.”

“Well I’m Gabriel, this is Balthazar.” Gabriel said quietly, he looked taken aback by the number of faces in the room and clearly hadn’t even tried to commit all those names to memory.

“Just call me Zar.” The man spoke in a British accent, which confused them all a little, but no one commented.

“Well, it seems like your brother has been going under two names.” Bobby said. “We’ve been talking between us, and we’ve pieced together what we all know, so hopefully it will be of some help in finding him.”

“Sam you wanna start?” Ellen encouraged.

“Yeah sure. I’m at Stanford, that’s where I met Cas. Me, Charlie and Kevin where friends, though Cas didn’t hang out with us much. I guessed he had problems at home...but well, I never guessed it was this bad.”

“The rest of us met him as Steve at one point or another. He was working in this bar, always till close up, so that was 3 am. He was always scruffy too, customer complained about it one day, I gave him a talking to and he quit.” Ellen continued. “Said it was for the best, couldn’t convince him otherwise.”

Gabriel nodded slowly. “From what the twins have said, Cassie was always working, he walked them to school early morning and dropped them with one of Dad’s old friends at the weekend. I don’t know what Dad was doing, but they said he was never there. I’m guessing Cassie was scrabbling for money to support them.” Gabriel said sadly.

“I should have guessed he didn’t have money.” Ellen grumbled. “It was my fault. I was hard on him, I was trying to get him to come out of his shell a bit, but I just drove him off when he was in trouble.”

“From what we found out, Ellen is it?” She nodded at Balthazar. “Our Cassie was quite good at hiding this stuff. Donna, who he took the twins to at the weekend, said she didn’t have a clue what was going on.”

“Donna Hanscum?” Bobby asked.

“Yes.”

“Jody knows her husband, they work together. We’re going to bring her in on the hunt for your brother.”

“Thank you.” Gabriel said sincerely.

“My point is please don’t blame yourselves. It’s our fault.” Balthazar said sadly.

“How is this your fault? you didn’t know any of this was happening. You’d left home I gather? Had your own lives, yes?” Bobby said in disbelief. He was sick of seeing people blaming themselves. Ellen was blaming herself. Dean was blaming himself. Sam was blaming himself. Jody was blaming herself. This had to stop.

“Cassie called me once. I was in a club drunk hitting it off with some girls and he practically begged me for help, but I fobbed him off. Told him I was busy. Actually, I told him I didn’t care.” Balthazar said, regret bleeding into his face.

“Zar told me about it and I went home. That’s when I found out that my parents had divorced, I mean, we had no idea and we asked my where they were all living but she neither knew or cared. I was worried of course, but I couldn’t find them. Cas was safe with Dad, we just thought he’d been fine and left it at that.”

“We should have looked harder.” Zar frowned.

“Let’s just quit it with the guilt and self-pity can we? We need to find your brother and all this blame crap aint helping no one.” Bobby yelled, And Balthazar frowned at him.

“I like you old man.” Zar nodded in approval.

“It’s Bobby. And less of the old.”

“Okay Boys let’s get back to business, shall we?” Ellen raised an eyebrow. “Sam, I think you’re next.”

“There were a few weeks where he was with us all the time, he was like a different person and he came out to us, told us he was gay. He didn’t want it shouting from the roof tops but he seemed happier in himself, like he was starting to get his life together.”

Gabriel nodded, piecing things together. “We think Dad was around for a while. The twins remember him being there, taking them to school for a few weeks.” Gabriel filled in. “Probably had a stable job for a change.” He huffed.

“’Steve’ said his dad was a lumberjack.” Ellen said.

“Dad was a writer, and not a brilliant one. In fact, when we were looking for them we couldn’t find anything he’d written anything since the divorce.”

Sam waited for the gap to continue. “Then I dropped him at his house one night and he just disappeared for weeks.”

“When was this?”

“Mid may-ish, three years ago.”

“Probably when Dad died.” Gabriel said to Zar and Sam’s face fell.

“I saw him again at College and he was beat up bad, said he was dropping out, wouldn’t talk to me and I never saw him again.” Sam continued.

Charlie took the opportunity to chip in. “We were worried, but we just couldn’t find him. We reckoned he got beat up because, well that last time we all saw him he told us he was gay and there’s tons of homophobic asshats round here.”

“Yeah.” Kevin grunted.

“But you’re not sure who did it?” Gabriel clarified.

“No.” Sam admitted. “We could only guess, but after what happened with Steve...”

“Jody, I think you’re up.” Bobby nodded to her.

“Yep.” She straightened up and face the two honey-blonds. “I was a nurse a few years back, actually what happened with ‘Steve’ inspired my change in career. A kid came into the ED, he’d been stabbed, beaten half to death and raped.”

“Raped?” Balthazar asked, something behind his eyes breaking. Gabriel clutched his brother and turned his own face away, his stomach threatened to empty itself, but somehow, he managed to retain his composure.

Jody nodded sympathetically before continuing. “Not for the first time either I don’t think. Wouldn’t give his name and ran off with his twin siblings the moment he was left alone with them.”

Zar blinked back tears as Gabriel ran his hand roughly through his hair.

“The twins. Anael and Samandriel?” Gabriel asked.

“Yes, I recognized them the moment I saw the news a few days ago and got put on the case. I messed up last time, I am going to get your brother back now I promise you boys.”

“They remember that night, they woke up hearing a fight. They don’t know who it was, but it was the same night Dad ‘disappeared’. They found him covered in blood called an ambulance.” Balthazar recalled his conversation with the twins, his voice breaking at the end.

“Do you boys need a minute.” Bobby asked in concern, noticing the emotional turmoil the pair were under.

“No thank you Bobby, let’s just get through this quickly so we can start the search.” Gabriel smiled weakly, while rubbing soothing circles on Zar’s back.

“I was the next one to see him, Steve that was, In the grocery store.” Dean restarted. “I’d had a crush on him since I’d seen him working in here on the night he quit. He was with the twins, they all seemed fine, but I was too chicken to ask for his number.” Dean carried on.

“It was later that day Dean was driving us back from a bar when some guys pushed him in front of the impala.”

“He cracked his head but was ok. I beat the shit out of the guys but was interrupted by a cop... they were arrested, apparently there was already a warrant out for them. Then we took him to Bobby’s to clean him up since he e refused a hospital.” Dean added.

“Then he got a text that scared the crap out of him. He took off, asked us to look after the twins for a few hours. They are great kids by the way, real angels.” Bobby said to the brothers.

They smiled sadly. “We know.”

“That’s when I turned up, saw him as he was leaving.” Jody joined in. “It took me a minute, but I recognized him. I was shook seeing him, hesitated too much, told Bobby and Dean, but by that time he was gone.”

“Hearing what Jody told us, I was hella worried, so I tracked his phone. Dean took Jody and went over there and found him...”

“...just covered in a sheet. Someone bolted out the back before I could get them.” Dean said brokenly. “We got him to hospital, but...”

“We were watching him the whole time, I wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice, but as soon as he had the twins he jumped Dean, knocked him out cold and they all just disappeared.”

“I got a text saying he was sorry, but he had to go to keep the twins safe and I searched for months, but he ditched his phone. They were just gone. That’s the last any of us saw them.” Dean added sadly.

“Who was doing this!” Balthazar snapped.

“It had to be Lucifer, Zar. You know what he was arrested for and he had custody of the twins.”

“I can’t believe it was Lucifer. I just can’t, when we were little he was great...”

“Zar, he was always a creep, you were just too young to remember.”

Balthazar bit his lip and shut up.

“Lucifer?” Bobby asked.

“Cas’ uncle.” Jo confirmed, remembering the news report and the research it had inspired her to do. “It was part of the news report...He was arrested for a gang rape on a bunch of underage kids...among other things. He was like some sort of criminal overlord by the sound of it, took a big undercover operation to get him.”

Everyone fell silent.

“They were all living with him?” Bobby said in disbelief.

“He had custody. But the twins don’t really remember him. He obviously wasn’t around much.” Gabriel explained.

“Cassie was protecting them.”

There was a very sombre mood in the bar for a minute.

“How are you going to find him?” Bobby turned to Jody.

“Official line...We are following some leads around his last known location. But unfortunately, there is very little to go on.”

“I think we should be searching the streets.” Zar said. “The twins said Cassie was ill, he couldn’t go to work. The last few weeks they hadn’t a lot of food. The landlord was going to throw them out, so he gave them to child services. He said he was sorry and he loved them, but he couldn’t look after them anymore, he didn’t want them to go hungry.”

“So, he’s likely homeless.” Sam stated more than asked.

“Haven’t you got men out searching?” Bobby asked Jody in annoyance.

“We need to find him now.” Zar said firmly. “The twins said that he turned them in because he was too sick to look after them anymore That was 5 months ago.”

“We don’t have the resources to mount a full-scale search. At the end of the day your brother is an adult. It his choice to stay hidden, he’s not really a missing person. All our officers have his photo and we are keeping an eye out.”

Dean clenched his fists and Sam grabbed his shoulder firmly to calm him.

“That’s not good enough!” He yelled.

“Cool it boy, I said it was the official line didn’t I.”

“What’s your line Jody?” Sam asked, taking the hint.

“We’re getting out there and finding the kid if we have to check every homeless person in the county.”

“Thank you.”

“Now boys.” Jody said sternly, mainly to Gabriel and Balthazar, but secondarily to Sam and Dean. “I know you are not gonna want to hear this, but if your brother was sick then and living on the streets...If he’s alive, we will find him...”

“He’s alive!” Gabriel said firmly, making everyone jump a little. “My baby brother is alive. I know he is.”

“Then we will find him.” Jody assured.

Bobby stood up grabbing his coat. “Right, we’re going in teams. Sam and Ellen, you take Kevin and Charlie, search the North streets. Dean you go with the brother’s, take the east side. I’ll take Jo on the west side. Jody you going to bring Donna and her husband?”

“Sure am, we’ll take the south.”

“Why don’t we split up more? Sam and me can go out on our own, cover more ground.” Dean protested.

“Not all the homeless are friendly Dean. Some of them are drunks or addicts and that makes them dangerous.”

“I can look after myself Bobby!”

“I know that, but there are other people in this room who need taking care of, you get me?”

Dean huffed, Bobby had grouped them to keep the more vulnerable ones safe.

“Fine.” He huffed.

“You boys have posters or summut? So, we can hand them out.” Ellen asked Gabriel and Balthazar.

“Yes, a tonne of them in my car.” Gabriel nodded.

“Well let’s grab em and roll out.” Bobby ordered, and the clan departed.

………………………………………..

Dean was feeling numb. They’d only been at this a few hours but asking the same questions over and over again, with Gabriel handing out $10 bills to worthless junkies like they were candy, just to get nothing out of them. And speaking of candy, that Dude constantly had a lollipop or some other sickeningly sweet thing in his mouth and it was starting to make Dean feel nauseous.

Dean marched on ahead while the brothers talked mainly to each other. There was the occasional laugh when one of them said something he would have probably found funny on any other day, but today, seriously, when they were looking for their brother, who could be dead for all they knew. How could they be laughing and acting like this was just some casual day out.

He didn’t get it. Dean would have never left Sammy alone like that, even if he moved out tomorrow, started his own life he wouldn’t have gone years without talking to his little brother. He’d have been on the phone to him every day, visiting as much as possible. Did they even really care about Cas at all or was this al just an act. Everything that had happened to Cas, Steve whatever his name was could have been stopped if they’d just picked up the damn phone and looked after their little brother, you know, like brothers should.

“Were you close to your brother?” Dean asked, trying best to disguise the annoyance in his tone.

“Before we left, yes.” Gabe answered glumly.

“I’m close with my baby brother, Sam.”

“He’s a nice kid.” Gabriel smiled. “Wants to be lawyer I gather.”

“Yes, he is and he does, he’ll graduate soon.” Dean said bluntly. “Was Cas a good kid?”

Gabriel frowned. “Well, Yes.”

“Too good.” Zar chuckled. “Seriously needed to loosen up. He was all work and definitely no play.”

“So, he was a good brother.”

“Of course.” Gabriel said, frown deepening.

“Now you see that’s what I don’t get. Were you really close? Because if you were even half as close as I am with my brother, then how could you just up and leave him. What was so important that you couldn’t keep in touch? Visit him? Why abandon him completely?”

Zar’s eyes flared up in anger, but Gabriel whizzed his arm across his brother’s chest to act as a blockade, keeping him from attacking Dean for his thoughtless words.

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that so confrontationally because you don’t understand our situation.”

“Ok, then, explain it.”

“We don’t have to explain anything to you.”

“We didn’t so much leave, as were forced to Dean. We may be rich and you may think you know our family, but you don’t know the half of what went on and frankly that’s not really your business.”

It was Dean’s turn to frown as he forced himself to loosen his grip on the posters in his hand and compose himself. He knew he was being a jerk, but he was so sick of all the secrets and lies. That was what caused all this in the first place.

“Now I’m going to just forget you said that for now, so we can get back to finding my brother.” Gabriel growled. “Is that ok with you Winchester.”

“Fine.” Dean huffed, turning around and continuing to march down the street.

……………………………

“I never knew there were so many desperate people in our city.” Charlie said sadly. This experience was really getting to her. She hated to see people suffering. Every person she talked to and asked for information she was so desperate to help. She stayed and talked with some of them for a while, she knew she was being inefficient, but their faces just lit up when someone took an interest.

Now she was walking among them she realized how horribly the rest of the city’s folk treated these human beings. It was like they were trash, discarded and avoided at all costs. It was disgusting.

“Neither did I.” Sam said sadly. “But what you are doing Charlie, its really making a difference to them, just being noticed. You’ve brightened up their day. You brighten up everyone’s day.”

The red head smiled for the first time in a few hours.

“Thank you, Sam.”

“The world is a cruel place.” Ellen said solemnly. “But it doesn’t take much, just that little bit of good can give you the strength to keep going and you are a whole lot of that good you 3.”

“There are over 12,000 people homeless in San Jose at some point in the year, with around 4,800 sleeping on the street on any given night.”

“Thanks Kevin, really helping me feel better.”

“I’m sorry I’m just trying to be realistic. Finding one person in 5000 is like finding a needle in the world’s largest haystack. I approximate we are talking to 150 people every day between all of us searching, that means that it will take us over a month to talk to every homeless person in the city. And we are assuming that Cas is still even in the city...”

“I’m going to stop you here Kevin. I know the odds aren’t good, believe me, but we are going to find him I just know it, ok. I can feel it.” Sam said.

“Is this one of Sam’s special feelings?” Charlie asked hopefully.

“I prefer it if you called it a vibe Charlie, you don’t half make it sound creepy.” He chuckleled.

“Well, is it?” Kevin asked. Sam often had a gut feeling about things and they had given quite a reputation at College, simply because they were very rarely wrong. In fact, they were never wrong, whether it be about a new teacher, an event or the weather. Everything teased that he was physic, but that was just ridiculous.

“Yes, it is. My gut is telling me that we are going to find Cas.”

“My gut is telling me its empty and it wants food.” Charlie huffed.

As if on cue Sam’s stomach rumbled.

“Well it sounds as if Sam’s gut is telling him it’s hungry too.” Kevin smiled.

“Yes, I am. God it’s 3pm already. Let’s call the others, have a break, meet up at the diner.”

“I like that idea.” Charlie said enthusiastically.

……………..........

“Progress report?” Bobby asked shortly after their food arrived. They were all itching to get back to the search, but Charlie was struggling, Zar was glaring at Dean with a fury that may make him spontaneously combust and Dean looked somewhere between depressed and furious. Moral was low and this was only day one. They needed to fix that.

“Ziltch.” Dean grumbled.

“Homeless shelters so far have been a bust.” Sam shrugged.

“This is like looking for a needle in a haystack.” Dean said gruffly.

“That’s what I said.” Kevin said glumly.

“Will you stop it with the negativity.” Bobby growled.

“Needle in a haystack you say.” Ellen mused. “Come on then Kevin you are an Engineer, how would you find a needle in a haystack.”

Kevin thought for a moment. “X-ray maybe, but that might not be powerful enough...I’d bring a magnet.” He shrugged.

“Ok, then so what’s our magnet? Maybe some clever thinking will help us in this.”

“I don’t know.” Kevin said glumly.

“You don’t have to have the answers now, we’ll just mull it over. We’ve beaten worse than this before guys, we always find a way.” Sam said, ever the optimist.

“I will find my brother.” Gabriel said with a certainty that no one dare question. No one but Dean.

“How do you expect to do that, when the pair of you found it so hard to pick up the damn phone.”

“Dean!” Jo gasped. “What the hell.”

“I don’t know Jo, it’s just that I have a little brother too and I would protect Sammy with my life.

“You want to know so badly Winchester I’ll tell you. I’ll tell all of you.”

“Zar?” Gabriel asked hesitantly.

“I won’t have this ape questioning our love for our brother Gabriel.”

“Nobody’s questioning anything, are they Dean?” Bobby glared at the young man suggestively.

“Go on then. Let’s hear your sob story.” Dean said with a clenched jaw.

“Why are you being such a jerk Dean?” Sam thumped him on the arm, but Dean didn’t reply.

“You all think you know about our family from the news and yeah I suppose you do, a little. Naomi Novak, one of the country’s best prosecutors. We grew up rolling in money, but she’s also the biggest religious nut bag you’ve ever heard of.”

“Zar.” Gabriel warned.

“Fine you tell it then.”

Gabriel sighed but took up his brother’s mantle. “We were brought up in religion, very strictly as you can imagine. By the time I was 14 I had mellowed in it slightly, I’d seen enough of the world to not be so set on faith...I wasn’t brainwashed by any means, but I went along with it. Father was religious too, but even though he didn’t show it I knew he was nowhere near Mother’s levels. It was not worth upsetting mother, she had a temper and a way with words that could crush you.”

“Lawyer.” Zar shrugged.

“Neither of us were perfect son’s, Zar however...”

“Didn’t believe in a single word of that religious bull crap and wasn’t afraid to say so.” Balthazar answered for himself. “Nor was I afraid of a party.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “It was a constant war between Balthazar and Mum. There was one Saturday I realized I hadn’t seen Balthazar since Friday morning when we left for school and I found him after dinner locked in a cupboard.”

“I made the mistake of blaspheming rather strongly in front of Mother in one of our arguments. I was 14 at the time. She decided to lock me away and starve me till I learnt my lesson. I decided after that, it was best not to provoke her.”

“I didn’t leave him alone with her after that and that is why neither me or Zar left home once we turned 18, Cas was still vulnerable, and we needed to protect him. I never trusted her after that. I told Dad of course, he was mad, I could see, and he said he’d make sure it wouldn’t happen again, and it didn’t, but I knew any time Dad went away she wouldn’t hesitate.”

“Thankfully he never did.” Zar mused. “You should have seen the family dinners. They were just Mother’s constant preaching about one thing or another God related. I’d say a good 75% of it by the time Cas was 12 was about homosexuals and how they were evil, and God’s mistake. I couldn’t listen to her disgusting, hateful bigotry anymore. I was 18 by then and knew she couldn’t do a damn thing to me, I was stronger than her and I was no longer afraid, so we fought constantly.”

“You did everything you could to provoke her.” Gabriel grunted.

“I admit I did. I drank, I dabbled in the odd party high and some other very... un-Christian things. But I didn’t want Castiel growing up believing this poison, I wanted to show him that you live however chose to.”

“I was worried about Mother’s influence on Castiel too.” Gabriel added. “So, I talked to him about it one time, he always seemed devout, but he told me that, like me, he was doing it to please Mother.”

“Then it got bad...I couldn’t look at Mother without wanting to tear her head off, I won’t repeat some of the things she said, but they stung all the more seeing as...well...” Balthazar sighed. “I’m not afraid to tell you that I identify as Pan...”

“Pan or not he’ll shag anything that moves.”

“True.” Balthazar mused. “Despite everything she knew me to be I was still afraid to tell her. So, having this homophobic rubbish poured at me every day, being constantly told, however indirectly, that I was a disgusting abomination and the God, who I didn’t believe in, hated me...it did not serve well to my mental health. Then she spoke about the ways that they were trying to cure people like me...”

“That’s sick!” Sam exclaimed.

“Too right its sick.” Ellen agreed.

“I tried to talk to Mother, I knew of course about Zar’s preferences and I could see what it was doing to him. I tried to help...”

“You did more than help brother. You are the reason I am still here.” Zar smiled and held Gabriel’s arm.

“But I could never...yes, she was ridiculous and hateful, but she’s my mother and I love her and the fighting was upsetting Castiel, he didn’t deal well with conflict then...I was trying so hard to keep the family together...”

“Gabriel was so stressed that just after Mum fell pregnant with the twins he had a small heart attack.”

“How old where you?” Bobby asked in disbelief.

“21.”

“Boy, that’s awful.” Ellen exclaimed.

“It was. Mother hardly seemed to care and well, after that I told Gabriel that we were leaving, it was killing us both in different ways, we _had_ to leave. She was on the verge of throwing me out anyway, but she wouldn’t give us any money.” Zar explained.

“We wouldn’t have taken it anyway. We spent a few years living pretty rough before we both started to get it together.” Gabriel continued.

“We didn’t tell Cas why we were really leaving. He didn’t know about Gabriel’s health, generally he didn’t see much of the fighting, we just told him we were going to conquer the world.”

“We didn’t want to leave him, or the twins when they were born, but we couldn’t stay, and we couldn’t take him with us. Besides his apparent faith meant that mum was nice to him and he had Dad looking out for him. We just thought he was better off without us there causing the conflict.” The longer haired man said glumly.

“You did the best you could.” Charlie said supportively. “You shouldn’t have had to live with that.”

They were interrupted as the waitress came to deliver their food, the conversation took a while to pick back up and it was soon time to head back out and restart the search.

…………………………………..

Dean had listened to the brother’s story without saying word. The pair of them had been through hell, more so than they were probably letting on. He could almost feel the pain radiate off Gabriel as he recalled their past; he came across as strong and sure of himself, but he was more sensitive than any of them, even Charlie and he cared about his family a lot. Probably too much.

As they left the diner and split into their separate groups he grabbed the honey blond figure by his arm gently. Causing him to turn around with a look of annoyance eon his face. Balthazar stopped short, angry eyes piercing the older Winchester.

“Look both of you. I was out of line before. What happened, that wasn’t ok, and you did the right thing.”

“We don’t need your approval dean.” Balthazar spat.

“This is an apology ok and I don’t give them often, hence I’m crap at giving them. I guess...what happened to Castiel is my fault, I was just looking for someone else to blame.”

Gabriel frowned. “You really cared about our brother, didn’t you?” He said softly.

“I did.” Dean smiled weakly.

“Well in that case I think we can put a line under this. Zar?” Gabriel asked his brother, who’s angry posture had relaxed a little.

“I suppose so.” The blonde man nodded. “For the record Winchester, it’s not your fault either. Everything that has happened we can’t change, but we can move our asses and get back to finding him.”

“Great. Let’s get on with it then.”

…………………………….

Day one of the search was a bust. The homeless shelters were a dead end. None of them had seen Castiel so they’d taken to searching the streets. They were keeping the search confined to the city initially, but they were more than aware he could have moved away and although Jody had made a promise, she realized what a task they had set themselves. The boy had already proved he didn’t want to be found and they hadn’t managed it before, so what made them think they could this time.

“Sherriff Mills.”

Jody looked up from her desk in surprise. It was rare for anyone to be seeking her out so late at night.

“Chief Lafitte, what can I do for you?”

“I want in on your missing persons case. The young man Castiel Novak.”

“Well, yeah of course Sir, but can I ask why?”

“You remember that undercover case I did three years back that got me this promotion.”

“How could I not?”

Benny had become a hero in the department 3 years ago when he’d successful taken down a rape gang that had been kidnapping and assaulting underage girls and boys after getting close to its leader.

Jody had been a nurse back then still. She had seen the aftermath of this gang and the case finally made her quit her job and join the police force. She was sick of cleaning up the poor people who’d fallen victim to these monsters, she wanted to stop them before they had the chance or at least send them to hell personally.

The story had been on the news and when she’d joined the force Benny was like a celebrity.

“Well that boy Novak. I met him while I was undercover. He was the last one who had to go through that before I took them down.”

“The one you couldn’t save.” She smiled softly in understanding. It seemed that boy was haunting everyone on the hunt team right now. She didn’t save him, Ellen didn’t save him, Bobby didn’t, Sam didn’t, Dean didn’t. It was no one’s fault, but that boy had been let down by them all in some way. She just prayed he was still alive.

…………………………………….

“Who’s that?” Bobby asked as a tallish bloke with short ginger hair approached them from behind. It was Day 2 of the search and their spirits had all recovered a little from the disappointment of yesterday, but with every passing the second the tension was rising with the growing worry for this lost boy.

Dean turned around sluggishly, but then suddenly froze.

“Benny?” Dean turned ashen. He hadn’t seen Benny since the guy had broken up with him, offering no real explanation. Working at purgatory had not been his best idea, that bar was shady at best and most of the people who worked there were real sleaze bags. But not Benny. Though he had pretended to be one of the crowd, Dean had seen the moment they’d first laid eyes on each other that Benny Reese was a good guy in bad place. They had clicked immediately and for a while they couldn’t have been happier, or that’s what Dean had thought until one morning he’d been left with a note. ‘It’s over.’ And no explanation.

“What the Fuck are you doing here?” Dean growled.

“Dean.” Benny went an equally pale shade.

“You’re Benny.” Sam growled, positioning himself between his elder brother and the man. “You heard my brother, what are you doing here?”

“I...”

“Everything ok here boys?” Jody asked with a frown, sensing the clear tension in the room. “Chief Laffite, I see you’ve met the Winchester’s.”

“Chief Lafitte?” Dean scoffed in disbelief. “You lying sack of...”

“Am I missing something?” Jody asked in disbelief.

“Dean, let me explain?” Benny implored the angry green-eyed man in front of him, but his towering moose of a brother was making it difficult to communicate.

“I take it you’ve met before then.” Jody’s frown deepened.

“Yes, he’s the asshat that broke up with my brother by leaving him a note.” Sam yelled, marching a few steps closer to the man and towering over him. “You damn near broke his heart and you think you can just turn up here?”

“Sam, Dean, let’s just take a step back ok. Whatever this is, a) it was years ago and b) can be sorted out with words not fists.” Bobby tugged Sam backward a little and the tall young man reluctantly gave. “Got an explanation for my boys Chief?”

“When I met you Dean, when I started working at Purgatory, it was part of an undercover assignment. I went under the name Benny Reese. My real name is Benjamin, Benny, Lafitte. I was a detective back then, assigned to gather evidence on a man named Lucifer...”

“...Lucifer? Cas’ uncle?” Sam interjected. “That’s why you’re here?”

“Yes. I gained Lucifer’s trust, infiltrated his criminal enterprise and gathered enough evidence to bring him and several others to justice, hence the promotion. I met Castiel at one of Lucifer’s...sessions. I didn’t know who he was, I only found out later, but by that time he was already missing, and I was ordered to abandon the case several months later.”

Benny sighed and took a breath.

“I understand if you would like me to leave Dean, I just wanted to aid in the search, it is after all partly my fault that this situation exists. I helped him as much as I could without blowing my cover, but it wasn’t enough. He deserved better and so did you Dean. I am truly sorry. The point I broke up with you I was just gaining Lucifer’s trust. To have continued our relationship would have put the operation in jeopardy, but more importantly you would have been in danger. I could not tell you the truth, and I could not bear to lie to you anymore. I am so very sorry Dean. I don’t expect you to forgive me, just know that this wasn’t how I wanted it to end at all.”

Dean just stood and listened with his arms folded for a while. Of course, all of this didn’t mean a damn thing to him now. It didn’t change the months he’d spent hurting, wondering what he had done wrong and why everyone always left him. Clarity after the fact was very little consolation, but he’d gotten over this a long time ago. He’d moved on. Any spite he had for the man wouldn’t help them find Castiel or Steve, or whoever.

“You put the bastard who did this to Castiel behind bars.” Dean said simply. “I’d say that was worth it.”

“Is that...do you...” Benny said uncertainly.

“Benny, I got over you a long time ago. I aint gonna say I’m happy having you here, cos I aint, but every set of hands we have is going to help Castiel, so as long as you aren’t on my team by all means stay and help.”

“Thank you, Dean.” Benny nodded solemnly.

“Ok enough chit chat.” Bobby said roughly. “It’s going to be a cold one tonight, so let’s get out there and find the kid before it freezes.”

…………...

Cas hadn’t thought about home for a long time. The home he’d had before all of this had begun, before he’d made the biggest mistake of his life and told his mother he was gay. How he wished he could go back and change that, but he knew he didn’t deserve it.

The things he had done, he was disgusting. He’d ruin all their lives eventually.

Every night since he’d run from the police station he’d been haunted with that evening’s events in his dreams. The look on the twins faces, Anna’s harsh but deserved words toward him. He couldn’t blame her for hating him, he’d failed them in every possible way.

Sometimes he wished he hadn’t run. Maybe he’d have been in some trouble, running off with them had probably been technically kidnaping, yet even prison had food and shelter...but it was more likely they would have tried to help him and that’s why he couldn’t risk it. Maybe it would have been Sam, Dean and Bobby or Donna, or a complete stranger that offered their help, but he had to pay for the things he’d done. He didn’t deserve their help, maybe they thought they cared about him, but they’d only hate him if they knew the things he had done to keep his siblings safe. His disgrace would surely find a way to ruin their lives as well and he couldn’t risk that. They didn’t deserve to be burdened with him. No one did.

They all thought he was some sort of victim, they didn’t know that he’d asked Lucifer, his own uncle, to do those things to him. He was nothing more than a filthy, disgusting whore, an abomination in God’s eyes. A cheap, weak, evil failure.

And despite all the thoughts that told him he should suffer for everything he’d done, even if there was a part of him that felt he deserved better he was too tired to fight for it anymore. He’d been fighting for so long just to survive and it had brought him nothing but misery, pain and impossible decisions that only led to increase his shame. He was sick of it.

For as long as he could remember he had just wanted it to stop. He traced the faint scars on his arms from where he’d used to cut. They were barely there now. He had wanted to just give up and fade away since the day his parents split up, but he’d hung on for the twins. They’d become his whole life, his one purpose, but now they were gone Cas had no purpose, no reason to fight the dark thoughts that swirled in his mind everyday as he trudged through the streets in search of food.

He’d learned very quickly that the homeless really were invisible. People pretended not to notice you, avoided you at all costs. There would be the occasional nice person, but Cas had found that begging especially in his state, his body thrusting hacking coughs upon him every few minutes, was never going to get him enough to eat each day.

He’d been propositioned a few times, by men willing to pay to use him, like Lucifer had. It made him feel sick. He knew he’d done it before, but he was supposed to be punishing himself for that. At least he’d had a small justification before in that it was to feed his little brother and sister, he would never justify it just to feed himself. He didn’t matter.

Dumpsters were a goldmine and so were the other people of the street. Why was it that the kindest people were the ones that had the least?

The first month had been hard, until he met Joshua, a kind old man that helped learn the best places to get food. It had taken him another month to convince Castiel to go to the food bank. Cas still hated the fact that he’d become so desperate for food that his resolve had failed him and he’d accepted the help he wasn’t entitled to. But he found when he was well fed he was stronger. His cough subsided over the next month, he felt like tired, the oxygen came without a fight and he started to have a little more hope.

Joshua still couldn’t convince him to stay the night, however. Cas knew where he belonged, on the street, in the filth, among the garbage and other things people threw away.

It didn’t last long though and it didn’t take long to sink lower than he’d even been before. The cold weather came in, a few days without food and 3 nights of being beaten on by drunk teenagers and Cas’ health had spiraled. He had never felt this ill before.

The coughing soon meant he was turned away from the shelters and with it his source of food had dried up. Last week he’d been able to slowly work his way through the nearby dumpsters for an hour or so every day. He was lucky about half the time. The hungrier he got the sicker he got.

Coughing blood was now the norm and the way his chest ached, like it was burning from the inside had become intolerable. Even if Cas had, had the resolve to move the pain and fatigue that left him weak as a kitten prevented him from doing so. The last 3 days he hadn’t so much as shifted. He’d stayed in an alley under his blankets and carboard and prayed that this would be the end. The fever that came was unbearable, the cold of winter already bit at him, yet his body felt like it was half the time on fire and the rest frozen in ice. Any small movement, any muscle that he used caused him to lose all his air, just sitting up resulting in several minutes of panting, his burning lungs refusing to function as he knew they once had.

Tonight, he knew, was the night.

He couldn’t explain how it felt, knowing that he was going to die other than it was a relief. Finally, it would be over. He would shut his eyes tonight and that would be the last thing he would know. He couldn’t explain how he knew either, it was just a feeling, the knowledge that something had changed, and his life force was slowly leaving him. He only wished it would leave faster.

Tonight, was very, very cold, yet he felt like he was on fire. He snuggled into his bundle of dirty blankets as best he could and sighed.

He was alone and defeated and looking forward to it ending. It was no less than he deserved.

………………………………

“I can’t believe it!” Dean through his coat down on the hallway carpet hard as he stepped back through the door. “Not a single Goddamn lead and it’s freezing out there.” Dean stomped off into the kitchen where he turned on the hot tap and placed his numb hands under the still cold stream of water. “He might not even be in the city still, it’s been 6 months since anyone’s seen him. He could be anywhere!”

“Dean will you stop ranting I can’t hear Jody.” Bobby grumbled, holding the phone tightly to his ear.

“Dean, we’re doing everything we can.” Sam soothed his brother, joining with Dean in placing his hands under the slowly warming stream which burnt his cold hands a little at first touch. “If he’s out there we’ll find him. Have faith.”

“Faith Sammy? Seriously?”

“Dean, I know you’re frustrated but don’t take it out on us. Ok? Especially not Bobby he doesn’t deserve that.”

Dean sighed. “Yeah I’m sorry you’re right.”

“Hey Dean.” Bobby called from the other room, soon appearing at the kitchen entrance. “Gabriel and Charlie went with Jody today and talked to a few more of the homeless shelters on the east side, some of them remember your boy, so we can narrow down the search tomorrow.”

“Really!” Sam exclaimed. “When was this?”

“Apparently they had to turn him away 2 weeks ago. He was sick and some of the other occupants started to get sick because of him.”

“Only 2 weeks ago. This is great.”

“What was he sick with?” Sam frowned. What could be bad enough for the shelters to turn him away.

“TB apparently, or that’s what the others had when they were treated. So, we need to find him as soon as possible.”

“TB?” Dean asked. Of course, he’d heard about it, but he didn’t really know what it was.

“A bacterial infection, usually in the lungs, can severely damage lung tissue, but nowadays it’s not really so bad really...easily treatable and well, a normal immune system is strong enough to fight it and produce no symptoms. Lots of people have latent TB, it’s there in the lungs but their immune system is strong, so they’ll never know they have it.” Sam mused. Thank God for Dean’s personal walking dictionary of a brother.

“Yeah but spreads like wildfire and not all the homeless have much of an immune system to fight it. They can’t have it getting out.” Bobby explained.

“So which shelters where these?” Sam asked

“Salvation army and Life moves. Apparently, he was just in looking in for food when he was desperate. Never stayed long, rarely stayed the night. He had a friend, a guy called Joshua.”

“Did they talk to him? Ask him about Cas.” Sam asked.

“No, he wasn’t in. Jody’s going back there tomorrow to see if he came in for the night, the rest of us are going to haul the nearby area.”

“First thing in the morning then?” Dean asked, but it was more of a demand. “I’m off for a shower then bed.”

“Not if I beat you there.” Sam took flight, heading rapidly for the stairs.

“Come back here you little bitch!” Dean roared and proceeded to chase him down.

“Jerk!” Sam yelped as his ankle was pulled out from underneath him and he went crashing onto the steps.

Bobby was too tired to deal with this. It had been a long, hard and cold day. He crawled over the wrestling boys and went straight into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and bagging himself first shower. “Idjits.”

………………………………………………..

It was the early hours of the morning and it was freezing cold. It had been a while since Crowley had been homeless, but he always seemed to end up back on the streets after a good streak of being king of the gang known as hell raisers. This time he’d stupidly left his coat behind in his apartment, that had now been taken over by some bigger, stronger meaner guy who’d shaken him from his throne. Loyalty was not something prized by his people and it was not the first time that Crowley had lost it all. He’d fought his way back from worse and the other thugs may be stronger than him, but he was smarter, and he always found his way back to being king. Always.

But for now, it was winter, he had no blankets or any other way of keeping warm. He’d spent all night jogging round the streets to keep the blood flowing. If he’d let himself fall asleep like this he’d probably have frozen to death. There was no way the shelters would take him, everyone knew who he was, and they avoided him like the plague. But now he was tired, he really needed to find somewhere warm, but it was way too early for anywhere that was owned by his few l trusted loyalists to be open.

As he jogged around another corner he stopped next to a bundle of blankets and carboard. What sort of idiot was sleeping outside in this...other than himself of course. It was damn near suicide.

“Hey!” He gently kicked the bundle and felt a little pang of pity for the figure on the ground when there wasn’t so much as a whisper to show it harbored any sign of life.

Approaching a little cautiously he peeled back the blanket and coat at what he guessed was the person’s head and sighed when he saw the pale and gaunt face of an emaciated kid, who couldn’t have been long out of his teens. The guy was probably new to this, likely his first winter. And he’d made a rookie error sleeping out on a night like this.

“Hey, wake up!” He shook the figure more harshly, but still gathered no response. He brushed his hand against the boy’s face and it was ice cold, with only the faintest trace of warm breath ghosting from his mouth.

Finally, the body moved, but only to involuntarily spasm in a hacking cough that made him take a step back. He knew what a wet, rattling cough like that meant and it was nothing good. He crouched back in and placed two fingers onto the guy’s neck. The pulse was unbelievably weak.

He sighed. “Sorry kid. But you aint going to last till dawn.”

He took the blanket and coat that was draped around the doomed man and wrapped them round his own shoulders. They wouldn’t be any help to the raven-haired man now, but they sure as hell would make sure he survived a little longer, till he could get back what was his and make those rebellious mud monkey’s pay for their little uprising. There would be blood spilled, he’d just have to be patient.

……………………………………………………


	3. Chapter 3

Joshua woke up early, enveloped in a warmth he knew he’d be dead without. Last night had been forecast to be uncharacteristically cold of San Jose, winter or not and he dreaded to think how many of those he knew, who lived on the street, would be found dead this morning. Those who hadn’t the sense or sometimes the will, to find somewhere warm for the night.

And that was what had woken him so early. Dawn had barely broken but the knowing at his gut refused to let him sleep. He hadn’t seen the boy, Michael, in many days and he'd not been getting any better. He had begged the shelter to let him stay, but when they had threatened to turn Joshua away with him he’d been selfish. He was old, and he was frail, and it had been cold for a fortnight. He wouldn’t survive a night on the streets in his condition, but it had taken all of half an hour for him to regret leaving the young man alone.

He sought out the boy every day when it had been warm enough for him to be outside, offering company as much as anything. But the last week had been so very cold that Joshua had not been able to venture out. Michael had been just withering away in front of him everyday, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He remembered how long it had taken for him to convince the boy simply to accept food, what had happened in that sweet, timid boy’s life that had made him feel the need to punish himself so greatly he didn’t know and now he was more than a little concerned that Michael wouldn’t have attempted to find shelter on what was a deathly cold night.

Maybe he would get ill to, wandering the streets at this hour, but he had to try and find him. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t.

“Joshua!” The man at reception called after him, coming out of the back room with a cup of coffee. “Wait!”.

Joshua ignored him. He put on his coat and slipped out the door into the breaking dawn.

………………………………..

Dean hadn’t been able to sleep. They had a lead and it was great, but he was also worried that they’d turn up at the shelter and this Joshua would be nowhere to be found. It would be just his luck after all.

He couldn’t stand this anymore. It was 5am when he dragged himself out of bed and went into the kitchen. He grabbed a couple of slices of bread and shoved them in the toaster. He waited anxiously for them to pop and didn’t waste any time with condiments. Coat on, toast in hand he marched out the door and climbed into baby.

The streets were empty and silent at this time in the morning. It didn’t just feel cold it looked cold, a freezing fog coming in waves of thick and thin patches.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah, I’m look for Joshua, he in?” Dean asked.

“I’m not really inclined to give out that information sir, especially not to a stranger.”

Dean sighed and tried to compose himself. He wanted to yell at this annoying...but maybe the Sammy approach would work better than the blunt instrument that was Dean.

“My friends were in here yesterday, about the missing guy... They said that he’d been in this shelter and that Joshua knew him.”

“Oh, you’re friends of Sheriff Mills.”

“Yes, I’m Dean. Dean Winchester.”

“Yes, yes, she mentioned that some others might be coming...but she isn’t due for another hour.”

“I fancied an early start. You know, time being of the essence.” Dean hinted strongly.

“Right, well, you just missed Joshua, he left first thing.”

Dean nearly punched the wall in frustration. “Did he say where?”

“No, but he turned left, this was only...10 or so minutes ago so if your quick you might catch him.”

“Thank you.” Dean turned tail and jogged out the door, turning left when he was stopped by a familiar voice.

“Dean?”

“Gabriel, Balthazar?” Dean stopped acknowledging the two men. “If you’re here for Joshua, come with me, he left 10 minutes ago.” Dean said quickly, continuing in the direction he’d been headed. They didn’t have time to waste.

He grimaced at how cold it was as the Brothers jogged up alongside him, he wished he’d brought a hat, or some gloves at the very least, but he supposed he’d get used to it.

They jogged down the street when it came to an intersection. They peered down the fog hazed, but there was no sign of the man they were looking for and then Dean suddenly realized he had no idea what this man looked like in the first place.

“Split up?” Balthazar suggested.

“Wait, is that...” Gabriel pointed into the fog and indeed there was a faint shadow which looked vaguely person shaped.

Dean ran down the street before the figure could get away. As he got closer the man spun nervously on his heels at the sound of three pairs of feet chasing him down.

“Are you Joshua?” Dean asked.

“Do I know you?” The man asked frowning keeping his distance.

“No, you don’t know us.” Gabriel confirmed. “You are Joshua though?”

“We think you might know our brother.” Balthazar explained. He reached into his pocket and pulled out one of the flyers they all had been carrying around with a picture of the 14-year-old Castiel on. He reached out to hand it to the man, who took it curiously.

“Yes, I think I do know him. But this photo, it is old, yes?”

“Yes, this was when he was 14. He’ll be 22 now.” Gabriel said excitedly.

“But this poster is for someone called Castiel. The boy this looks like is called Michael.”

“He uses pseudonyms...a lot.” Dean explained.

“There’s a Michael in our family. Mother’s brother. We’ve never met, but it makes sense Cas would use the name.” Balthazar said.

“You are looking for him?” Joshua asked in confusion.

“Yes, we asked at the shelter you were staying at, they said you knew him. I don’t suppose you know where he is?”

“I haven’t seen him in a few days I came out to look for him. Your brother was ill.”

“Yes, we know.” Gabriel’s shoulders sank.

"You said he is your brother. He made it sound like he had no family."

"It's a very long story." Gabriel sighed.

"The short version..." Dean started. "Is that nobody knew where he was or that he was in this situation." He explained briefly.

“There are a few places he normally sleeps. I have a few left to check.” Joshua nodded.

“Will you show us?” Dean asked.

“Of course. Come.”

………………………………………………………………

“This is the last place I can think of.” Joshua said sadly as they arrived at the end of a street. There were a few trees which stopped abruptly at a highway barrier and wire fence separated them from a slip road and underpass beyond. Joshua showed them a hole that had been cut just big enough for them to crawl through. It was a little warmer here, sheltered underneath the concrete supports of the road above it. There was litter strewn around and signs of previous camp fires in the grass. Signs of the homeless, the desperate; it felt horrible.

“Ok, spread out and start searching.” Dean nodded and they all set of in different directions.

Gabriel trudged around, Balthazar not far behind, just following off his shoulder. It may be warmer here but it was still so cold. They were so close to finding him, so damn close. But right now, he’d never felt so far away from his brother. He’d known all of this of course, anticipated the state his brother may well be in, but seeing this; the dirt, the filth, the general stench of despair that seemed to linger in the air. His brother was living this. His precious baby brother who he’d sworn to himself that he’d look after, protect and teach. But instead he’d failed him, abandoned him to this…

“I’ve found him! He’s here I’ve found him!” Joshua’s voice rang out through the underpass. And it sounded frightened.

Gabriel was running, feet pounding on the asphalt as headed for the direction of that shout, in the direction of hope.

But his hope was shattered when he saw the look on Joshua’s face, when he saw the body strewn against a concrete pillar buried in nothing more than waste cardboard. It wasn’t moving.

“No, No, No, No, Please...No.!” Gabriel sobbed. He hands went straight for the messy black hair that was longer than he remembered, but it was unmistakably Castiel's, he knew this without needing to see his face. As his fingers brushed along his brother's scalp he noticed that Castiel was cold, so very cold. Gabriel quickly, but gently peeled off the carboard he was sleeping under. He didn’t even have a blanket or a coat. What was he thinking?

He rolled the still body into his arms and held onto him tightly, his chest pressed into his baby brother’s back.

“Please wake up Castiel. Please wake up.” He sobbed, shaking the limp form gently and carding his finger’s though his brother’s hair. He held his brother’s fragile form, which seemed to weight nothing in his arms as it refused to stir. There was not a single sign of life.

They'd been too late.

After all this time, years of being ignorant to Castiel's predicament, they finally started the search to be just a few hours too late. He barely recognized his own brother’s face. It was sunken, thin and hollowed out, the pale skin was the whitest he’d ever seen, and his lips were tinged blue.

Balthazar stood completely still, frozen in place. He met his brother's eyes and reeled at the horror and the pain that filled them.

“Gabriel.” Dean said weakly.

Gabriel hadn't noticed the elder Winchester arrive, so Dean spoke softly so not to shock him. He knelt next to the shaking man. He felt sick. Castiel couldn’t be dead. After all this... he could not be dead. He was trembling nearly as violently as the sweet-toothed brother as he put a hand on Gabriel's shoulder, trying to draw his attention.

“I need to check if he’s breathing.” He said softly.

Gabriel looked at him like the thought had never crossed his mind. “You mean he’s not...” He breathed hopefully.

“Hold your horses and let me find out for sure.”

Dean waited while Gabriel lowered Castiel gently onto the ground and then moved in hastily. Gabriel continued to cradle Castiel’s head, not wanting to let go of his brother and Dean leant down, ear hovering over Castiel’s blue lips, looking down his chest for any sign of movement. He counted for 10 seconds, waiting with baited breath then stopped and then pulled himself to his knees. He pressed his fingers against the carotid just to be sure.

He sighed shakily, emotion flooding over him in an unbearable wave. He pounded his fist hard into the filthy concrete, ignoring the fiery pain that shot up his arm.

He turned back to the terrified brothers.

“Balthazar, Call an ambulance.” Dean commanded, triumphantly.

“Call an ambulance.” Balthazar repeated blankly.

“Call an ambulance!” Dean yelled.

“Yes.” Balthazar shook himself out of it, his eyes lighting up in relief. “Call an ambulance. On it.” He pulled out his cell and dialed.

“He’s...” Gabriel started, tears welling in his eyes.

“He’s alive.” Dean confirmed, voice shaking in relief. “But only just, he’s barely breathing. We need to get him warm now.” Dean stripped off his coat and Gabriel quickly followed.

“Hold him, rub across his chest gently, don't restrict his breathing.” Gabriel shuffled himself underneath his brother, holding him close as he settled back against the concrete pillar behind him. He gently cradled Castiel’s limp form, holding him firmly across the chest, as he and Dean bundled the younger man in their coats.

“How’s that ambulance coming?” Dean asked the frantically pacing Balthazar.

“Yeah about that, where are we?” Balthazar asked, handing his coat to Dean as a third layer that was now bundled around Cas.

“Underneath the freeway, accessible from Locust street.” Joshua replied. Dean heard Balthazar repeating that while he got his own phone out.

“Jodie.” Dean barked out the second the phone was picked up.

“Dean? Bit early for you.” She was her usual chipper self, yet to notice the panic in Dean’s voice.

“Please tell me you’re in town already.” The guy at the homeless shelter had said she was due in that morning, with any luck she wouldn’t be far away.

“Yeah, was going to swing by the shelter before my shift...”

“Well forget that and get to Locust street. We found him.”

“You found him!” She gasped, overjoyed.

“He’s in a bad way, ambulance is coming, but...” He turned away from Gabriel, who was too busy tending to his brother. “I don’t know if he’s going last that long Jody.” Dean tried to keep the wobble out of his voice but failed miserably.

“I’m in the car now, where are you?” Jody’s tone was now deadly serious, but as calm as a windless day. It grounded Dean enough for him to maintain his composure, relaying the information she needed and then put the phone down.

He felt a tap on his shoulder and looked up. It was Joshua and in his shaking outstretched hand was his own tattered coat.

“No Joshua, you hold on to that. Can’t have you getting cold.” Dean smiled weakly. He was freezing without his coat and the old man would end up in the same situation as Castiel without it.

“Please, it’s the least I can do...I shouldn’t have left him alone.” Joshua’s teeth chattered, and he thrust the coat forward again, insistent.

“Don’t play the blame game Joshua. All of us here have and it doesn’t help anybody, nor does you freezing. You helped us find him, that’s all that matters.”

Joshua nodded, shivering violently he allowed Dean to help him get his coat back on.

“Look, why don’t you go look out for Jody, she’s the sheriff, but was a medic and is on her way right now.”

“I can do that.” Joshua nodded.

“Keep moving, keep warm.”

…………………………

“Somethings wrong.” Gabriel said with a frown. His hands ceased to move under the pile of coats and returned instead to his brother’s head in concern, hair now hidden by the hat that Gabriel had been wearing.

“What?” Balthazar asked in alarm.

“I’ve only just noticed but, this side of his chest is lower than the other. I think his lung’s collapsed.”

“What do we do?” Balthazar asked, crouching at Castiel’s side.

“Look, Jody and the ambulance will be here any minute, we just got to wait it out.” Dean tried to calm the panicking brothers, despite the burning worry raging in his own stomach, spreading like wildfire. Where the hell was the ambulance? Where the hell was Jody?

“Your friend is here!” Joshua shouted from down the street.

“Thank God.” Dean breathed. His heart was thumping in his chest. Castiel was warmer now, a little at but he was still barely breathing, still tinged blue at the lips.

“Ok Boys step aside.” Jody barged her way in commandingly. She was carrying a large square bag, which Dean could only guess was her medical supplies and It was confirmed when she unzipped the lid and the contents became visible.

Dean was mesmerized by the way she worked, she moved quickly, but efficiently, exuding a level of calm that Dean knew was impossible to have in this situation.

“Gabriel, you stay put for now, but if I ask you to move, you need to move got it?”

Gabriel nodded. Jody worked silently, checking the Cas’ pulse, his pupils and looking for any sign of injury, her hands lingered on either side of his chest, feeling as he breathed. She inspected his hands, which had the same blue-ish tinge that could be found on his lips. She pulled out a stethoscope and rubbed it quickly, trying to bring some warmth onto the cold metal before she listened to his chest.

“Dean there are some blankets in the car. Go get them so you shivering idiots can put your goddamn coats back on and I don’t end up treating you all for hypothermia.” She slipped a pulse oximeter onto his left finger, trying to keep him covered as best she could.

“Is that why his skin is blue?” Gabriel asked. “Hypothermia?”

“No... He _is_ hypothermic down at 93oF. If he wasn’t so weak I wouldn’t be too worried by that, it’s not classed as life threatening. You boys have done a good job at keeping him warm. But the blue is called cyanosis, it’s from lack of oxygen, he has a left lung pneumothorax.”

“Is he going to be ok?” Gabriel asked, his voice weak and desperate.

Jody sighed. “I’m not going to lie to you Gabriel. His sats are 69, its very serious. I can’t tell you whether he’s going to make it or not. It really is 50/50 at this stage. But there’s hope, ok.” She tried to reassure, but it didn’t help the second brother in the slightest.

“Aren’t you going to stab him with a pen? Or whatever they do!” Balthazar clenched his fingers into his hair, the shock turning into a panic that was overwhelming him. “You have to do something!”

“This isn’t a tension pneumothorax, its caused by his illness not trauma. In this state, he is incredibly vulnerable to infection. I don’t do this sterile, and he will get an infection and right now I don’t think he’s strong enough to fight that off.”

There were the sound of sirens in the distance, rapidly approaching, as Dean returned with the blankets.

“Why don’t you go flag that down Balthazar. This place isn’t the easiest to find.” Gabriel told his brother. Zar nodded, hands still shaking. He knew his brother felt as helpless as he, but Balthazar needed to be able to do something, however small.

“And take your goddamn coat!” Jody yelled, throwing one, which happened to be Dean’s in his direction.

Soon the place was swarming with medics and Castiel was out of Gabriel’s arms. They felt empty without his brother’s cold form in them, useless, like they’d lost their purpose. He was desperate to crawl into that ambulance, but Zar was falling apart. He needed to go with Castiel, or he’d be a nightmare until they were reunited.

“Zar, you go with him.” Gabriel held his brother’s shoulder with trembling fingers.

“You should go brother.” Balthazar said dejectedly. “I will not be helpful at the hospital I will just get worried and angry and...”

“Zar, you go look after our baby brother and I’ll meet you there. Ok?”

Balthazar nodded, a sliver of joy passing through his worry filled eyes.

“Just please don’t punch any doctors, before I get there.” Gabriel smiled.

“I’ll try not to.” Balthazar nodded and climbed into the back of the ambulance. “I’ll take care of him Gabriel.” Balthazar managed to say as the doors were shut.

“I know you will.” Gabriel breathed to the retreating vehicle as sirens filled the air again, this time getting further away.

“We need to get to the hospital.” Dean started running the direction they’d come.

“Dean hold on.” Jody ordered. “Gabriel?” She walked up alongside the man, who was stood still, trembling, but not from the cold. “You’re in shock.” She said gently, slipping her hand on his shoulder and guiding him to sit down.

Gabriel heard her saying something, something about breathing as he continued to stare in the direction the ambulance had left. It took a while, but finally he felt the world coming back into focus and Jody was holding him, firmly but comfortingly.

“Have you got any chest pains?” She asked. Gabriel shook his head mutely.

“Dizziness, nausea?” He nodded.

“Ok, Dean we need to take Joshua and Gabriel to mine, get them warm and something to eat, then we can go to the hospital.”

“Balthazar won’t cope on his own.” Gabriel spoke weakly. “I need to be there. I was serious when I said he may punch a doctor.”

Jody sighed. She didn’t want to throw the shaken man straight back into the situation, especially knowing that he’d already had a stress induced heart attack before. But she saw how the brothers interacted, they would look after each other, she could tell. Besides, if something did happen to Gabriel the hospital was the best place for him to be.

“Ok everyone in the car.” She ordered.

“I really hope he is ok.” Joshua said, as he started to trudge away.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Jody asked.

“I...” Joshua started. “Back to the shelter.”

“No, you not, you’re coming to mine and I’m going to look after you.”

“I couldn’t possibly...”

“It wasn’t a request.” Jody said simply. “Get in the car all of you.”

………………….

Jody drove through the streets back towards the homeless shelter, dropping Dean off at the impala and ushering him and Gabriel out.

“You look after Gabriel, Dean. Don’t let him get too stressed. You look after both those boys ok?”

Dean nodded.

“I’ll call Sam and Bobby, no need to worry about that. I’ll tell them to wait a few hours and then come in, at which point all three of you are going to go home and get some rest.”

Dean just nodded again, too tired and worried to form words.

“You did good Dean. You did really good.”

That elicited a small smile as he climbed into Baby and headed off with a screech of tires.

…………………………..


	4. Chapter 4

The continuous sound of the siren had faded into background noise and Balthazar barely noticed it anymore. Nor did he pay attention to the frantic movements of the medics in the back of the ambulance. All he was focused on was his brother’s face. It was a face he had known so well once, and now he barely recognized it. He hadn’t seen Castiel since he was 14. Now his little brother was 22, a man. He had grown so much but looked frailer than Kali’s mother had when before she’d passed 8months ago. He searched Castiel’s face for any recognisable features, it had changed immeasurably, after all it had been all of 7 years since they had last seen each other. Anything, any trace of the young Castiel had melted away, like the meat had melted off his bones and left them protruding through, thin, tissue paper skin.

He couldn’t even imagine what Castiel had been through, how his brother had survived this or long or even why he had carried on. Even if Castiel made it through this Balthazar wondered, who would it be who woke up in hospital… how much of his baby brother would be left after the world was through with him. Nobody went through what he’d been through and came out whole. It was a case of seeing how many of the shattered pieces they could find, and then how many they could glue back together with love and patience… the latter of which Balthazar knew he lacked.

Castiel wasn’t the only one who had changed since they last met. Gabriel, largely, was still Gabriel. A trickster, with a good heart and far too much love for his family, he was older, wiser and a little less unpredictable now he’d met Kali, but Balthazar… was barely any of the things he’d used to be. Despite his outspokenness and rebellious nature, largely Balthazar had followed his orders from their parents and done as they were told. Now, he was off the rails. Even here, sat with his dying little brother he was starting to feel the effects of withdrawal and wondering when and where he was going to get his next fix. Sex, drugs and rock and roll. That’s how Zar worked. He’d done everything and everyone he could to escape all these messy feelings that made him feel trapped and small, but now he had to feel and it was killing him.

Seeing his brother like this, knowing what had happened, the guilt and the pain and the anger that were rolling round his blood, suffocating him made him understand why Gabriel had had that heart attack all those years ago. He’d grab a cigarette as soon as he could, hopefully that would ground him enough to get through the rest of the day.

……………………..

Dean hated hospitals. It was a cliché, but he really hated them. So many bad memories filled these walls, so much pain and suffering, but at least today he had a job to distract himself with. Gabriel was a mess, but somehow holding it together. Dean felt sick to his stomach as the glimpse of Cas he had caught being loaded into the ambulance crossed his mind again. Steve-Cas had been thin and fragile, but now… He wondered what was left of Castiel at all, he barely recognised the face that was now lying in the ICU as Gabriel followed him closely.

“I’m sorry Sirs, you can’t come in right now.” The doctor informed them and Gabriels shoulders sank. The medics were working furiously. There was already a chest tube fitted, he must have arrived like that. Castiel was being kept in isolation until his illness was confirmed and dealt with.

“Gabriel.” Balthazar said weakly. He was positioned just around the corner and Dean gave then their space as the brothers hugged and exchanged a few words before sitting down quietly to wait. DEan however could not remove his gaze from the room where Cas was. He just needed to see those blue eyes open, to see that there was still the same person in there, that there was hope, but Castiel wasn’t going to wake up anytime soon…

An induced coma they’d said… as the door of Castiel’s isolation room had been opened by an doctor entering with another IV stand, Dean had heard the words leak out into the coridoor along with the various beeps from monitors signalling that Castiel was anything but ok. He’d watched enough Doctor sexy to know that, that noise was signifying too low BP and the other meant Tachycardia. Not a good combination.

He had to drag his attention away from the room and back to the brothers. Zar was looking agitated nad Gabriel was sat with such a tension in his posture Dean was certain they were going to explode. He was fairly certain neither of them had eaten either.

As Dean started punching number into the vending machine he saw Balthazar stand up violently. Gabriel looked at his brother questioningly.

“I’m off for a smoke.” Zar said as an answer. Gabriel nodded and the man quickly turned to leave down the corridor. Balthazar…” Gabriel’s voice stopped him. “What?”

The honey blond routed around in his bag for a moment and then looked around for sign of anyone else in the corridor. “Don’t make me regret giving this to you.” Gabriel discretely held out a small packet containing two brightly coloured pills. Dean didn’t need to ask what was in it, whatever drugs Zar was on, the signs of withdrawal were starting to show. Dean sighed. God, this family was more screwed up than his.

“I don’t want to… I mean… I don’t want to do it anymore.” Zar sighed and Gabriel smiled genuinely.

“That’s great to hear Zar it really is, but take them… I can’t cope with you going through withdrawal right now, not on top of everything else.” Gabriel said despondently. “If you still mean that, when Cassie is better, we’ll talk about how to do it properly, ok?”

“Ok brother.” Zar smiled.

“And take your coat.” Gabriel added, throwing it at his brother who nodded his thanks.

Dean took that moment to sit next to Gabriel.

“Here.” Dean held out a sandwich, some crisps and a drink. “You need to eat something.”

“I really couldn’t.”

“I know man. I get it, really… If that was Sammy in there…”

“I’m his big brother Dean, I was supposed to protect him, to stop this from happening.”

“You can’t always be there, you can’t always stop them getting hurt and you sure as hell can’t change the past Gabriel. I know from experience. But what you can do is be here now. Pray for him now and when he’s stronger, you be there for him every step of the way.”

“I will be there this time.”

“I know you will Gabriel. And you won’t be alone. You and him and Balthazar, you have a new family now. And I know these people, I’ve known them my whole life and once they decide to help, they’ll help you whether you like it or not.”

“But you barely know us, none of you know us at all, why would you help.”

“Hell man, I’m no good at this emotions crap, you want that, you talk to Sammy, but we all care about Castiel and by extension that means we care about you too. He’s our family, you’re his family and that makes us all family.”

“That means a lot Dean. What you have all done, without you… we never would have found him.”

“Well, we all screwed up where your brother is concerened, but he’ll pull through this.”

“How are you so sure.”

“Because I have decided he’s going to and God would be an idiot to mess with the Winchesters.”  


Gabriel cracked a small smile at that. “I’m sure he would.”  


“Too right. Now, if you’re not going to eat something I insist you at least drink this… it’s 100% sugar and will ruin your teeth, but at least it will keep your blood sugar up. You’ll be no good to your brother if you’re a zombie.”

“Ok.” Gabriel conceded.

“Are those cheese and onion?” Dean jumped as the other Novak seemed to materialise behind him.

“Yes.” Dean replied, glancing at the crisps

“Gimme!” Zar snatched the packet out of Dean’s hands and sat down heavily.

“Zar!” Gabriel squawked in protest.

“What I’m hungry?” Balthazar said with his mouth full.

“That’s not what I meant.” Gabriel growled.

Dean smiled softly. “It’s ok Gabriel. I don’t mind.”

“Oh, stop frowning at me Gabe, every other moment of every other day you’re the one stuffing your face, just because I’m a stress eater and you’re the opposite doesn’t mean you should get bitter.”

“Do you have to eat them so noisily?”

“Do you have to exist so noisily?”

“Look just stop it the pair of you, eat your food, drink your drink and try not to give me a headache.”

It was going to be a long wait.

……………

“Mr. Novak times two?” It had been 5 hours. 5 hours of waiting and the brothers taking out their worry on each other with dean caught in the middle with a pounding headache. A short, young man, clearly a doctor popped his head into the corridor where the three men were waiting. He was handsome, with a kind face, darkened by the 3-day growth he was sporting. Interestingly he had a British accent.

“Doctor Davies. But, please, call me Mick.” He offered his hand first the Balthazar who was nearest and then Gabriel.

“Don’t leave them hanging Doc.” Dean advised.

“I’m sorry Sir are you related to the patient, I can’t really discuss otherwise…”

“He stays.” Balthazar said firmly.

“Ok, well. Your brother is incredibly lucky to be alive.” Mick sighed. “That doesn’t mean unfortunately he’s out of the woods yet. We have got his core body temperature stabilised and started treatment, but he has one of the most severe cases of Tuberculosis I have ever seen and is worryingly malnourished. For now, until he regains some strength I think it best he is kept in an induced coma. We have brought in a specialist, so he’s in the best hands, all being well we should be able to clear it up with a 6-month course of antibiotics.”

“6-months?” Gabriel asked shakily.

“With all antibiotics you have to complete the course… but we should see some improvement in 2-3weeks. But because of the seriousness of your brother’s condition there is a very real possibility of scarring on the lungs, damage caused by the bacteria. Pulmonary fibrosis is a very real danger and we intend to take him into theatre for a biopsy as soon as possible to confirm this either way.”

“What would that mean, if he has it?” Balthazar asked. He hated Doctors with their Jargon and their self-righteousness. Why couldn’t they just get to the point?

“Pulmonary fibrosis is a disease involving irreversible scarring to the lung tissue, it reduces lung function leading to a dry cough, shortness of breath… the issue is that the scarring continues to spread through the lung until all lung function is lost. Your brother, would be looking at eventual lung transplant.”

Gabriel’s heart fluttered, and his hand ghosted to his chest.

“Gabriel!” Dean was immediately by his side, glaring at the doctor. “You ok, any pain?”

“No.” Gabriel whispered. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yes, Dean I’m sure.” Gabriel said more strongly. He wasn’t ill, just worried. So very worried. This was too much.

Dean turned to Mick.

“This is all a maybe, right? Maybe he has scarred lungs, maybe he’s fine.”

“Exactly.” Mick said.

“Ok, well we cross each bridge when we come to it. No point worrying about what might be until the test results come in.” Dean glared at Mick and Balthazar with ‘got it?’ vibe. They both swallowed and nodded.

“Doc, a word if you would.” Dean chaperoned Dr. Davies further down the corridor and stopped when they were out of ear shot.

“Ok, I get that Balthazar asked what this pulmonary fibrosis thing means, but the other one, Gabriel, he had a stress induced heart attack when he was 21. So, let’s tread carefully with the worst-case scenarios, you got me?”

“Yes, I understand, and thank you for informing me.”

“Now be straight with me Doc, what do you think his chances are.”

Mick sighed. “Having seen the x-rays… There is going to be some left-over damage from this disease, no matter what, but I don’t think we’re going to find any severe fibrosis. I hope with him being young, however weak he may be at the moment, that Castiel will make a full, but slow recovery. But I can’t say anything definitively at this stage.”

“Ok thank you.”

Mick and Dean walked back towards the brothers, of whom Balthazar was fussing over Gabriel incessantly after his little scare.

“I apologise for worrying you both just then. It was wrong of me to speculate until we had the results. I would, if I may, like to go over your brother’s history. There is nothing on the system since he sprained his ankle at 10 years old.”

Gabriel chuckled. “That was when he fell out of that tree you told him he’d never be able to climb.” He said to Balthazar.

“Did he make it?” Dean asked, a smile in his eyes at the break in the worry etched on both their faces.

“Yes, the stubborn little shit got all the way to the top before the branch broke.” Balthazar reminisced. “You were furious with me.” He glanced at Gabriel.

“I was madder than Mum and Dad about it.” Gabriel chuckled a little bitterly.

“We’re such a pair of fuck ups.” Balthazar groaned.

“Hey. None of that!” A woman’s voice came from behind them and Dean recognised it instantly as Ellen. She and Bobby were stood with Sam ready to take over as Jody had promised. “Now I’ve been ordered to take you to back to Jody’s for a rest and there aint nobody dumb enough to disobey Jody.”

“We need to stay here.” Gabriel said bluntly. “They need Cas’ history.”

“Well Me and Bobby know the story, hell we were there for some of it, so why don’t we fill in the doc here while you get some rest.”

“We’ll go back to the hotel.” Balthazar said, keen to get Gabriel away from the stress.

“No, you’re all going to Jody’s, that’s final. She’s cooked you all up something special to celebrate.”

“I really don’t feel like celebrating.”

“None of us will till your brother is back on his feet.” Bobby said. “But he’s in there alive and in the best possible hands. Now if that aint something to celebrate I don’t know what is, regardless of what happens next.”

“It seems like we don’t have much of a choice.” Baltazar smirked.

“Damn right.” Ellen confirmed, wrapping her arm round the shaken Gabriel’s shoulders and guiding him to his feet.

“Come on Dean.” Sam took his brother’s arm and gently pulled him away from the isolation room he kept staring at.

“You’re not staying with Castiel?” Dean asked his mop headed brother.

“No. What can I do to help him here? Bobby and Ellen have got him, they’ll ring if anything changes and I’ll look after you.”

“I’m fine.” Dean muttered crossly.

“Well if that isn’t confirmation that you are anything but fine, then I don’t know what is.” Sam chuckled.

“Shut up Sammy, I said I’m fine.” Dean said irately.

“Hey, none of us are fine Dean, because Cas isn’t fine! It’s ok, not to be fine, but don’t you dare take it out on anyone but me you got it?”

“I’m sorry Sammy I…”

“Dean, it’s ok. Let’s just go to Jody’s eat a tonne of food and forget about this for a few hours. You want to go back to moping in the waiting room later I’ll join you all.”

Dean smiled a little. God love his baby brother.

“We found him Dean. You found him. And if I’m honest, that alone is better than I expected this to end.” Sammy breathed.

“I thought you said you had a good vibe?” Dean frowned.

“I did Dean, but logic was telling me he was already dead. This… is a miracle.”

“I suppose it is.” Dean agreed.

Castiel was alive. Castiel was safe. Now he just had to pray that Castiel would be ok.

………….

Memory came in flashes. A voice that sounded vaguely familiar, he could feel the motion of a vehicle. He was lying down, he was strapped down. He felt the worry rush inside him. Had lucifer found him after all this time. He started to gasp, and he realised how much pain there was, but it lasted only moments before he was tugged away into a swirling abyss and knew nothing more.

……………….


	5. Chapter 5

“What’s going on?” Dean cracked open his bedroom door wearily and Sam was stood outside. It was 8am, too early in Dean’s mind, but he’d been woken by the voices and sounds of movements in Bobby’s house.

“Dean. It’s Castiel.” Sam said sadly.

“What’s wrong?” Dean was suddenly wide awake. It had been a week, a week of waiting and watching for any improvement, Dean hadn’t actually been to see the guy in 3 days, it was largely restricted to only family and with Gabriel and Balthazar staying there had been a lot to do around the house.

“I got the call from Gabriel, they are taking him into surgery today.”

“Oh.” Dean’s stomach suddenly churned. They had been waiting for days after the biopsy results had come back. There was some fibrosis in his lung as they had dreaded there may be. The only option to stop it spreading was to remove a lobe of Castiel’s left lung, but Castiel had been too weak for the operation, the doctors were convinced he wouldn’t have made it.

“When?” Dean asked.

“In a few hours.”

“Is he ready?” As far as Dean had known, Castiel still hadn’t shown much progress in the last few days.

Sam didn’t speak for a moment. “Honestly?”

“Don’t sugar coat it Sam.” Dean said seriously.

“He’s barely any better than we found him Dean, but his body is not getting the oxygen so without this operation, he won’t improve and if they leave it any longer, the fibrosis may become too severe.”

“So, it’s now or never?” Dean gulped.

“Basically.” Sam nodded.

“You boys coming?” Bobby called from downstairs.

Dean sighed tiredly. “I’ll get dressed, give me 5 minutes.”

“We’ll meet you in the car.” Sam acknowledged.

…………………………

“Some way for you kids to be spending your Christmas break.” Dean huffed as he stood behind Charlie, Kevin and Sam in the waiting area. Again, only Gabriel and Balthazar were actually being allowed in to see Castiel, though Dr. Davies, or Mick as he insisted they call him, had kept them updated very thoroughly.

Jody seemed very friendly with Mick. Apparently, they used to work together quite closely while Jody was a Nurse. She seemed more worried than the rest of them were and that was never a good sign. Jody understood all this medical Jargon and Mick wasn’t holding back on the details. If Jody was worried they all had a right to be terrified.

“Dean…” Sam sighed.

“We wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” Charlie said firmly, though her usually bubbly demeanour wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

“Here, here.” Kevin nodded and Sam squeezed his shoulder to offer some comfort.

“Hey guys.” Mick came up behind the three of them. “I shouldn’t really do this but seeing as the chances are… well I’m not going to lie, they’re not great I’ll let you have 5 minutes with him before we take him into theatre.”

Sam turned around quickly. “Thank you, Mick.”

“Hey no worries.” Mick smiled weakly. “It’s nearly Christmas after all, right?”

Christmas. Shit. Dean hadn’t even realised it. They were now well into December and well, how could he even start to feel festive. There was only one Christmas present they all wanted and that was Cas back in one piece.

As Charlie, Kevin and Sam piled into the small room, Dean hung back by the door. They all stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do or say. Castiel was still being kept under, to give his poor fragile body the best chance.

Charlie and Kevin hadn’t seen him yet and the shock was evident in their faces. Dean actually thought he looked better, maybe a little heavier, certainly less pale though he supposed he hardly could have looked worse than he could have 9 days ago.

“Sorry guys, we need to prep him, if you could wrap this up.” Mick smiled weakly.

Sam let go of Cas’ hand, which he had, had a gentle hold of and backed away from the bed. He watched as Kevin turned around and left without a word, waiting just outside the door, but Charlie hopped gently up onto the bed.

“Good luck Cas.” She whispered into is ear and then pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, bringing a smile to Sam’s face. He wrapped his arm over her shoulders as they left, but then he turned around to see that his brother hadn’t moved.

“Dean?” Sam asked with a small frown. His brother turned to face him absentmindedly and Sam understood immediately.

“Yeah, just a minute. I’ll catch you up.”

Sam smiled and nodded. “Don’t take too long.”

Dean took a breath. Perching on the edge of the bed he rested his hand lightly over Castiel’s and said a silent prayer.

“You have to fight Cas. One last time you have to fight. I promise it will be worth it this time.”

Dean blew out slowly, holding his composure. He brushed the backs of his knuckles lightly over Castiel’s cheek, frightened that just the small touch would bruise the faded man. Slowly he got up and left, brushing past Doctors who were getting ready to enter the room.

“Should we wait?” Sam asked Dean, hopefully. They all wanted to stay.

“Someone should stay with Zar and Gabriel.” Dean confirmed

“I think Bobby is staying.”

“Ok then, it’ll be at least 4 hours, so we go home, give them some peace come back in a few hours.”

Sam nodded, and the others agreed a little reluctantly.

“Come on, let’s go to the roadhouse, get a drink.”

“Dean…”

“I know you’re all barely old enough, but one drink won’t kill you,

“I’m not old enough Dean, I’m not 21 till April.”

“Aww baby Kev… Ellen won’t give a stuff.”

“Ellen will give a stuff Dean.” Sam frowned.

“Look there’s nothing we can do here, have a drink don’t have a drink I don’t care let’s just go somewhere other than home because I can’t sit around there worrying another second I will explode.”

“Sure Dean. Sounds like a good idea.” Charlie smiled.

“Does that mean we get to ride in the Impala?” Kevin smiled.

“Sure, Kev can ride shotgun.”

“What!” Sam protested.

“Stop whining bitch, you always sit up front.”

It was cold outside. Very cold. Not as cold as it had been that fateful day when they’d found Cas curled up in the underpass, but this cold weather was turely horrific. Apparently, it was going to break soon, but they had been saying that for days. This was California. It wasn’t supposed to be this cold. The coldest temperature on record was back in 1894 and 17o local new stations were raving about how they had matched that and may even exceed that. They were acting like it was a competition, but it was stupid, people were dying. An elderly couple living alone had died last week, they didn’t report the number of homeless deaths, but Dean knew there had been some. They’d been to enough shelters in that search to know the effect it was having.

“I’ll be ok Dean.” Dean felt a hand on his shoulder and looked around to see Jody close behind him.

“Who’s operating?” Dean asked quietly as they began to move towards they’re separate cars.

“He’s in the best hands.”

Dean frowned. “What does that mean?”

“Dean, she’s one of the best surgeons in the state.”

“No, nah ah, nope, not happening!”

“Dean…”

“The woman’s a witch!”

“Maybe, but she is magic in that theatre.”

Dean practically growled.

“What’s going on?”

“Do you know who’s operating on Cas?” Dean barked at Sam.

“Ermm, no.”

“That bitch Rowena.”

“Oh, Dean chill out, she’s not that bad.”

“Is too.”

“Whatever, we’re waiting on you and the roadhouse was your idea so let’s go.”

…………………..

“Dean. Long time no see.” Jo smiled.

“Hey Jo.” He smiled weakly and then raised his voice a little. “Hey Ash.” He called into the back.

“Deano! Good to see ya.”

“You too Ash.”

Jo smiled. “What can I get you?”

“Whiskey, straight.”

“Dean you’re driving you remember?” Sam frowned.

“You drinking?” Dean threw back.

“No.”

“Then you can drive, because I’m drinking.” Dean huffed

“Rough day?”

“Cas went into surgery.” Kevin grumbled.

“Oh shit. Well, guess you could all use a drink.” Jo said and started pouring another 2 glasses.

“You better all be of age!” Ellen stormed in from the side door.

“I’m not.” Kevin admitted.

“Well damn if there’s one going spare.” Ash waltzed in from the kitchen and downed Kevin’s glass in one.

“Ash!” Ellen protested.

“What!”

“You’re still on shift.”

“Only for another… 2 and a half minutes.”

“That’s still on shift.”

Ash held up his hands and sauntered back towards the kitchen. “See you in 2mins Dean.”

“2 and a half.” Ellen said firmly.

“What she said.”

“That’s right.”

Dean chuckleled lowly and gestured to Jo for the bottle.

“What’s going on Dean? I know you like to drink away your problems, but this is a bit much even for you.”

“Its Rowena MacLeod.” Sam explained.

Ellen frowned. “What about her?”

“She’s Castiel’s surgeon.”

“Oh.” Ellen said as Jo spat out her drink everywhere.

“What!” Jo exclaimed.

“Joanna Beth!”

“But Mom, this is a disaster.”

“It’s hardly a disaster, she’s the best surgeon around, he’s…”

“If you say he’s in safe hands…”

“Dean you need to calm down.” Sam said gently.

“Why do you think I’m drinking.”

“Ok. Let’s just talk about something else.”

“Hey boys, what we drinking to?” Ash waltzed back in and the tension drained out of Dean’s shoulders instantly.

“What’s Dean’s deal with Rowena? Kevin asked Charlie quietly.

“Actually, its Dean’s Dad that has the issue, well, I suppose that means Dean does too.”

“What happened?”

“John was in a car accident a few years ago, nothing serious, no one got hurt but he’d been drinking.”

“Of course he had.” Kevin scoffed.

“It was Rowena he hit. Cops weren’t fussed, didn’t breathalyse him straight away just suggested that John offer to pay for the damage which he did, but Rowena wasn’t having any of it.” Charlie paused finishing her drink. “She made a huge fuss, John got caught taken through the courts and ended up with a short prison sentence.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.” Charlie scoffed. “Dean hates her because Sam was still 14, he nearly got taken into care, but Bobby stepped in, that’s why they both live with him now.”

“Jees. That’s heavy.”

“Yeah, just don’t mention it to Dean.”

“Goes without saying.” Kev chuckleled. “But she’s a good surgeon, right? Cas’ll be ok?”

“Oh, she’s the best, he’s in good hands.”

There was some gentle conversation, but the mood didn’t really lighten until Dean and Ash got into a match of pool. Dean had never stood a chance against Ash sober, let alone as tipsy as he was, but the elder Winchester gave a good run for the $20 he lost to the man with the mullet.

“How longs it been?” Dean asked, finally, deciding he’d lost enough money and been sufficiently humiliated for the evening.

“3 hours.” Charlie yawned.

“Fancy a trip back to the hospital?”

…………………………


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the nice chapter you have all been waiting for. :) Enjoy

He wasn’t sure he wanted to wake up, but it seemed he was being dragged out of the comfort and darkness whether he like it or not. The first thing he noticed was he was sore, but not like usual. The back of his ribs burned and ached and so did breathing. It was hard, like swimming through treacle. He had wanted the pain to be over, but somehow, he’d been dragged back from the brink again and he wanted to sob.

Every time he went for air it hurt, he missed the odd breath trying to avoid the pain but then the other burning started, deep in his aching lungs, a burn that told him he wasn’t getting enough air. The deeper he breathed the more it hurt and he wanted to make it stop, but he couldn’t he was already in oxygen debt. God, he couldn’t even die properly!

“Breathing is erratic.”

“Sats are dropping.”

“Do we need to put him back on the ventilator.”

“Give him a chance.” The Scottish voice, a women’s voice cut through the other’s like a knife and sharply solidified his hold on reality. There were soft sounds of beeping and machines, and he could sense there were quite a number of people in the room.

“He’s coming around.” A male voice, English. Had he been kidnapped, taken to England? Well wouldn’t that be another twist to this ridiculous story that was his life.

“Deep breaths, deep breaths please.” The Scottish woman again. Her voice was soothing, pleasant and it made him want to try.

But it hurt, he didn’t want to. His eyes flickered open and were bombarded by a bright light.

“Now now dear just relax, you’re in hospital. I need you to breath with me, I know it’s sore, but it will settle down if you just breath.”

Hospital. Cas tried to relax. How on earth had he ended up here? He opened his eyes slowly and the room started to come into view. Hospital. Definitely a hospital and there was a red headed woman stood over him concernedly.

“In… and out.” She coaxed and Cas tried to follow the woman’s words as she paced his breathing. “That’s it. You’re ok.” She smiled and Cas nodded a little, testing moving his fingers and toes. He felt weak and tired and sore… and hungry, but at least the pain of breathing was becoming easier to bear.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Mr. Novak.” Cas turned his head to see a man, the one with the English accent stood at the other side. How did he know Cas’ name? Not just his name, but his real name… What the hell was going on.

“I have heard quite a lot about you. You are very lucky to be alive.” The man continued.

Lucky to be alive. Lucky. It was just his luck. He had wanted to die. And how had this stranger heard a lot about him? From whom? Where was he, why was he here, how was he still alive? Was this even a hospital, or had he been kidnapped by some sick pyschos who took homeless people and harvested their organs… had his organs been harvested? Oh God!

“I’ll call your family in.” The English Doctor retreated from the room with 2 others in tow, leaving him alone with the red headed woman.

Family? Cas didn’t understand. He sat up gingerly. The panic melted into confusion.

“Careful laddie, you’ve been through the wringer. Just take deep breaths and stay calm, you’re safe here I promise.” The Scottish doctor helped him to sit gently. He opened his mouth to ask what the hell was going on when…

“Cassie!”

He knew that voice.

Castiel’s head turned sharply and he couldn’t believe what he saw.

“Oh, Cassie Thank God.”

“I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you awake. Oh, my Baby brother.”

It was his brothers. Gabriel and Balthazar. Walking towards him, Gabriel’s hair was longer than he remembered and Balthazar’s voice… he remembered hearing the accent when he’d spoken to them on the phone but hearing it in real life was very strange. What was with all the British people today? More so, what were they doing here and why were they crying?

“Careful Zar don’t crowd him.” Gabriel warned as Balthazar sat down next to the bed warily.

“Go in, Guys don’t wait in the door.” He knew that voice too… it was the nurse, the nurse who had helped him after Lucifer stabbed him, the woman who had recognised him coming out of Bobby’s… Jody, he remembered. Her name was Jody and in front of her was Sam and Charlie and Kevin and… Dean.

Dean was here.

They knew. They all knew, but how? What was going on, how… why… what were they doing here? He didn’t understand, why would they be here after what he’d done to them?

And the doctor had said his family… He didn’t have a family not since Dad had died and the twins… Where were the twins? He looked around hopefully, but there was no sign of them. They were in care after all, he remembered. He’d given them up. They were probably suffering in a unfit for purpose system. It wasn’t what they deserved and that was his fault. He felt so ashamed.

“You gave us a scare there, Dearie.” The red headed doctor smiled softly.

Cas frowned. He still didn’t know what had happened and nobody seemed to be offering any explanation. He looked around from face to face, trying to think, but the thoughts were rushing around too fast.

“Mr. Novak are you ok?”

Cas looked at the red-haired woman, eyes wide and panicked. What was happening? He didn’t like it, he just wanted…

“Hey Cassie, it’s ok.” Gabriel spoke softly, but despite the intention it offered him no comfort.

Cas opened his mouth to respond but the words wouldn’t come, they were stuck at the back of his throat and he couldn’t understand why. Then suddenly Zar’s hand wrapped round his upper arm, taking him by surprise. He flinched away violently, cringing at the hurt on his brother’s face.

“I’m sorry Cas I didn’t think, I just….”

“Just everyone take a step back and let him breath please.” The Scottish woman ordered.

Castiel hadn’t even realised he was panting for air again. The woman doctor, who he realised Dean was glaring at viscously talked him through gaining control of his breathing again. Why didn’t Dean like her? She was only helping. Maybe it was him he was angry at. That would make more sense. He had hit Dean, knocked him out. He looked away from the green eyes. Of course, Dean hated him. They should all hate him.

“We found you sleeping rough Cas.” Sam offered, sensing Castiel’s confusion. “We called an ambulance, you’ve been in a coma for 10 days.”

“You had a severe case of tuberculosis, hypothermia and are severely malnourished. We had to remove a lobe of your lung as the TB had caused a lot of scarring in your lung tissue. You will be sore and short of breath for a while, while you get used to it and you will have to take a fair few antibiotics to clear up any remaining infection, but you will make a full recovery.” The doctor told him.

Cas’ right hand ghosted around the back of his ribs, under his left arm where his back was sore.

“Yes, I’m afraid you have quite a big scar from the surgery.” The English man said, he hadn’t noticed him come back into the room, but all the eyes on him were making him feel uncomfortable.

“Castiel, are you ok?” Jody asked.

Castiel looked up and just stared at her.

“You need to tell us what you are feeling Cassie.” Gabriel prompted.

Cas just kept looking back and forth between them, his blue eyes wide and confused and panicked.

“Castiel, Brother, please say something.” Zar asked sternly.

Cas’ hands moved shakily to grip the back of his neck rubbing it anxiously as he looked down at the bed.

“If he gets much more distressed we will have to sedate him for his own safety.” Rowena warned and Cas flinched violently.

“Oh well done you stupid bitch, you just freaked him out even more!”

“Dean!” Sam scolded. “Not helping.”

A small argument started breaking out between Dean, the doctors and Sam, who was trying desperately to calm both parties down. Meanwhile Jody edged towards Cas, making sure she approached in his field of vision.

“Remember me sweetie?” She asked. Cas looked at her but did not make any move to answer, not even a nod of affirmation. Jody decided to continue. “Is it that you’re overwhelmed, or don’t want to talk to us? Or that you can’t talk to us?”

Cas gave something that resembled a very slight nod.

“You can’t talk?” Jody confirmed. And Cas nodded more obviously. “That’s ok, that’s ok Hun, do you want everyone to go.”

Cas looked down, avoiding eye contact.

“Sweetheart, you can ask us to go, we really don’t mind.”

Cas looked up, he looked torn. He glanced at Gabriel and Balthazar, the brothers he had known once but didn’t know anymore. He looked at Sam, Kevin and Charlie. He hadn’t seen them in a long time and he had never let them get too close. He looked at Dean and his stomach flipped. He had only known Dean for a day and it had gone from love to hate in a matter of moments. Then he looked back at Jody. Jody had been kind to him but again he’d only known her briefly.

There was only one person he knew at the moment, but he couldn’t ask for it. They probably didn’t even know him or where he was. He wanted Joshua.

Jody could tell he was trying to figure out a way to communicate with them, that there was something he needed. “Can you write it down?”

Cas shook his head. He shouldn’t ask for anything, he didn’t deserve it.

“If you change our mind, we’ll be outside ok. Let’s get you some rest, this is all a bit of a shock and there’s a long story to tell you, but not now, ok?”

Cas wanted to smile or to nod, or do anything really but he just couldn’t it was like he was paralyzed.

“Right everyone out!” Jody ordered. “You heard me… Out!”

Everyone scuttled out of the room quickly. No one ignored Jody.

……………………………….

6 hours.

6hours Cas had been on that table. Another hour they had left him on the ventilator before they’d finally felt confident enough to try and bring him round and then finally they’d been called in and there they were. Blue eyes. He’d wanted to see those blue eyes again for so long, but now… They were filled with pain, panic and confusion; so much sorrow Dean wondered if he’d ever see that spark in them again. Cas was broken, his body his mind. He was weak, scared and confused and he hadn’t even looked at Dean. Everyone else had got a stare of disbelief, eyes filled with questions, but the moment Cas had glanced at Dean he’d tensed and sharply looked away. Dean felt sick. Why wasn’t Cas talking? He just wanted so desperately to go over there and hug him, but if he’d flinched like that to his brother, how would he react to a stranger. And that’s what he was to Cas really, a stranger.

“Jody, what’s wrong with him?” He asked shakily when they’d all left the room.

“Dean, he’s not seen any of us in years, he barely knew half of us in the first place, can you imagine what that’s like. You fall asleep ill and cold, probably knowing it’s the end and wake up to this? This is all a bit overwhelming for him.”

“But why won’t he talk to us.”

“It’s not that he won’t talk to you, I don’t think he can.”

“You mean… He’s mute?” Dean asked astounded.

“It’s understandable, the trauma he’s been through there’s going to be some bumps in the road.”

“How long has he been like this?”

“Dean honey, I know as much as you do. I can talk to Joshua, see what he knows, he probably knows Cas best of all of us at the moment. Maybe its him he needs to see, not us.”

Dean nodded sadly. Of course, what Jody was saying made sense. He couldn’t even imagine what Cas must have been through. They all just had to be calm and patient, not something Dean Winchester was known for.

“Honestly I think we should all head home and come back tomorrow.” Jody started again, and Dean realised the others had joined them. “Balthazar, you stay for a while. I’ll go home and talk to Joshua and then we’ll alternate between the three of us through the night.” She gestured to Zar and Gabriel. “I know you all want to see him, but for now…”

“We need to do what’s best for Cas, we get it.” Charlie smiled.

“Let’s all get some rest, it’s been a tough day.” Dean agreed.

“That was Bobby.” Sam held up his phone. “He’s cooked up a feast, you’re all invited to stay over.”

“Sounds good. Everyone… to Baby!” Dean announced triumphantly, trying to lighten the mood.

“I’m driving Dean.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You were drinking earlier. I’m driving.”

“Ok fine. Not a damn scratch.” Dean said begrudgingly.

Sam rolled his eyes but said nothing.

…………………………

Jody returned the next morning, having had very little sleep. They’d each spent 6 hours at the hospital through the night. Cas had slept almost immediately after they’d cleared the room and hadn’t so much as moved until early morning when the Doctors were doing their obs and checked his surgery Scar.

“Mick.” Jody smiled as saw her old friend approach down the corridor.

“Jody, glad I caught you. He’s doing well, sats are good, scar is looking brilliant.”

“Glad to hear, do you think he might be up to anymore visitor’s?” She asked hopefully.

“I’m not sure Jody, we had a psyche in with him earlier, but he’s not communicating at all. All he’s done is nod to give us permission to check his dressing. I’d say just family and one at a time. Don’t expect anything.”

“Thank you.”

Gabriel went in first. He said very little and apart from opening his eyes when Gabriel first spoke, Cas just slept.

It was much the same for Zar, who babbled for hours about what they’d been up to since they’d left home. Cas didn’t sleep through it. He kept his eyes open and listened, but other than that he just lay there.

Jody put some magazines and books for Cas by his bed. It was a wide variety of stuff she’d had lying about the house. She didn’t know what he’d like, but he didn’t so much as give them a second look before settling down to sleep. He looked peaceful, at ease, which was strange considering what he’d been like when he’d woken up. But she knew the mind was a complex thing, and after everything he’d been through it was hardly unexpected.

But Joshua said he’d been speaking normally the last time he’d seen him and that was only weeks ago. And the old man was desperate to see Cas.

“Gabriel.”

“Hi Jody.”

“Go home get some sleep.”

“But what if he needs me?”

“We’ll call you. You look worse than your brother, you’ll be no help to him if you pass out”

Gabriel nodded, and Jody pulled her phone out of her pocket to dial a number.

“Hi Dean, you busy?” She sighed tiredly as the call connected.

“No Jody. Is everything ok? What do you need?”

“Everything’s fine. Can you come to the hospital, pick up Gabe and take him to Bobby’s? He’s exhausted.”

“Sure thing.”

“Actually wait, can you swing round mine first and pick up Joshua, bring him in?”

“Consider it done. Is Cas any better?”

“He’s not responding at all, but he’s not as jumpy any more. The doctors have touched him a few times, but he’s clearly not comfortable with it.”

“Has anyone actually talked to him about everything?”

“Well Balthazar pretty much told his entire life story by the sound of it…”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been thinking about it and I mean, to him his brothers just ditched him, he doesn’t know about Gabe’s heart attack and all of that… He ran from us, knocked me out, he probably thinks we have some sort of ulterior motive for helping him.”

“He doesn’t trust us.” Jody sighed in realisation.

“No, I don’t think he does, I mean he’s let the doctors touch him, but has he let anyone else?”

“We haven’t tried to be fair, not after Balthazar.”

“Well I think someone should. So, you told me the other day, think about it from his point of view. He was curled up in an underpass, sick and freezing then next thing he knows bam, all these random people from his past are there, talk about strange.”

“I see your point.” Jody nodded. “How long will you be?”

“Getting in the car now, 20 minutes tops.”

“Thank you, Dean.”

………………………..

As promised Dean arrived 20 minutes later with Joshua in tow.

“Hello Joshua, how are you this afternoon?”

“Very well thank you Miss Jody.”

“Lose the Miss. It’s Jody. If you want to give me a title its Sir.” She smiled.

“Yes Sir.” Joshua smiled. “How is Michael… Sorry, Castiel?” He asked nervously.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve been wanting to call him Steve since we found him.” Dean chuckleled.

“Well, we thought you might like to see him.” Jody smiled. “So, you can see for yourself.”

“Oh, I would, I would like to very much.”

Jody smiled broadly. “Come on then. I will warn you, he’s been asleep most of the day.” She said as they entered the room.

“That’s ok. Is he still not talking?”

“No.”

They sat down by Castiel’s bedside, Jody staying out of the way in the corner. It was at least half an hour before those Blue eyes flickered open and Joshua’s face lit up.

“Hello Michael.” Joshua said softly and Castiel tilted his head to the side curiously, much to Jody’s surprise. “I’m sorry, it’s Castiel of course, not Michael… I, I’m not sure which you would prefer me to call you.”

Castiel sat up gingerly.

“Oh, please don’t move on my account.” Joshua protested, seeing Castiel wince in pain. But the raven-haired man was smiling. Jody nearly dropped her cup of water.

“I am so pleased to see you.” Joshua smiled, and Cas’s face only lit up more. “I am so sorry that I left you alone Michael… Castiel I… I was as scared as I imagine you were at the thought of being outside in that cold, but I should have stood my ground and made them let you in, I was a coward.”

Castiel frowned and shook his head firmly. The message was clear.

“No, I must apologise. I am just glad we found you before it was too late. And Jody has been very kind to take me in.”

Cas glanced over to Jody, intrigue in his eyes.

“She has been very good to me… I used to be a gardener and she is helping me to get a job in a local garden centre, then maybe in a few months I will be able to rent a house and get back on my feet.”

“Joshua, you are welcome to stay with me as long as you need, or as long as you want. I did not help you to get a job to get you out of my hair, it was because you wanted to work. You are part of the family now.”

“Well, I don’t know what to say other than thank you.”

Jody could feel the stare of Castiel’s blue eyes focused hotly on her. She smiled at him softly, his expression unreadable until his face broke out into a smile that was aimed solely at her. Although no words crossed his lips Castiel’s eyes said everything that needed to be said. They conveyed a gratitude to Jody that made her smile broader.

She picked up her chair and moved it towards the bed, taking Castiel’s silent invitation into the conversation.

“Jody tells me that you are doing well, recovering.” Joshua prompted. Castiel shrugged, but there was still a small smile gracing his lips.

“You look better anyway.” Joshua nodded.

“Are you cold Castiel?” Jody asked, noticing how Castiel was sat quite hunched.

He seemed to think for a moment before shaking his head.

“Are you sure? I can get you an extra blanket, no trouble. Would you like that?”

Cas took another moment and then nodded, and Jody smiled.

“I’ll be back in a moment.”

Jody knew where everything in this hospital was, but she also knew she couldn’t just waltz into the store cupboard, she didn’t work here anymore after all. She headed to the staff room and knocked on the door and was greeted by a sea of familiar faces, who were all eager to catch up with her.

She returned 20 minutes later to see something which she really hadn’t expected. Joshua was perched on the edge of the bed, holding Castiel close to him in a gentle hug. Breakthrough. She smiled softly and waited a few minutes for them to pull apart.

“Look what I found.” She said, holding up a blanket. Cas smiled broadly, but didn’t hold out a hand to take it, so Jody just put it on the end of his bed. It took Cas a while to pick it up but he wrapped himself in it tightly, with a look of contentment.

“Now, do you remember last night I said there was a bit of a story to tell you… Do you want me to start explaining now or do you feel you want a bit more time?”

Castiel looked unsure but didn’t make any move to convey a wish either way.

“You want more time?” Jody asked more specifically.

Castiel shook his head.

“You’re ready now?” She asked a little surprised.

Cas nodded hesitantly.

“Ok then. I think I better go through this chronologically. There are some things I will let your brothers tell you for themselves, but you need to understand why they left. Things were stressful between your Mother and your older brothers.”

Cas nodded to say he remembered.

“So stressful that Gabriel actually had a small heart attack when he was 21.”

Cas looked a shocked and then worried, and then a little panicked.

“He’s ok now Castiel, but obviously Balthazar was very worried about him, so they left to take him away from the stress. I know they both regret falling out of touch with you. They say you rang Balthazar at some point…”

Cas nodded sadly.

“Well not long after that Gabriel went back to your old home in Beverly hills, and that’s when he found out had happened between your mum and your Dad. They’ve been looking for you ever since.”

Cas’ eyes widened slightly, and Jody gave him a moment to process. “You still ok?”

Cas nodded, but hugged the blanket a little tighter. Joshua put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “We can stop whenever you want Son.”

Cas nodded, it was unclear whether it was to say he’d understood or that he wanted to carry on, but Jody decided to wait a moment anyway. She let her hand hover for a moment above Cas’, making sure he’d seen her approaching and had had a chance to protest, but he just looked at her briefly and then looked back to Joshua. She let her hand close around his and squeezed it gently.

“We looked for you from the moment you ran from the hospital, but all Dean’s leads ran dry and eventually we had to stop looking. Then when the twins were put into care there was a big custody battle between Gabriel and his wife and your Mum and her new fiancée.”

Cas sat up sharply at mention of the twins which turned into fear at mention of his Mother.

“Son, relax.” Joshua said gently. “It’s ok, Gabriel won Custody of your little brother and sister.”

Cas nodded a little, a smile gracing his lips. Everything that had been tense in his body seemed to loosed and a small tear of happiness rolled down his cheek, making Jody squeeze his hand a little harder and stroke his shoulder as she continued.

“The story made the news and well, Sam and Dean realised that Castiel and Steve were the same person and Gabriel and Balthazar launched a missing persons plea. We met your brothers and searched the city, until we met Joshua who showed us where you usually slept and that’s how we found you.”

“I was so sorry to hear what you had been through Castiel.” Joshua sighed. “No one should have to suffer so much in their life, especially from an Uncle, from family.”

Castiel’s eyes went wide. He hadn’t expected them to say that, for them to know that and now his was spiralling dangerously. Panic clouded over his features. Joshua was frantically apologising, trying to calm him down, while Jody was putting the pieces together.

Castiel had been on the run, he hadn’t seen the news, he hadn’t known what had happened to the twins, so he probably had no idea what had happened to Lucifer either.

“Castiel, look at me, listen to me.” It took a few attempts, but the panicking Castiel finally made eye contact with her.

“What’s going on.” Mick barged into the room. Of course, the alarms were blaring indicating Cas’ raised heart rate.

“Just back off a minute Mick.” Jody asked. “Castiel, look at me, that’s it. Breathe. Lucifer is in prison Castiel. For life. He has been for three years.”

Castiel looked at her disbelieving.

“It’s true Castiel.” Joshua confirmed.

“You’re safe Castiel, its over. Truly its over. You’re going to be ok. We’re going to look after you, we all are.”

A weight seemed to visibly lift from Castiel’s shoulder. The panic drained away, but so did the colour from his face. He was shaking a little bit and Jody soon realised there were silent tears tracking down her face.

She hopped onto the bed and did the only thing her motherly instincts were screaming at her to do. She wrapped her arms around him and he didn’t so much as flinch. It took a moment, but suddenly Cas was hugging her back, clinging on for dear life.

“I think you’ve had enough for today huh Cas?” She said softly, when she realised Cas was not going to let go anytime soon. “It’s time you got some rest sweetheart, you have gone awfully pale.”

She gently prised herself out of Cas’ vice like grip and picked out a tissue. She dried his cheeks off gently and rewrapped him the blanket that had been discarded.

“You settle down and get some sleep.”

He was looking at them both desperately in way she couldn’t quite figure out.

“What’s wrong honey?” Cas just kept looking between them and then at the door. “You don’t want us to go? We can stay if you want Cas, we just need you to get some rest.”

Cas nodded furiously.

“And maybe we’ll call your brothers if you like.” Joshua offered, and Cas smiled broadly.

“That’ll be a yes then.” Jody grinned. “You settle down, I’ll make the call and Joshua is going to need some food from the canteen. But we’ll be straight back.”

When Jody came back into the room, Cas was laid down again, but his eyes were still open, as if he didn’t believe they were coming back. As soon as he saw Jody return the tension went out of his shoulders and he let his eyes slip closed. All Jody could do, was smile.

………..

“Hi Honey.” Gabriel said tiredly as the phone connected.

“Gabriel, sweetheart, are you ok?” Just the sound of Kali’s voice made everything better, well not everything, but a lot of things and as usual she could read him even over the phone.

“I’m not doing too bad. He’s out of the woods we think, I’m sorry I didn’t check in sooner…”

“Gabe it’s ok and I’m so glad, but what’s wrong.” Kali could hear the pain in her husband’s voice even though he was trying so hard to cover it.

“He won’t talk Kal, he’s so traumatised…” Gabriel tailed off with a choke.

“Sweetheart it will be ok. You’ll get him back, it will take time but we’ll look after him.”

“I know.” Gabriel sighed. “How are the kids?”

“They miss you.”

“I’ll pop home soon.”

“We’ll look forward to it but stay there as long as you need to. In the meantime there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

“Yeah?”

“I bought a house.”

“Ok?”

“In San Jose. Three doors down from the twin’s old school actually.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Gabriel could hear the smile in her voice.

“Kali I couldn’t ask you to…”

“Gabriel, we both now I hate it here. It’s so… pretentious. You need to look after your brother, but I’m not sure looking after Castiel and the twins in the same house is what’s best for any of them.”

“What are you saying?” Gabriel said darkly.

“Gabe, its ok, that’s not what I mean. There’s a place to rent 3 doors down from the house I’ve bought, I am suggesting that I move into the rented place with the twins and you and Castiel can have the other house, Balthazar too, that way Castiel can have your full attention and the twins can have mine. Then if there are any bumps in the road with Castiel the twins aren’t affected and visa versa.”

“Are the twins ok with moving?”

“We’ll tell that what’s been going on when you come home and take it from there, but if they don’t want to move the house its still there for you and your brothers. It wouldn’t be fair to move Castiel away from his friends, not when they may help him to recover.”

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”

“You don’t need to, I already know.”

“Of course you do.”

“Be careful Gabe, if you get too stressed, pleased take yourself out of the situation.”

“I will I promise, but I think, well, more hope, that we are through the worst of it.”

“So do I sweetheart.”

“I am getting another call Kali, can I call you back?”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll say goodnight instead, I just put the twins to sleep and I’m exhausted.”

“Ok, Night.”

“Goodnight.”

Gabriel hung up and accepted the other call. “Jody?”

“Hi Gabriel. Some good news.”

“Yeah?” Gabe said eagerly.

“I brought Joshua to see Cas and well, he lit up. We explained how you’d been looking for him and a little of why you had to leave home. Gabriel… he didn’t even know Lucifer was in prison.”

“He didn’t?” Gabriel sighed. “How did he take it?”

“Pretty well, he, well he didn’t ask, he still hasn’t spoken but he’s much more communicative… the point is he wants to see you both.”

“I’ll go get Balthazar.”

“Hold your horses Gabriel. He’s practically passed out right know. Get a few hours’ sleep and then Dean’ll drive you both in. I’ve already talked to him.”

“Ok. I’ll take that.”

“Great. See you soon.”

………..


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of cute and fluffy for y'all.

It wasn’t until well past 10am the next morning that Castiel showed any sign of waking. He had barely stirred while Mick had come and done his checks, they hadn’t seen Rowena since the night of the surgery, though she was due to come and check on her patient today and Cas was scheduled for a chest CT to check the TB was under control and everything was healing from the surgery.

Gabriel was hoping that they would be able to take the chest tube out soon. It had to be kept in until they were sure there was no air in his chest cavity and everything was healing as expected, but Cas was looking better with each passing day, even if he slept for most of it.

“Morning little brother.” Gabriel smiled as he saw those bright blue eyes flicker open.

Zar woke with a start next to him at the sound of Gabriel’s voice. The man looked like hell. Gabriel knew he hadn’t been sleeping, but he had been drinking either and he hadn’t seen him high in a while, which he supposed was a plus. He was smoking like his life depended on it though. He’d lost count of the number of times he’d caught his brother in the scrap yard outside Bobby’s house lighting up cigarette after cigarette. They all had their ways of coping, he just wished his brother’s mechanisms weren’t so damn self destructive. Though he supposed he could hardly talk. Despite Bobby and the Winchesters practically trying to shovel food down his throat 24/7 Gabriel hadn’t really been eating, and he knew he’d lost a good 10 lbs. Kali would be mad at him when she saw him.

“Cassie?” Zar smiled when he saw that the raven-haired man was indeed awake.

Castiel yawned and pulled the blanket that Jody had brought him tighter in before his tired eyes focused on his brothers. He smiled at them wearily, but it was enough to have them both grinning from ear to ear.

“No don’t sit up Cassie. You need your rest.”

Cas rolled his eyes at Zar, siting up regardless and his brother blinked at him in disbelief. “Where the hell did that attitude come from?”

Gabriel just chuckleled whilst Cas shrugged. “It seems we both have a fair bit of apologising to do little brother.” He sighed.

Cas frowned and tilted his head to the side questioningly.

“I’m sorry we made you feel like we’d left you… I’m sorry we weren’t there to protect you from Mother.”

“I have more to apologise for. When you rang me that night and I said I didn’t care… I was drunk and probably high…”

“Definitely high.” Gabriel sighed.

“Fine, drunk and high and, I didn’t mean a word of it Castiel, I really didn’t. I am such an ass!”

Cas shook his head, frowning.

“What?” Zar asked.

Cas shook his head again.

“No, I’m not an ass?”

Cas nodded.

“Oh, Cassie dear, you have no idea what an ass I am.” Zar chuckleled.

Cas shook his head in disagreement.

“No, Castiel, he is actually the biggest asshole I know.” Gabriel shook his head.

“But you love me.” Zar batted his eyelashes at Gabriel, leaning close to him.

“Unfortunately, yes I do.” Gabriel pushed Balthazar off roughly. “Which is probably the only reason I haven’t killed you yet.”

“Charming!” Zar spat.

“What do you think of Zar’s new accent Cassie?” Gabriel shook his in disbelief.

Castiel just looked at Balthazar with an expression of intense disapproval.

“Oh, I don’t care what either of you think, it gets the women.”

“And the men.” Gabriel added.

“Oh, the men love it.” Balthazar chuckled.

Castiel frowned, first in confusion then in shame and looked away from his brothers which did not go unnoticed.

“So, there’s some bits of this very sorry tale of ours that Jody missed out Cassie, things you need to know.”

Cas looked back gingerly and nodded for Zar to continue.

“Gabriel didn’t just get stressed out by a few family arguments.” He sighed. “Mother, was abusive and I had a habit of acting out. She locked me in a cupboard once for blaspheming, you were far too young to remember, but Gabriel took it upon himself to protect us from her when Dad was not around.”

Castiel didn’t look particularly surprised, just sad.

“And then there was her homophobic rants. You see Castiel I couldn’t just sit there and listen to them, because when Gabriel said my accent pulls the men, well, that’s because I’m bisexual.”

Cas’ eyes went wide.

“So, listening to all her speeches about how people like me were God’s mistake and how we were evil… I couldn’t stand for it.”

“And the things she said about curing Gay’s was my last straw.” Gabriel growled.

“I never told her of course, but the stress of her finding out, and the way the Dad was giving up before our eyes…”

“I couldn’t cope with it anymore. It was selfish, to leave you behind… and I mean, I can’t even imagine what hearing all that homophobic bullshit day in day out did you I just thought… she always liked you more Castiel, I thought you’d be ok.” Gabriel finished.

Castiel sat up and shook his head again. It wasn’t your fault he seemed to say and he held out his hand towards his brothers. Zar bypassed the hand and went straight in for a hug, which made Cas recoil a little in surprise, but Zar didn’t notice and thankfully their baby brother relaxed into it before Gabriel could intervene. Gabriel was much more tactful about it when Balthazar pulled away, but their hug was interrupted by a shrill Scottish accent.

“Well isn’t this a lovely sight. Mr. Novak times three this morning, how are we all doing?”

Everyone turned to look at the red head, but she continued regardless.

“My, my aren’t you looking better.” Rowena smiled broadly. “I have to say Mr. Novak, you did have us all very worried. Now would it be ok if I had a look at that scar of yours?”

Cas nodded and Rowena moved in swiftly to look at the long crescent shaped scar on the back of Cas’ ribs and shoulder blade. It was the first time the brothers had seen it and Gabriel suddenly went very pale. The thing was damn near half a metre long and it wasn’t the only mark on Cas. His back bore numerous small scars and he didn’t even want to think how his brother had got them.

“Hey.” Zar nudged him. “You need to step outside for a bit?” He asked Gabriel.

“No Zar its ok.”

“Well a perfect job, even if I do say so myself. You are healing very well, but I think we’ll get you in for that CT today to be sure.”

Castiel looked at his brothers uncertainly.

“Is that ok Cassie?”

“The CT is nothing to be afraid of, it can get a bit noisy…”

Cas rolled his eyes and Gabriel chuckled.

“What?”

“Well from what I heard, Cas had been studying Biology at Stanford a few years back, he wanted to be a doctor.”

“Oh, so you know all about it then.” Rowena chuckleled. “I’m just going to listen to your chest now. I’ll warn you the stethoscope will be a wee bit chilly.”

Cas tensed up a little as she told him when to breathe, in and out, and listened to his chest from multiple positions.

“That all sounds good to me. I believe I can get the nurses to take out that damn nuisance chest tube for you later on, there’s no air on your chest so there really isn’t any need to leave it in.” She smiled, and Cas smiled back weakly.

“Righty, I’ll get you booked in with CT, but I would also like to see you walking if I could please, you really need to get yourself back on your feet as soon as possible, with an operation like this.”

Cas nodded his understanding and started to shuffle himself to the edge of the bed.

“Do you need a hand little brother?” Zar offered, diligently.

Cas took the offered hand and got to his feet. Stood up the extent of his weight loss hit Gabriel like a tonne of bricks. Castiel’s legs were so thin, he moved forward rapidly, half expecting them not to snap under the strain, but somehow Cas seemed ok on his feet. He took a tentative step forward, still holding onto Zar’s hand, but after a few more he was walking completely normally, if a little slowly.

Gabriel couldn’t believe it… but then again it made sense. He’d some of the models Kali worked with and many of them were worse off than Castiel looked, yet they still strutted up the catwalk no problem.

“That’s very good Mr. Novak.” Rowena smiled. “If you could do that a couple of times a day that would be excellent.”

Cas was very out of breath when he sat back down on the bed and it took him a few minutes to get back to normal breathing.

“I’m afraid that will be very normal for you for a while.” Rowena said sympathetically. “It will take time for your body to get used to the reduced lung capacity, and although you’ll never be an Olympian, given time there is no reason you will not be able to get back to normal and exercise fully.”

“That’s great.” Balthazar smiled.

“Yes, exercise, when you are ready will be a big aid to your recovery, but the main focus has to be getting you back to a healthy weight. The nurses have noted in your file that you are not eating very well Mr. Novak, is there any reason for that?”

Castiel shrugged in a way that said he just wasn’t hungry.

“Can you really blame him for not wanting to eat the hospital food Doc?” Balthazar shrugged.

“No, I suppose not. But you really must do your best. Your family can of course bring in some food if you have any particular favourites.”

“Don’t tell Ellen or she’ll bring in the whole restaurant.” Zar chuckleled.

“Well, although nutritious food would be preferred, anything you can eat right now Mr. Novak would be beneficial, within reason.” She added sternly at the plotting look Balthazar had suddenly sprouted.

“So, no toxic waste then.” Zar sighed.

“Really Zar?” Gabriel said in alarm.

“What? He used to love that stuff when he was little!”

“Maybe he did, but it made him sick for days.” Gabriel remembered with a grain

Cas was shaking his head rapidly, already looking a little green at the memory.

“See Cassie is saying no.” Gabriel chuckled.

“Ok well, we’ll work on it.” Zar conceded.

“Right, well your CT’s booked for 3pm and a nurse will be around to take out that chest tube shortly.”

“Thanks Doc.”

“You’re very welcome.” She smiled, turning away. “Take care Mr. Novak.” She added fondly.

………..

“Gabriel, I want to talk to you about what we’re going to do when Cas is ready to come home.”

Cas had been worn out when he’d got back from the CT and had fallen fast asleep. The results were good, everything was as it should be and the TB was far less active. The antibiotics were doing their work.

“Zar…” Gabriel started.

“No, let me finish. The twins need to be your priority, I mean, you just got them settled, you can’t go uprooting their lives and well, it’s going to be hard and stressful and I can’t… I don’t you want your health to suffer.”

“Zar…”

“What I’m saying is I’ll look after him Gabriel. I’ll get a place and…”

“Zar, Kali already bought a house.”

“She did?”

“And there’s a place to rent three doors down, we were thinking, you and I look after Cas and she keeps the twins, a few doors away but still in easy visiting reach.”

“That sounds… that sounds great Gabe, but I think you should stay with Kali.”

“What and leave you to look after Cas… You?”

“Yeah, yeah, mock all you want, but you’ll be three doors away, easily able to check on me and my appalling patient caring for skills and this way, the twins have the most stability and you have somewhere that you can really get away from it all if you need it.”

“You know what Zar, that’s actually not a bad idea, but we need to talk about your little problem before I trust you with our brother.”

“Yes, I’m, I’ve found a local therapist, specialising in addiction and well, my dealer has gone dark anyway. I haven’t had anything since you gave me that packet when we first found him.”

“So, you’re clean?”

“Yeah, I am. I’m still gagging for it, but for now I’m in control.”

“Well it’s a start. Thank you Zar, really, you should do it for yourself not me or Cas or anyone else.”

“I know Gabe and I am, honestly.”

“If you are struggling, you have to tell me, talk to me.”

“I will.”

“As good as that is Zar, you have gone from straight from pills to cigarettes. You can’t smoke around Cas, not with his lungs as they are.”

“I know. I’m working on that as well, but it won’t be overnight.”

“I know brother. I’m so proud of you I really am.” Gabriel opened his arms and brought his brother into a hug. “Let’s go back and get some rest.”

………………………….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean'll be in the next chapter I promise.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a while. Real mixed chapter this one, but I hope you enjoy it.

“Hey Cas!” Charlie said excitedly as she, Sam, Kevin and Dean made their way tentatively into Cas’ hospital room.

“We heard from your brothers that hospital food wasn’t agreeing with you, so Ellen sent us with stuff from the diner. She seemed to remember you liked the burgers… but she wasn’t sure, so we have a bit of everything.” Sam smiled, more calmly as he put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder to remind her to keep it chill.

Cas looked at them with an odd mixture of surprise and confusion on his face that Sam couldn’t quite read. Gabriel had talked to Cas yesterday and asked him if he would like to see them. Cas had said yes, so he knew they were coming, so what was the surprise in his expression?

“You remember Ellen, don’t you?” Sam smiled gently.

Cas nodded in a way that said ‘of course’.

“Good, Ok. So… Are you hungry?”

Cas shrugged a little nervously.

“Well give that a sniff and I guarantee, you’ll be hungry.” Charlie smiled, laying out a burger and fries in front of Cas on the table.

There was a real awkwardness in the room. No one knew what to say to Cas and he was just staring at a spot on the wall, showing no interest in the food. For some reason Dean was sat in the corner, away from the rest of them which wasn’t helping matters. He was supposed to be the damn icebreaker, the one who Cas had the greatest connection with, but the pair hadn’t even looked at each other yet.

“So, Sam.” Charlie said between mouthfuls. If Cas couldn’t talk and talking at him probably wasn’t the best idea she decided that if she just struck up a normal conversation Cas might start to feel part of it. “Did you ever find yourself a placement for when you graduate?” She asked casually.

“I have a few options, but nothing’s perfect. Though I suppose I’ll have to pick something soon, or I’ll run out of time.”

“Dude, you have months, graduation isn’t until Summer!” Kevin protested.

“Yeah, but Law’s a competitive field Kev, just because you have everyone fighting over you…”

“Hey, not my fault I’m a genius.” Kevin shrugged and Sam chuckled.

“Kevin graduated early.” Charlie explained to Cas. “But no surprises there. You were thinking of going to work for CERN weren’t you Kevin?”

“Yeah, I was, but I don’t really fancy it anymore. It sounds cool and all, but I have a really interesting offer from NASA, and its closer to home and I mean… Switzerland?”

Cas looked up at Kevin, awe and pride in his friend clear in his eyes, causing Kevin to smile at him.

“Closer to your Mom more like.” Dean chuckled.

“Yeah exactly Dean! If she found out I wanted to move to Switzerland, she’d lock me in the basement!”

“Yep, too right I know not to mess with Mrs. Tran!” Dean scoffed.

Sam started laughing. “I remember that time we all went to the cinema in high school and Dean told you he’d asked your Mom’s permission, but he hadn’t…” Sam cut off for laughing as Charlie started giggling.

“That wasn’t funny!” Dean protested.

“No too true it was hilarious.” Charlie joined in.

“I’ll never forget your tiny mother dragging Dean out by his ear. Best day of my life.” Sam sobbed in hysterics, tears running down his cheeks.

Dean folded his arms and gave his brother a grumpy look. “Bitch.” He huffed.

“Jerk.” Sam chuckled as he composed himself.

“She still doesn’t trust you either.” Kevin chuckled.

“That’s why I never come around to yours.”

“What Dean Winchester scared of tiny Mrs. Tran?” Charlie teased.

“What is this, pick on Dean day?”

Sam chuckled lowly, sensing his brother had, had enough. No sense embarrassing him in front of his kind-of-boyfriend from 3 years ago. Dean may not act like it, ever, but he was a sensitive soul, bless him Sam mused. “You’ve never said what you were going to do after college Charlie.” Sam asked, changing the subject.

“That’s because I’m not sure. Me and Dorothy were thinking of taking a gap year and doing some travelling before we get proper grown up jobs.”

“Cas hasn’t met Dorothy Charlie.” Kevin reminded her.

“Oh yes of course! Cas, I met this wonderful woman, her name is Dorothy…”

“Yes, I think he could have guessed.”

“Shut up Sam.” Charlie huffed, and Cas smiled broadly at the passion Charlie spoke with. “Anyway, we’ve been dating for 2 years now and she’s wonderful Cas, she’s so kind and gentle, but also a total badass, I think you’d really like her. We’ll all have to have lunch together when you’re out of this place.” She smiled, and Cas nodded.

They continued with the idle chatter until a sudden and unexpected moan from Castiel had them all turning to face him in shock. Castiel clasped his hand over his mouth, blushing at the sound he’d made. In his other hand was the burger, one clean bite taken out of it and it quite clearly had tasted like had heaven to the malnourished man.

“You like that?” Charlie said hopefully, and Cas nodded again. “Told you!” Charlie said excitedly. “Ellen’s burgers are the best!”

Cas smiled, his eating looked torn between wolfing the whole thing down desperately and savouring the taste of every mouthful.

“There’s another one in there if you’re still hungry.” Dean offered, pointing at the bag, and Cas tensed a little.

“Isn’t that your one Dean?” Kevin asked.

“No.” Dean lied. “Ellen just packed extra, I already ate.”

Sam knew for a fact that wasn’t true, but Dean had seen how much Cas had enjoyed that burger and his brother was selfless when it came to people he cared about, and he certainly cared about Cas. Sam smiled at him knowingly, promising himself he’d make sure his brother got his burger later.

“Go ahead Cas.” Sam smiled, and the tense man looked at Dean briefly and nodded his thanks.

Dean’s heart sunk a little. What was it with _him?_ Every time Dean spoke Cas tensed up. That’s why he was sat over here and not close to the bed with the others. Cas just seemed really uncomfortable in his presence.

“Do you want to play a game Cas?” Charlie asked. “Bet you are bored out of your mind in this place.”

“Charlie, I don’t think they have any games in hospitals.” Kevin frowned.

“Maybe they don’t, but I do!”

Charlie opened her rucksack and started pulling out boxes upon boxes of games, books, magazines and DVD’s.

“Jesus Charlie!” Sam scoffed.

“What?” She protested innocently. “I knew Cas would be bored.” She shrugged.

“Is your bag the Tardis or something?” Kevin chuckled.

“Huh, I wish, nearly broke my back carrying it all.”

“How many have you got?” Sam asked in disbelief.

“I’ve got the Jenga, Ludo, Monopoly, Harry Potter Diagon alley…”

“Hold up, there’s a Harry potter board game?” Kevin asked.

“Yes of course, there are several, this is the most fun and its pretty rare now actually. You get trunk cards, Diagon Alley cards, wizard coins… its very tactical, lots of scheming required, and you have to spend your coins wisely and you can cast spells…”

“Ok, ok, Charlie that sounds a little bit complicated for today.” Sam chuckled.

“But Cas liked Harry Potter, didn’t you Cas?” Charlie protested. Cas smiled and nodded but looked at Sam which told Charlie all she needed to know. “But its too complicated right?” Cas nodded. “Ok fine another day then.”

“Yeah, when we’ve got more time.” Sam promised.

“Cas, what do you want to play?” Kevin asked.

Cas shrugged looking at the board games.

“Well I don’t think monopoly is a good idea. We haven’t got the time for that either.” Kevin said simply.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Besides the last time we played that together it resulted in the Nair incident.” Charlie chuckled, and Sam practically growled while Dean stifled a grin.

Cas frowned in amusement, head tilted to one side in question.

“Ok so, Monopoly gets a bit competitive.” Charlie explained. “And well, last time we played, Sam got a hotel on Boardwalk, Dean landed on it and got bankrupted, so he lost the game.”

Dean huffed in annoyance.

“He didn’t take it very well.” Kevin chuckled.

“It started a prank war between the two of them that ended up with Dean putting Nair in Sam’s shampoo.”

Cas’ eyes went wide… he wasn’t sure whether to smile or gasp in shock. He settled for covering his mouth with his hand.

“I had to wear a beanie for months at college!” Sam growled.

Cas bit his lip as he tried not to smile considering how annoyed the memory made Sam.

“Oh, come on Sam, you can’t still be sour about that.” Dean scoffed.

“Dean, half my hair came out, it wasn’t funny!”

“Was too.”

“Was not!”

Cas bit back a chuckled and Dean looked at him with a smile. “See, Cas thinks it’s funny.”

Sam looked at Cas betrayed, but then smiled when he saw the boy was trying to hold back his smile.

“Go ahead, laugh it up.” Sam chuckled.

“It was funny Sam.” Kevin shrugged, joining in with a chuckle.

“You looked like a patchy mole rat.” Charlie giggled.

“Gee thanks.” Sam said in mock annoyance.

……………………………..

“Seems to be going well in there.” Gabriel smiled to himself as he saw Cas laughing with his friends. Thin and fragile or not, talking or not, his little brother really was beautiful when he smiled, and his eyes lit up to such an extent he imagined they could dazzle you if you looked too closely.

“Yeah. He’s getting better every day.” Balthazar smiled.

“I know. After everything, I never thought this would be possible Zar.”

“Neither did I brother. He’s not there yet, but, I think he’s going to be ok… if he ever speaks again that is.”

“He will, just give him time, this has all been an awful shock. Just a few days ago he wouldn’t even nod, now he’s smiling, laughing, communicating. He’ll get there.”

“I know. But he’s our baby brother I can’t help worrying.”

“Now you know what I felt like all these years dealing with you.” Gabriel chuckled.

“Yes, I suppose I do. I’m sorry I was so difficult brother.”

“You turned out ok in the end.” Gabriel shrugged.

“You think so?” Zar said uncertainly.

“I know so.” Gabriel smiled and patted him on the back. “I’m going to pop home for the day.” Gabriel told Balthazar. “I need to fill in the twins and get them ready to move down here.”

“I can hold the fort while you’re away. How long will you be gone?”

“I should be able to do it in a day. I’ll fly home this afternoon, stay the night and fly back in the morning.”

“If you need to stay home longer please do. You need a break brother.”

“I’ll rest when Cassie’s home.” Gabriel nodded. “I promise I’m ok, tired, but we have a lot of people helping us.”

“We do. We’re very lucky. Cas is very lucky.” Zar smiled.

…………………….

Jenga was decided on in the end. And almost as soon as they started Charlie cringed at what a bad idea it had been. Cas was enjoying himself and they gave him the first go, but as weak as he was his hand couldn’t stop shaking. They all gave him gentle encouragement, but as the tower got more and more precarious, Cas… Well actually Cas was doing absolutely fine. In fact, he was killing it. Shaking hands or not, he had the light touch and precision of a surgeon, which quickly painted Dean into a corner as he followed Cas’ turn and brought the tower crashing down, much to everyone’s amusement.

They were half way through setting up a second game when they realised Cas was spark out.

“Looks like we’ve worn him out.” Charlie said with a fond smile.

“Don’t take it personally, he sleeps a lot.” Zar said from the door and the others looked around.

“Should we go, let him rest?” Sam asked.

“No, don’t think he’d take well to you disappearing while he sleeps… Go get a drink or something and then you can say goodbye properly when he wakes up.”

Sam nodded. “You need to get something to eat too Balthazar.”

“Has that old man Bobby got you kids babysitting us?”

“Too right he has.” Dean chuckled.

“Right, fine I’ll come with.” Zar agreed.

“What if he wakes up while we’re gone?” Charlie asked.

“I’ll stay.” Dean smiled weakly. “Just bring me a coke or something.”

“OK Dean.”

…………………………..

The others had been gone around 5 minutes when Cas woke up. Dean wasn’t surprised, the position he’d fallen asleep in can’t have been comfy.

“Hey.” Dean said softly. The other’s just went for a drink, they’ll be back soon.”

Cas looked at Dean with big blue eyes, that were full of alarm.

“Are you ok?” Dean asked and Cas flinched, which made Dean back up. “Should I call someone or…” He said hesistantly.

Cas’ breathing started to get heavier. “They’ve not gone Cas, they’re just getting a drink.” Dean tried to reassure, but he had no idea what was wrong with the blue eyed man and it was starting to freak him out.

Cas started to curl in on himself, looked at Dean and then around the room with worried eyes. His knuckled were white from gripping the blanket he was slowly pulling towards himself.

“Cas what’s wrong?” Dean asked desperately. He took a step forward and Cas flinched again, shuddering and eyes going glassy. He hugged his knees, no longer registering anything in the room as he rocked gently backwards and forwards.

What was happening? Dean’s hand hovered over the call button, but that might spook Cas more… He ran out into the corridor, looking for someone to call.

“Balthazar!” Dean called as he spotted the others returning. The blond man had looked relaxed until he saw Dean’s urgent face and now he was running towards the room like a mad man.

“What is it, what’s wrong?” He demanded, rushing to Cas’ bedside. Cas didn’t flinch as his brother approached, but Dean didn’t dare take another step. The others looked in, worried faces turning in to choked and sad as they saw their friend in the throes of panic.

“I don’t know, he woke up and I just talked to him and he just…” Dean ran out of words.

“Cassie, can you hear me little bro.” Zar coaxed gently, but Castiel wasn’t there, not really. He just stared at the wall and kept rocking back and forth. “Ok.” Balthazar sighed as he wrapped his arms around his little brother and stroked his hair soothingly. “Not your fault Dean. I think you should probably all go home now though.”

“Yeah, yes of course.” Dean mumbled.

“We’re going to go now Cas. We’ll come and see you again soon.” Charlie smiled sadly.

“Bye Cas.” Kevin added sadly as they all turned and moved out of the room.

As the others went ahead to the car, Sam looked at his brother. Dean was a mess. He could almost see the thoughts swimming behind his brother’s eyes and he slipped an arm around his shoulders to offer some comfort.

“He’s going to be a bit up and down man.” Sam reasoned.

“Yeah but I think it was my fault, I mean it happened while I was in there.”

“Did you do anything Dean?” Sam asked with a little frown. Dean was acting weird and a bit guilty and it made Sam a little concerned. His brother wasn’t known for making great decisions, especially when he was upset.

“No man, I just sat in the chair and talked to him a bit and he just closed up, like I killed his dog or something.” Dean said sadly.

The sink in Dean’s shoulders and the sadness in his eyes were all Sam needed to know Dean wasn’t lying. He was a shocking actor after all.

“Something probably just triggered a memory Dean.” Sam sighed. “He’s been through some shit and we both know after Mum, that anything could set Dad off, even a smell.”

“Yeah I suppose.” Dean said, his posture still displaying his dejection.

“He’ll come back Dean, it’s just going to take time and its nothing to do with you, he kept getting randomly tense all afternoon.”

‘Yeah that was every time I came close.’ Dean thought but he didn’t say it. “Yeah sure thing Sammy.”

“For the last time it’s Sam.” Sam whined.

“Sure Sammy, Sure.”

“Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

……………………………

“Gabriel!” Two little voices shouted eagerly. “We haven’t seen you for ages!”

“Sorry Alfie.”

“Are you back now, from your business trip?” Anna asked.

“Well guys that’s what I have to talk to you about. Let’s go sit down.”

Anna frowned.

“It’s nothing bad I promise. Actually, it’s something quite good.”

They sat down in the living room, Gabriel laying out exhaustedly on the sofa.

“Gabriel, take your shoes off, this isn’t a pig sty.” Kali scolded lightly.

“Sorry dear.” Gabriel said mockingly.

Kali leaned in with a smile and gave him a long kiss.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered.

“Ewww. Gross.” Alfie squealed.

“Ok, ok. So…” Gabriel started, forcing himself to sit up. “The few weeks when I said I was on a business trip, I’m sorry but I lied to you.”

“Where were you?” Anna asked with a frown.

“I was in San Jose, looking for our brother, for Castiel.”

Alfie’s eyes lit up. “Did you find him? Please tell me you found him!”

“I did Alfie, me and Zar and some really nice people who knew him helped us and yes, we found him.”

“Is he coming here, is he going to live with us?” Alfie asked excitedly.

“Alfie, do you remember you both said Castiel was ill before he took you to the police station…” Gabriel said gently, and Alfie’s face fell instantly.

“Is he going to be ok?” Alfie asked worriedly.

“He is very ill at the moment, and he’s going to be in hospital for a little while, but the doctors think that he should be ok, it’s just going to take a long time for him to get better.”

Alfie nodded sadly. “Can we go and see him?” He asked hopefully.

“Well actually that’s something we wanted to talk to you about.” Kali joined in, sitting on Gabriel’s legs and forcing him to move them. “We know you miss your friends from school and we were wondering if you wanted to go back and live in San Jose.”

“We can move back. And then we can see Cas!” Alfie jumped up gleefully.

“Yes, but only if you both want to. Gabriel will have to go back tomorrow to look after Castiel, but I have found a house and we can all follow him up in a few days if that’s what you want.”

“Yes, yes I want to see Castiel! And go back to school with my friends and…”

Anna burst out into tears, cutting off her twin brother.

“Anna, honey, what’s the matter?” Kali asked tenderly.

“You have to talk to us Anna.” Gabriel coaxed when the little red head just buried her face in her hands and sobbed uncontrollably.

“I said some really mean things to him and I told him I hated him, that was the last thing I ever said to him and…” She gasped for air between sobs. “Castiel is going to hate me.” She wailed, and Gabriel wrapped her in his arms tightly, his heart tearing in two. “He won’t want to see me.”

“Anna, sweetheart, believe me when I tell you that Castiel could never hate you. Never. OK?” Gabriel rubbed circles into his little sisters back as he felt the shoulder of his shirt growing damp from tears.

Anna eventually nodded and looked up with sad eyes and tear stained cheeks, but she looked unconvinced by Gabriel’s words.

“He looked after us all that time and protected us and gave us his food… and then I got so angry at him when he said he was going to leave us and I don’t know why… How could I be so horrible and ungrateful?” She snivelled, her breath shaky and hysterical from too much crying.

“Anna, darling, how you felt, getting angry, it was perfectly understandable. Castiel didn’t want to leave you, but it was ok to be upset that your life was being turned upside down. I can’t imagine how that felt for you, for both of you.” Kali crooned.

“It wasn’t very nice.” Alfie said, sadly.

“Of course, it wasn’t kiddo.” Gabriel pulled Alfie closer and ruffled up his hair gently, embracing him in a one-armed hug.

“What if he doesn’t forgive me? What if he doesn’t want me to be his sister anymore?” Anna sniffled.

“Sweetheart, that will never, ever happen. I bet he’s desperate to see both of you.” Kali smiled.

“I know he is.” Gabriel added. “I will go back and talk to him tomorrow and then when he’s well enough, we’ll take you to see him. Whether you want to move back or not.”

“I want to move back.” Anna nodded. “I miss my friends too and I miss Castiel and I want to go and see him every day and tell him how sorry I am…”

“Then we can do that darling, ok? Now, I bet Uncle Gabriel is starving after his trip, so why don’t we go out for dinner?”

“Did someone say food?” Gabriel’s face lit up, animated and exaggerated for the twins benefit which received a little giggle from them both.

“Are you staying long Uncle Gabriel?” Alfie asked.

“I’m afraid I have to go back to see Castiel tomorrow, but you and Auntie Kali will be coming to San Jose very soon, so it won’t be long till you see me.”

“Can we not come with you tomorrow?” Anna asked.

“I’m afraid there are a few things to organise before we move you two, but I’ve nearly got everything finished and we will go as soon as I have finished.”

“Yey!” Alfie cheered.

“Ok you two, go wash your hands for dinner.”

…………………


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nice long brotherly chapter for you.  
> Sorry for any typos was a bit rushed on the proof read.

“How much longer will he be in here?” Zar asked, a little tiredly.

The two brothers were stood outside Cas’ room with the doctor while he read a book. It had been nearly a week since Cas had come out of surgery, just over two weeks since they had found him, frozen and barely breathing wrapped in cardboard on that icy morning. Despite the strange setback a few days ago when his friends had visited, it was hard to believe Cas was the same person they had found. He was getting better every day and Zar just wanted to get him out of here. He wanted to get him home.

“Honestly, given what your brother has been through, keeping him in until the new year would be the safest course of action, but when you take into account his mental state… I’m torn really. I’m not sure the hospital is the best place for him mentally and he has recovered remarkably well from the surgery considering.” Mick sighed. “If he were a normal patient, I would have sent him home 2 days ago.”

“So… why is he still here?” Gabriel asked confused.

“It’s his other conditions. The TB, his weight… they are risk factors that would be best monitored here. But the TB infection seems to be under control, the antibiotics are doing their work, but he’s not quite eating enough for my liking… that said, for the sake of his mental health I believe, you would be best taking him home in a few days and hopefully that will help his appetite as well.”

“Really?”

“Yes. But I would have to be confident there was a suitable care plan in place… your brother will need a lot of help.”

“My brother and I are moving to the area, we can take care of him 24/7.” Gabriel nodded eagerly.

“And I’ll be checking up on them Mick.” Jody smiled stepping closer. “Bobby’s made lunch Gabriel. Fancy popping back for half an hour and I’ll stay with your brother?”

“Ok.”

“I’ll draw up a care plan, a list of things you’ll need, and we’ll think about discharging him before the end of the week. I think being home for Christmas will be the best thing for him.” Mick smiled.

“Thank you. It would, it really would.” Gabriel smiled.

“Has he said anything yet?” Jody asked.

“No.” Gabe said sadly.

“He’s communicating though and that’s a good sign.” Jody countered. Cas had started to ask for things with a notepad the other day. Burgers from Ellen’s were nearly a daily request, which they were only too happy to provide, but Jody was compensating by making sure vegetables were also a big part of his diet.

“But Joshua said he was talking when hey last met… why did he just stop?”

“Gabriel Hunny, Cas has been alone for a long, long time, suddenly all of us turning up, having a family, its going to be one hell of a shock for him.”

“He’s probably questioning whether this is real.” Mick explained.

“Yeah I suppose.” Gabriel sighed.

“Let’s focus on the positives. He’ll be home for Christmas.” Mick offered.

“Let’s make a thing of this.” Jody smiled At Zar’s enthusiasm. “Get a Christmas tree, decorations up, make a real go of this… I doubt Cassie has had a real Christmas since we left, we need to do it like we used to at home, only without the Novak family drama.”

“I love your enthusiasm Balthazar… I really do, but maybe just back down a little, Castiel already has so much to deal with and get used to you don’t want to overwhelm him.” Jody warned.

“But its Christmas!” Zar protested.

“Yes, it is and I think having a family Christmas for Castiel is a brilliant idea, just keep it low key.”

“What do you say Gabriel?” Zar asked his brother eagerly.

“Yeah Sure, why not. I’ll start organising something.”

“Why don’t you leave that to us. You boys are going to have enough on your hands, what with the twins arriving, moving into the flat and bringing your brother home.”

“I couldn’t possibly…”

“You’re not asking, I’m offering.”

“Jody you’ve done too much already…”

“Look, the kids… and I have to stop calling them that since they are all grown up now, but they are desperate to help out, but they know that they need to give you space and they can’t go crowding Castiel while he is recovering. Letting them do some organising will at least make them feel useful, make us all feel useful.

“Well we really appreciate it.”

“We know, now go on and get fed before it goes cold.”

…………………………………….

“Hey Kiddo.” Gabriel smiled as he came into the room. Cas looked up from his book and offered them a smile and a wave, then looked at the bag Gabriel was holding with suspicion.

Before anything more could be said Zar came bursting into the room pushing a wheelchair and looking around nervously.

“Quick Gabriel, give him the clothes and let’s bust him out of here before the hot nurse gets off his phone call.”

Cas’ eyes widened as Gabriel got clothes out of the bag. And put them on the bed.

“Come on little bro, we’re breaking you out of here.” Gabriel grinned and Castiel looked at them both bemused.

Balthazar poked his head back out the door scanning the corridor and then came back in looking worried.

“The hot nurse finished his call and heading this way! Quick Cassie get dressed. I’ll flirt with him to distract him!”

“Are these boys winding you up again?” Jody tutted as she pushed Balthazar back into the room and saw the perplexed look on Cas’ face. He shrugged and tilted his head to the side before pulling out his notepad and pen which he’d been using to communicate for a while now.

 _Am I not going home?_ He wrote, looking a little sad.

“Yes, sweetie you are, but only because the doctor said you can and not because these two loons are breaking you out.” She smiled, and Cas’ face lit up for a moment, before he looked down again.

“What’s wrong Cas?” Gabriel asked gently, sitting next to him on the bed and putting an arm round his brother’s shoulders. He shrugged vaguely and turned his head away. “No come on bro, tell us.”

He picked up the pad again nervously. _I don’t have a home._

Jody face palmed and shook her head at the two brothers. “You didn’t tell him?” She asked in disbelief.

“You didn’t tell him.” Gabriel turned to Balthazar.

“You said you were going to tell him.”

“No, you said you’d explain things to him when I went back to see Kali.” Gabriel protested.

“No… I, yes I remember I did now, but Cassie had a bad day that day and it slipped my mind.” Zar recalled guilty.

 _Tell me what?_ Cas wrote looking unamused.

“We’re going to look after you Cassie.” Zar smiled. “Gabriel and I.”

“My wife Kali, she bought a house here in San Jose and Zar and you are going to live in it, if you want.”

 _What about You & Kali? _Cas wrote, looking concerned.

“Right well, you see Kali and I, we adopted Anna and Alfie, so Kali and me are also renting a house two doors down from the house you will live.”

Cas’ face lit up at mention of the twins.

“That’s right Honey, the twins are moving back here, and they’ll be just two doors away from you.”

“I’m going to live with you and Zar until you are feeling better, and then I’ll move back in with the twins and Kali to give you more room.”

Gabriel and Zar were suddenly snatched by Cas and pulled in for a hug, happy tears rolled down his cheeks when he finally let go.

_Can I see Alfie and Anna?_

“Of course, you can Cas. They’re still in LA at the moment, but Kali is flying back with them in a few days, by which time hopefully you’ll be settled at home and we’ll all be together just in time for Christmas.” Gabriel smiled.

“I helped your brothers pick out some clothes for you, I’m a pretty good judge of size, but they’re pretty plain. I’m sure they’ll take you shopping to get something you like soon.”

“But in the meantime, Mr. Novak.” Mick said cheerfully, entering the room. “Let’s give you one last look over and then finish up your discharge papers. Time to get you out of here.”

…………………………….

“Welcome home baby bro.”

_I’m not a baby._

“I know Cassie. I know.” Gabriel sighed, ruffling his little brother’s hair as he wheeled Cas inside in the wheelchair. Cas walked well, but couldn’t get far. He was still adjusting to the loss of lung capacity and muscle from his months of poor eating. They’d sent him home with the chair to make things easier as he recovered. Cas had been grumpy all the way home because of it, but now his eyes were lit up as he looked around the place in awe. The house was a palace.

It had looked large, but fairly modest from the outside, but inside were light and airy open spaces, hardwood floors with large square rigs, white walls and ceilings with pretty landscape hung in frames. It was also fully furnished already and looking at the décor, he had no doubt it was Kali’s taste rather than Gabriel’s. He remembered well enough that Gabriel had appalling fashion sense and he had no doubt that extended to his interior decorating.

The place was huge and beautiful…

 _How much did it cost?_ Cas wrote down nervously.

“No, we’re not doing that Cas. You don’t have to pay for anything.” Gabriel started sternly, kneeling in front of Cas to be at eye level. “I want to make it clear right now that you don’t have to earn anything or repay us, we love you and you’ve been through hell and it’s time someone looked after you. There’s no time limit, no ultimatums, all we want is for you to get better and live a goddamn happy life that you should have had right from the start.” Gabriel hugged him tight, tears of sorrow and regret rolling down his cheeks. Cas hugged him back hard.

“OK boys stop it or you’re going to make me cry.” Zar sniffled, joining in the hug briefly before pulling away. “Right now, food… I bet you’re hungry Cas, so why don’t we let Gabriel give you the tour and I’ll get started on dinner.”

And it was one hell of a tour for Cas.

The downstairs was largely open plan. On the right, inside the front door, was a living room with a big, white leather corner sofa and two matching chairs with a small round glass coffee table in the centre. But the window was huge, taking up nearly the entire wall and looking out into the street. There was a beautiful cherry tree right outside and a large front lawn that wasn’t fenced off making it feel open and unrestricted. To the left of the front door was the dining room, furnished with an incredibly expensive looking, well built dining table, which matched the floor almost perfectly. It too had a window and a modern chandelier which hung over the centre of the table that Cas was particularly taken with. He stared at it in awe for a few minutes until Gabriel wheeled him into the next part of the house.

The staircase came down into the dining room, opposite the front door. Cas’ smile broadened dramatically as he was wheeled into the kitchen. The cooking facilities themselves weren’t that large, but they were beautiful. Varnished wood units with dark marble worktops and then Velux doors at one end, leading out onto a multi layered decking outside. The breakfast bar was bordered off by a banister and the floor of the kitchen dropped down three steps to another small living area, which again had huge Velux doors out to the garden.

Gabriel swiftly lifted the wheelchair down into the lower part of the room, so he could wheel Cas out into the garden at ground level. Balthazar just watched on from the kitchen window with a broad smiled as his little brother’s face lit up hen he saw what as outside.

Cas’ eyes went straight past the large swimming pool, the beautiful decking and even the large lawn and straight to the huge, old oak tree at the bottom of the garden. It was stunning. The whole garden was so well tended to, Cas knew that the last owners must have taken great pride in it. Even in December the plants were blooming.

“Woah there, Cowboy.” Gabriel said as Cas stood up out of the wheelchair. “Doc said not to overdo it while your lungs are healing.” He warned, trying to Cas to get to sit back down but Cas just swatted him away and walked tentatively over towards the beautiful old tree, marvelling at the colourful flower beds as he went, and Gabriel hovered closely.

“Cas…” Gabriel started as Cas pushed a little into the undergrowth, moving off the stable footing of the lawn and into the flowerbeds, searching for the trunk of the tree. There was a banging at the window of the house which made them both turn.

“Let the poor boy breathe Gabriel, nothing’s going to happen to him just because you move more than an inch away from him!” Balthazar called from the kitchen, where he was half leant out the now open kitchen window.

Cas didn’t listen to the retort Gabriel through back, nor the resounding good natured argument that followed across the garden. He wandered deeper into the outside, brushing a hand against the trunk of the tree as he took in the sweet aroma of the flowers and the freshly cut grass. Then he heard a buzz in the undergrowth. He wandered closer to find three or four bees happily floating in and out of a bush of bright yellow flowers, moving from petal to petal.

This was his home now… and he couldn’t believe it. If heaven was real, he’d found it. Maybe he had died in that street in the cold after all, maybe this was just what came next. It didn’t matter either way. He was happy.

……………………….

Gabriel turned around to get a glance at his brother while he continued to argue with Balthazar about the fact that ‘Yes the doctor had said Cas could go home, but he _was_ still ill and needed to take it easy and he didn’t want to have any setbacks that would have their little brother back in hospital!’

“Shit!” Gabriel exclaimed.

“What?” Zar asked, rolling his eyes.

“Where is he?” Gabriel looked around frantically, Cas was nowhere to be seen. “Cas!”

“Gabriel, Gabriel calm down!” Zar implored. He took the pan off the stove and rushed out into the garden. “He’ll have just gone a bit deeper to go see the tree.” He sighed as Gabriel started rushing towards the undergrowth.

“Cas!” Gabriel cried in relief when he saw Cas sat in the dirt looking up into the branches of the tree with a smile on his face. “Please don’t run off like that.”

Cas gave Gabriel a perplexed look that said ‘I hardly ran off, its not my fault you weren’t paying attention’ which had Balthazar laughing as he followed Castiel’s gaze into the tree.

“Oh, look Gabe, there’s a beehive.” Zar smiled.

“Damn it, I didn’t notice that, I should have had it taken out.” Then something hit him hard in the head and made him stagger back. “Ow!” He proclaimed angrily as he looked down to see a rather hefty twig had been thrown at him by Cas, who was now scowling at him from the floor. “What? What did I do to deserve that?”

Cas folded his arms whilst Balthazar just chuckled.

“I don’t think our little Cassie wants the bees up there disturbed.”

“Ok, fine.” Gabriel held up his hands. “The bees can stay. Jesus. Warn me next time now I’m going to have a headache all day.” Gabriel grumbled good-heartedly.

“Now come on you two, food’s nearly ready and it’ll be getting dark soon.” Zar beckoned, offering his little brother a hand to his feet. Cas took it and although it took a few attempts and clearly a lot of effort, he managed to get standing from the floor with very little input from his brothers, though by the time he made it half way across the lawn he was struggling.

“Tired Cas?” Zar asked gently and the raven-haired man nodded dejectedly.

“Hey, nothing to be ashamed about.” Gabriel smiled. “It’s been an emotional day and you’ve done a lot.” Gabriel said as he wheeled over the chair and helped Cas get settled into it. “We can spend more time in the garden tommorow.” And that had Cas grinning.

Cas could barely keep his eyes open long enough to eat his food and then he had another big decision. Which of the 5 huge, beautiful bedrooms did he want? His instinct was to go for the smallest, but to be honest, none of them really were the smallest. There was one much larger and much grander than the others, but he just didn’t quite like it. It didn’t feel right.

It took a while to make a decision. He wasn’t used to having a choice and he wasn’t sure he liked it. It was much easier when people told you what to do. What if the bedroom he like the best was one which Gabriel or Zar also wanted? How was he to know?

Eventually he just listened to his gut and picked. His brothers left him alone to change and then cam to check he’d be alright.

“We’ll be just next door. You want anything, just bang on the wall or come get us, whatever works.”

“Doesn’t matter how late or early, we don’t mind being woken up.”

Cas nodded, pulling the duvet up closer to his chin, looking a little nervous.

“You ok?” Gabriel asked.

Cas nodded hesitantly, yawning.

“Ok, we’ll let you get some rest.”

The light flicked off, the door closed and Cas was left alone.

……………………………………………..

“Interesting choice.” Gabriel said as he helped Zar with the washing up downstairs.

“What do you mean?”

“Cas’ bedroom. Furthest from the stairs, furthest from the door, bed facing the door, window out onto the garden…”

“Safety.” Zar sighed.

“I don’t think it was a conscious choice, but subconsciously, yeah I think so.”

“I hoped he’d feel safe here.” Zar said sadly.

“You saw his face Zar, he loved it.” Gabriel chuckled. “It not that he doesn’t feel safe here I don’t think, its more that he’s going to have to learn to feel safe again.”

“And I hate that.” Zar grunted. “He’s 21 he shouldn’t be so…”

“I know.” Gabriel said sadly. “Bu focus on the positive. He’s getting better, he’s safe here and we’re going to look after him.”

“Damn right we are.” Zar grumbled. “Never letting him out of my sight again.”

Gabriel threw a dish cloth at him. “And who was giving me a lecture on letting him breathe earlier.

“Yeah, Yeah get it.” Zar chuckled. “Early night?”

“Absolutely.” I’m wiped.

“Should we check on Cas?”

“Give him his space. He’ll be ok.”

……………………….

Gabriel was up early the next morning. He couldn’t sleep of course. He very quietly popped his head into Cas’ room to see how his little brother was doing on his first night.

But Cas wasn’t there… the bed was empty. He opened the door suddenly, looking around in fright until he saw the mop of raven hair sticking up from the other side of the bed.

Cas was sat on the floor, staring out of the window into the garden, but his head whipped round looking at his brother in fright at the intrusion.

“Oh, thank fuck Cassie, what are you doing down there.” Gabriel sighed, rubbing his face and flopping down next to his brother. It was 6:30 in the morning and the sky outside was just starting to turn from black to midnight blue signalling the start of the morning twilight.

“You ok?” Gabriel asked, and Cas nodded, but his pale skin and the bags under his eyes told a different story. Gabriel wagered his brother hadn’t slept a second. “You couldn’t sleep?”

Cas shrugged sadly, looking torn between admitting it and hurting his brother, or saying he’d been fine but having to tell a lie to do so.

“Its ok you know Cas, you can come get us if you can’t sleep, we’d never mind ok? In fact, it would make us feel better if you came to get us ok?”

Cas nodded slowly looking back out into the garden and shivering. Gabriel pulled the duvet off the bed without asking and wrapped it round Castiel, who leant into Gabriel’s shoulder gratefully. Gabriel couldn’t stand the thought of his brother being cold, it just brought back the memories of him lying there in that street, frozen to the core…

They just sat there in silence for a while. Gabriel carding his finger’s through Cas’ hair as they watched the day slowly dawn and the sun start its daily journey across the sky, from east to west. Before long Cas was fast asleep on his brother’s shoulder and Gabriel sighed in relief. Sleep deprivation was the last thing they needed adding to Cas’ problems.

Eventually the creaks and rustles of Balthazar waking at about 9:30 roused Castiel from his sleep and his rubbed his eyes lethargically.

“Hungry?” Gabriel asked with a smile as he smoothed his brother’s messy hair fondly.

Cas yawned and nodded.

“Get yourself dressed I’ll go make sure sleeping beauty is awake.” Gabriel chuckled.

Sleeping beauty was already hovering outside the door when Gabriel slipped out, looking in curiously.

“Everything ok?” He asked, and Gabriel beckoned him away from the door.

“He didn’t sleep at all last night.” Gabriel sighed. “He was sat on the floor this morning looking out of the window. He slept an hour or two while I sat with him, but not much.”

Zar sighed. “Well, we can’t expect miracles. He hungry?”

“Yes, will you help him downstairs if I get going on the pancakes?”

“Sure, but Gabriel? Did you sleep?”

Gabriel shook his head apologetically. “No, I couldn’t.”

Zar sighed. “Please be careful Gabriel, I worry.”

“I know.”

“I know how you are feeling. I must have spent three hours listening out for any noises before I trusted myself enough to let myself sleep. If you are going to worry like this though, when you are only next door, maybe we should get a baby monitor for your peace of mind.”

“Cassie would love that.”

“He’s happily have it if he knew it would stop you worrying.”

“Yeah, that boy is far too caring for his own good. Always was.”

“Think about it. I’ll go see if Cassie’s ready.”

……………………………………….

Gabriel made far too many pancakes for breakfast. But Cas actually ate quite a lot, much to his brothers’ delight.

Cas pottered from the breakfast bar in the kitchen carefully down the steps into the garden room, settling on the floor right up against the glass.

“Do you think someone’s trying to give us a hint?” Zar chuckled and Cas looked at them with a suggestive smile.

“Ok Cas, I’ll go get the chair.”

Cas scowled.

“Chair, or no garden.”

Cas huffed and conceded.

“Oh, by the way Cas I got you something.”

“Hey, don’t go upstaging me by giving him presents when I haven’t got him one!” Zar protested.

“Aww Balthazar’s poor fragile ego.” Gabriel mocked and handed Cas over a very small rectangular parcel. “It’s nothing exciting, just thought it would be a bit more practical for you.” Gabriel smiled and watched as Castiel very carefully unwrapped the parcel, without tearing the paper.

Inside was a small whiteboard, box of marker pens and a drywipe eraser. Cas’ face lit up.

“Just thought it would be less heavy on the trees while your voice is on holiday. I got a case as well, so you can carry it round easily.”

Cas opened his arms wide and Gabriel gladly went into the hug. Once he let go he quickly pulled a pen out of the box and started scribbling on the whiteboard.

‘Thank you, it’s perfect.’

“Great, now I feel like a rubbish big brother next to Mr. thoughtful here.” Zar rolled his eyes but Cas shook his head furiously.

‘You’re a great big brother.’

“Aww, now I need a hug.” Zar said with a smile and slid across the kitchen floor to wrap Cas in his arms and spin him around.

“Zar be careful.”

“If you get to be the good big brother, I get to be the cool one.” He protested as he put down Cas who was smiling from ear to ear.

“If you want to be the good big brother, Sam asked Bobby to text me. He, Charlie and Kevin want to take Cas round the park when he feels up to it. It’s just across the street. Do you fancy that Cas?”

‘Yes, can they go today?’

“I’ll ask.” Gabriel smiled typing away and his phone pinged very soon after. “Looks like that’s a yes, they can come round at 2pm. I have an errand to run, so maybe the fun big brother can take you.”

“Hell yeah.” Zar smiled. “But first… intrepid explorer Castiel and his plucky sidekick Balthazar are off to explore the depths of the amazon rain forest…”

Cas thwacked Zar with said whiteboard and Gabriel chuckled as he held it up to read ‘I’m not 5 years old.’

“Ok Mr. ‘I went to Stanford’ lets go walk round the garden.”

“In the wheelchair!”

“Fine, lets go pretend to wheel round the garden until he can’t see us.” Zar sniggered and Cas chuckled quietly, his face spreading into a smile. The pair looked at him in shock for a second. That was the first proper noise Cas had made since they found him.

Maybe things were looking up.

……………………

Cas had, had a great time in the park with the others. Zar had worried his sudden bout of communication via the medium of whiteboard wouldn’t extend to his friend’s, but it had. He been happily writing away throughout the afternoon, including making a few jokes which quite frankly blew Balthazar away. But he still wasn’t talking. Laughing, yes, but not talking.

Zar had to admit, Cas’ friends were great with him. Tehre was no older Winchester today as he was working apparently, but the others just behaved perfectly normally around him, ignoring the muteness and the wheelchair and the 3 years they’d been apart. And Cas looked like Cas again, like the Cas Zar remembered from so long ago.

When they got back Cas’d been smiling so much his face hurt and he kept rubbing it much to Zar’s amusement. Gabriel had finished whatever ‘errands’ he’d been running, and looked just as exhausted as Cas felt.

“Movie night food is here!” Zar exclaimed as there was a knock on the door, when Cas and Gabriel were snuggled up on the sofa. He paid the delivery man and brought in a great stack of Pizza.

“Really Zar?” Gabriel sighed. “We’re both wiped. We don’t all have boundless energy like you.”

“It’s only 5pm! And I can’t eat this pizza by myself.” Zar protested.

“Yes, you can and you know it.” Gabriel scoffed.

“Fine, but point stands you pair of lightweights. Cas gets to choose.”

‘I don’t know many movies.’

“Doesn’t matter. We’ll watch anything.” Zar said, handing Cas the remote and letting him scroll through the sky store. “Besides, we need to get you caught up with everything you’ve missed.”

Cas hovered over Harry Potter for while, but seemed to decide against it and then eventually settled on Iron Man 2.

“Iron man hey?” Gabriel yawned. “Why that one Cas?”

‘It’s the last film we all saw together.’ He wrote.

Zar smiled in amazement. “You remember that?”

Cas nodded firmly. ‘You were really annoying.’ He pointed at Gabriel.

“I was no such thing.” Gabriel said in shock. “What did I do that time, I can’t actually remember.” He chuckled.

‘No popcorn sign and water pistol in the theatre.’

“Oh yeah… that was a good day.” Gabriel chuckled.

“Did you ever get to see the first Iron Man Cas?” Zar asked, frowning as he tried to remember.

Cas shook his head.

“Well, maybe we should watch that one first?” Zar said, taking the remote and locating the first film.

“Balthazar… maybe that’s not such a good idea.” Gabriel warned gently.

“Why?”

“The beginning… it isn’t very nice.”

“What are you… oh yeah, I see.”

Cas huffed and snatched the box off Zar, clicking a few times and pressing play on Iron Man 1.

“Ok, he’s decided!” Zar

“Are you sure Castiel?”

‘It’s a movie. It’s fine.’ Cas rolled his eyes.

“Ok, just you know, stop it if it gets too much.”

Cas nodded to say ‘I will’ before turning his attention back to the screen.

Turns out it didn’t upset Cas at all. Although he didn’t exactly seem comfortable for the scenes in the cave, overall, he really enjoyed the movie and was snuggled contentedly into Gabriel by the end.

‘Can we watch the second one now?’ He wrote as the post credits scene finished.

Gabriel glanced at the clock. It was only 7:30. “Sure, why not?” He smiled and set the next film going. But Cas was fast asleep on Gabriel’s shoulder with his feet on Balthazar’s lap by the time the Monaco scene started and not long after Gabriel was spark out too.

It was 10:30 when Cas woke up and he was very sleepy as they got him up the stairs to bed. ‘He should sleep well tonight at least’ Gabriel thought to himself.

And just like the night before he said goodnight, turned off the light, closing the door and leaving Castiel alone and in peace.

……………………


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok Guys. I know its been a while and very sorry for the wait. Its going to be a difficult few chapters to write from an author's perspective because I have a clear plan from chapters 15 onwards but a bit of a gap in my plan on how to get there. I am also starting my final year of university which means work, work and more work, so I will write when I can I just have to prioritise.  
> You never need to fear that this story will be abandoned, it won't, it just make take a while to get across that finish line.
> 
> Nice long chapter for you and some good progress I hope to make it worth the wait.

It was 4am the last Balthazar checked on Castiel. Each time his little brother had been in the same place and that wasn’t on the bed. It was on the floor again, looking out into the garden, much like Gabriel said he’d found him the night before. Balthazar had tried to be quiet, but he was hardly silent. Regardless Cas hadn’t seemed to notice him. He looked like he was somewhere else, somewhere peaceful and for that reason only he decided to leave him alone. He couldn’t imagine dreams were a nice place for Cas to be right now and that thought pained him more than he knew how to cope with.

So, for the 5th time that night, he backed away and slowly pulled the door closed.

“Zar.” Balthazar looked up to see Gabriel was stood out in the corridor, his bedroom door open a crack. “Go back to bed Zar, he’ll be ok.”

“I’ll sleep when he sleeps.” Zar sighed, glancing back to Cas’ bedroom door.

Gabriel frowned. “But he was so tired I thought…”

“Yeah, so did I.” Zar smiled sadly.

“Leave him be for now. Get some rest.”

“Shouldn’t we ask him? Why he won’t sleep on a night?”

“Maybe later. But this is a lot for him to deal with right now, give him some time. He’ll talk to us when he’s ready.”

“Sure ok.” Zar said wearily.

……………………………………….

Cas came down for breakfast by himself. It was a pleasant surprise, but a less pleasant one was the grey to his complexion and the deep bags under his eyes.

“Hey baby bro, how you doing?” Balthazar asked fondly.

 _‘I’m fine thank you.’_ He scribbled on the whiteboard.

“What can I get you for breakfast?”

 _‘It’s ok I’ll get my own.’_ Cas wrote, moving towards the cupboards, apparently on the hunt for cereal.

“You don’t have to you know…”

 _‘I know, but I’d like to if that’s ok?_ ’ Cas wrote with a silent smile.

“Of course. The one to your left.” Zar guided him to the cereal cupboard as a response and Gabriel chose that moment to make his appearance.

Gabriel was not a morning person. Never had been never would be and he was even less of a morning person when he hadn’t got any sleep in the first place. Still, seeing his little brother, up and about and looking… almost content was enough to brighten his mood. He flew behind Castiel, giving him a tentative hair ruffle in a way the boy could see him coming and have a chance to reject the touch if he wanted to, whilst on his way to the coffee pot. Thankfully the touch was welcomed and for a second Cas took his eyes away from the cupboard and offered his eldest brother a smile.

As the life-giving coffee pot finally bubbled after what seemed like an entirety of waiting, Gabriel smiled and poured himself cup, turning back to the room as he inhaled the rich scent

“Going to keep staring at the cereal or you going to pick one?” Zar teased lightly. Castiel seemingly, had not taken his attention off the numerous options in front of him and took another minute still, before he selected a box and held it to his chest hopefully.

“My sacred Lucky Charms!” Gabriel said in mock horror, but then soon cut it out when he saw the disappointment on his brother’s face. Castiel put the box down on the counter and turned back to the cupboard to make another choice.

“Gabriel you ass.” Zar growled and Gabriel rushed back to Castiel’s side.

“I’m sorry Cassie, I was just kidding. This is your home, anything that’s ours is yours, you don’t need to ask permission for anything, but if you want anything, we don’t have please just ask us.”

Gabriel handed Castiel back the box of lucky charms and pointed out the fridge where Cas helped himself to a carton of milk. Castiel still looked unsure of himself as he sat down at the table, pouring himself barely a ¼ of a bowl of lucky charms before adding his milk. God, why did he have to open his big fat mouth? Gabriel cursed himself. If it was physically possible, he’d have kicked himself so hard in the ass that he’d have landed in Timbuktu for making his little brother feel uncomfortable. Zar seemed to be sharing the same sentiment as he continued to receive a withering glare from the blond at the other side of the room.

Gabriel sighed and slid into the chair next to Castiel. As his brother looked up at him, pausing in his eating Gabriel poured extra into Castiel’s bowl and topped up his milk casually, before filling his own cereal bowl.

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day Cassie.” He explained with a smile. “No worries if you can’t eat it all though.”

“Yes, quite.” Balthazar agreed. “Gabriel eats any leftovers, no matter if they’re several days old.” Balthazar scoffed. “It’s disgusting.”

“Hey, waste not want not.” Gabriel shrugged.

Cas smiled between mouthfuls, but it didn’t reach his eyes. There was something there, something unreadable that made Gabriel and Balthazar’s hearts sink. Just like that, the morning had turned a bit sour. Castiel was no longer as light and content as he had been and no amount of silly idle chatter that Balthazar and Gabriel threw round the room in vain attempts to raise a genuine smile from their brother seemed to help. Though Castiel, at least, seemed relaxed in their company. That was something, they supposed.

After washing up his own bowl, Castiel sat back down with his brother’s at the table and began to write something on his board.

 _‘What date is it?’_ Castiel asked.

“OMG!” Gabriel exclaimed, his mouth full of part of the contents of his second bowl of lucky charms. “We need to get you an advent calendar!”

“Gosh Yes we really do!” Balthazar agreed. “It’s December 18th Castiel. It’s Christmas a week today!”

Castiel’s eyes widened in an unreadable expression. Whether it was good shock or bad shock was impossible to discern, but Castiel simply nodded and then looked around uncertainly.

“Still hungry?” Balthazar asked. “I can get you anything else you want, no trouble.”

Castiel shook his head gratefully.

“Sure? Pancakes, waffles, eggs, bacon, a full fry up, oatmeal…

“Euukkk you can’t feed him oatmeal.”

“Shut up Gabe… French toast, fruit, croissants…”

Cas held up a hand to silence his brothers and then held up his whiteboard. ‘ _I’m fine, honest. I’m full. I might like some French toast later though, if that’s ok?’_

“Of course, I remember it always used to be your favourite.” Zar smiled. Cas looked a little shocked at that revelation, but definitely good shocked, as if he couldn’t believe his brother rememebered such a trivial detail from all those years ago.

“There’s something I want to talk to you about this morning count, if you don’t mind.” Gabriel said a little more seriously, with a pointed look at Balthazar.

“Now?” Zar asked, disbelievingly.

“I want Castiel to have a little time for it to sink in, if he thinks he’s ready to hear it?” Gabriel asked, rather than stated, looking at his brother. Castiel may not be able to speak, but that didn’t mean they could talk like he wasn’t in the room. Gabriel wasn’t about to take anymore of Castiel’s choices away from him.

Castiel tilted his head to one side, intrigued and nodded at Gabriel to continue.

“You know that my Wife, Kali, and I have been looking after the twins?”

Cas nodded, his face flickered slightly. A frown melted onto his brow and Gabriel took this as a note to proceed with caution.

“Well he twins wanted to come back to their old school and to see you.” Gabriel started, testing the water. “They’ve missed you a lot.” He smiled. “Now you don’t have to see them until you are ready, but I would like you to meet Kali tonight, if you think you are up to it?”

Cas’ brow furrowed in consideration.

“She and the twins are flying here this evening, it will be late when they land so I’ll be sending the twins straight to bed. Either way, you don’t have to decide now and you can change your mind at any point.” He offered hopefully.

 _‘I think that would be ok.’_ Cas wrote, with a nod, then quickly turned the board back to himself and added; ‘ _I would like to meet her very much. If she can put up with you, she must be an amazing woman.’_

_Zar ungraciously spat out a mouthful of croissant all across the table as he tried to choke back his laughter._

Gabriel broke out in a grin and a chuckle of his own, seemingly ignoring Balthazar’s outburst. “That’s great and yes, she is Cassie, she really is. So, what do you want to do today?”

 _‘Garden.’_ Cas held his board up without hesitation.

“Course you do.” Zar chuckled, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. When did his little brother get so funny?

…………………………..

It was 5 days till Christmas.

Gabriel had rushed out and bought them each an advent calendar as soon as they’d realised Cas needed one. In fact, he’d actually bought Cas 2 since they were on a 4 for 3 offer, but Cas had told them he had no need for so much chocolate, leaving Gabriel and Zar to arm wrestle for the extra calendar. Gabe had won, much to Castiel’s surprise (and his own if he was honest) and proceeded to eat both in their entirety and whined the following day when Zar refused to share any of his with his ‘greedy candy stealing pig of a brother.’

Cas had calculated he could catch up with his own advent calendar if he opened three doors every day, and four on Christmas day itself, which had earned him a ‘nerd’ from both his brothers. But it turned out Castiel had no intention of eating three chocolates by himself each day. The brother’s each found one floating in their cereal on a morning, one for Castiel, one for Zar and one for Gabriel and who were they to turn down their sweet brother’s generosity? Besides, Gabriel had spent a combined $150 dollars on those advent calendars, something which he didn’t think Castiel or Kali would approve of, but what they didn’t know…

Speaking of which, Cas’ meeting with Kali had gone really well. Cas had been nervous at first of course, hiding behind Zar as inconspicuously as he could manage, but after the initial uncertainty Castiel had really warmed up to Kali. Gabriel was quite frankly astounded. Kali was a fierce woman. He’d known that when they’d first met and well, it was half of what attracted him to her in the first place, but she also had a soft maternal side which had sealed the deal and had him head over heels in love with her. It had been shining through more and more often since they’d taken in the twins, but he’d never seen it so prominent in her than when she’d been with Cas.

It was incredible, beautiful even. She had him smiling all the way to his eyes, several times that night. She almost seemed to be able to read his mind, grabbing him drinks when he was thirsty, food when he was hungry and picking out a few movies that he really seemed to enjoy.

“How do you do that?” He’d asked her, astounded, as she’d come into the kitchen, leaving Cas snuggled up and dozing on the couch with Balthazar as the end credits for How to train your dragon rolled across the flat screen.

“You boys never had a loving Mother or Father to learn from.” She’d said, sadly. “My own Mother was an angel. We were so very close, and she died when I was very young. I see a lot of myself in your brother… in the way I was after I lost her. When she was gone, I lost that part of myself that I got from her, or I thought I had. You, the twins, Castiel… they have brought it back to me and in doing so, brought her back to me in a way.” She smiled fondly. “Every child needs their mother, Castiel may no longer be a child in that sense, but you’re never too old to need that sort of help and comfort, especially with what he has suffered.”

Gabriel sighed sadly. “You’re right. Thank you for being so amazing with him. Do you think you could teach me how to help him like you do?”

“No.” Kali said, and Gabriel looked down sadly. “I didn’t mean it like that.” She told him firmly. “What I mean is, yes, every child needs their Mother and Father, especially after what your brother has been through, but you and Zar can’t be that for him, not because you are not capable, but because you are his brothers. He needs you for who you are, just as much, but in a different way. You are both doing a great job in a very difficult situation.”

“Thank you Honey.”

“I mean every word Gabriel.” She smiled. “But must look after yourself as well you know that.”

“I promise I will.” He nodded.

“I know you will, because I’ll be watching you like a Hawk.” She promised sternly.

……………………………….

With 3 days to go until Christmas Cas seemed quite settled. His friends and the twins were dying to see him, so he’d been informed repeatedly, and Gabriel and Zar were about ready to approach him with the subject. Kali and the twins were now fully moved in a few doors down, everything was going remarkable well, apart from one small thing…

Every morning when Cas came down stairs, he looked more tired than when he’d gone to bed, his skin pale, his eyes dark and always stifling a yawn. Every time Zar and Gabriel checked on him through the night they found him there, sat on the floor, staring out the window, not even attempting to sleep and quite frankly they didn’t know what to do about it. They’d asked of course, four days of poor sleep was not going to help their brother recover, but the only explanation they’d received was a shrug and an ‘I’m fine’ scrawled on the whiteboard. They were worried. What Cas did do however, was catch up on his missing hours by napping during the day. Any time they were together, reading, watching a movie, curled up on the couch, Castiel would nod off. Gabriel didn’t think Cas had actually made it more than 15minutes into a movie all week before he’d inevitably drifted off.

The subject had been graced that evening oh so tactfully, by Balthazar of course, as he Gabriel and Kali were settled together on the sofa. Cas was fast asleep on Zar’s shoulder as the conscious adults disinterestedly watched Shrek, which had been put on for the sleeping Man’s benefit.

“Do you think out brother has become nocturnal?” Balthazar blurted out gesturing with his free arm at the sleeping ball of raven hair. “I mean he sits up all night for no good reason and here he is cat napping the day away!” He sighed in exasperation.

“Shh, don’t wake him up.” Gabriel hissed.

“He’s dead to the world Gabe.” Balthazar rolled his eyes.

“I don’t care Zar, we asked him about it and he doesn’t want to talk, we have to respect that. I don’t want him to lose trust in us by waking up and hearing us talking about him behind his back.”

“I’m allowed to be concerned Gabriel. This isn’t normal.” Balthazar protested.

“You think I’m not concerned?” Gabriel hissed back, trying to bring the level of volume back down to a whisper.

“Will you boys just stop it.” Kali sighed. “I think it’s fairly obvious why Castiel won’t sleep on a night.” She stated with a shake of her head.

“Nightmares?” Zar supplied, unconfidently.

“No.” Kali rolled her eyes. “Well maybe to an extent, but not primarily. If it was nightmares, why would he sleep during the day? Yes, they are called ‘night’mares, but that doesn’t restrict them to after dark.” Kali asked and neither Gabriel or Zar had a good response to that.

“I don’t follow.”

“He’ll only sleep when he’s next to one, or both of you.” She stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “He’ll doze next to me, but never let himself fully drift off. He hasn’t known me long and he doesn’t trust me yet. Sleep is when you’re at your most vulnerable and he trusts his big brothers to keep him safe. He won’t sleep without you there, dumbass.”

Gabriel and Balthazar looked shocked.

“Really?” Zar asked, looking a little proud and honoured.

“Well I’m not 100% but maybe try talking to him about it. He’s probably just to embarrassed to ask for what he needs right now, he’s not used to people actually wanting to help him.”

“Huh.” Gabriel said, mystified.

“With that, I am going to pick up the twins from Bobby’s before they drive the poor man insane.” Kali announced, getting to her feet. “Talk to your brother when he wakes up and also ask him if he wants to see the twins tommorow. It would be nice if we could all spend Christmas together, but we don’t want to overwhelm him.”

……………………………..

They sat there for an hour in silence after Kali left, the evening drawing later as Cas continued to sleep peacefully on Balthazar’s shoulder.

“So… what do we do?” Zar asked finally, not able to take another moment of Eddie Murphy’s talking donkey playing on the screen.

“Talk to him.” Gabriel shrugged. “When he wakes up.”

“Yeah but what are we going to propose? That we all sleep on the couch every night? He needs to sleep in a proper bed and you need your sleep Gabriel can’t have you getting stressed.”

“Will you cut it out with the stressed thing already? I’m not some fragile thing that’s going to break!”

 _‘And Neither Am I.’_ Castiel startled the both of them by batting Zar in the forehead with his whiteboard.

“Cassie…” Zar started.

“We’re sorry Castiel. We didn’t mean to wake you.”

_‘And how am I supposed to sleep when you’re arguing?’_

“Fair point. Look, we just… I know we’ve asked already but we want to talk about why you won’t sleep on a night and Kali suggested you might not feel safe and we wanted to know if that was the case.”

Cas shuffled, pushing gently away from Zar where he had been curled up and sat upright between them. He worried the top of his pen as he thought about what to write, looking back and forward between his brothers. _‘I want to feel safe.’_ He held up after his deliberation, looking a little defeated.

“But you don’t.” Zar said, a little sadly.

Cas shook his head. _‘I’m sorry, it’s not anything you’ve done. You’ve both been amazing.’_

“Do you think you can explain to us?” Gabriel asked.

_‘I can’t remember the last time I did feel safe on a night. First it was Lucifer and then living on the streets you were never really safe.’_

Gabriel swallowed down the sick feeling in his stomach at the mention of Lucifer while Zar clenched his fists in anger.

“You know we told you can come find us, anytime day or night, we meant that Cassie.” Zar said, trying to keep his voice level.

 _‘You need your sleep too.’_ Cas protested.

“Would it help if we moved your bed into one of our rooms for now? Or visa versa? Until you get used to things.”

Cas looked between them, deliberating before he nodded his head.

“Yeah?” Zar smiled. “So, who’s room we having the slumber party in?”

“Yours in the biggest.” Gabriel said.

“But Cas likes his view of the garden.” Zar countered.

“Up to you baby bro.” Gabriel nodded.

Castiel pointed at Balthazar and nodded.

“My room it is.”

………………………………………………

Kali let herself in at 11am the netx morning when she hadn’t had any replies to her texts all morning. They were probably still asleep, god knows her husband was not a morning person and lazy to boot. The twins would be ok alone for a while and she thought she could make breakfast while she waited for them to wake up.

As she got things cooking on the hob there were still no sounds from upstairs, so she wandered up to see what was going on. She approached Castiel’s door first, moving silently and hopeful that the man would have finally got a good night’s sleep. But when she opened the door there was no sign of Castiel.

Her heart started to hammer in her chest, but she forced herself not to panic. He might be in Gabriel’s room, he didn’t seem like a flight risk, yes, he had a lot to work through, but she couldn’t imagine him running away. When she opened Gabriel’s door to fins that room empty as well, her worry turned to confusion. Gabriel hadn’t been answering his phone and his car was still on the drive, so he couldn’t have taken Castiel anywhere.

She got her answer when she opened Balthazar’s bedroom door and her heart warmed instantly. A smile spread across her face as she saw the three man, Castiel Sandwich on the bed. The dark-haired Novak was snuggled safely between his brother’s, sleeping soundly, face buried into Gabriel’s chest as the honey brown eyes looked at him fondly before flicking up to Kali. Gabriel pressed a finger to his lips and Kali gave a silent nod of understanding. She pulled the door to behind and headed back downstairs to check on the breakfast.

………………………………………..

“So, Good night?” Kali asked him with a smile.

“Yeah, he fell asleep pretty easily, but yeah, after about an hour he woke up screaming.”

“Oh honey…”

“No, its ok I think, I mean… it was horrible, but it’s the first time I heard him make a noise since we found him, then he curled up with us and slept through the night, it was kind of comforting in a way and I know that’s messed up.”

“It’s not messed up Gabe. Your brother is healing, and it will take time. But he’s not the only one going through it right now. I know how hard its been for you and Zar to see him like this, so have a bit of sympathy for yourselves as well ok?”

“I just… I’m getting to know him all over again, he’s a completely different person, but every now and then I see him, you know, I see little glimpses of my brother. I mean, the way he curled up with us last night after his nightmare was just like when he was little and scared of the thunderstorm, or if Zar had been teasing on him and he was upset.”

“He is still in there Gabriel, but you are right, he won’t be exactly same. He’s grown up now, not the little boy you left behind.”

“I should never have done that.”

“It wasn’t a criticism Gabriel.” Kali said sternly. “And you did the best you could, you know that. Yes, a lot went wrong, but you weren’t to know. You held that family together for long enough at the expense of your health and you weren’t much more than a child yourself. You’re a different man now too, so don’t dwell on the past, focus on helping your brother now because you are doing a fantastic job.”

………………………………

“Look, Alfie, Anna… I know you are very excited to see Castiel and I am sure he has missed you both so much, but remember what I told you ok?”

“We know Uncle Gabe. We’ll be gentle and quiet and try not to get too excited.”

“We’ll ask before we touch try to touch him and I know he doesn’t talk.” Anna said with a nod.

“You are both so grown up and I’m very proud of you for being so understanding, I just don’t want you to be upset if this doesn’t go very well, Castiel has been through a lot and it will take him a long time to get better.”

“We know Aunt Kali.” Alfie smiled.

“OK then, let’s go.”

“Uncle Zar!!!”

“Quiet and gentle Alfie, quiet and gentle.” Kali reminded the excited child as he rushed towards the man, he’d not seen for over a month.

“Give your favourite uncle so hugs over here!” Zar smiled broadly.

“You’re not our favourite uncle.” Alfie said.

“I’m heartbroken!” Zar protested in mock horror, clutching his chest.

“That wouldn’t be fair to Uncle Gabe. We like you both the same!” Anna insisted.

“Well aren’t you two just adorable.” Zar smiled, pulling them both in for a hug. Gabriel took a quick glance into the living room at Castiel. He was sitting in their usual spot but twisted round to face where the noise was coming from, with both hands clutched onto the fabric, just his face visible above the back of couch. Every fibre of him looked tense, his eyes wide at the sound of the twins in the next room.

“Hey, Hey, Hey. It’s ok Castiel. Deep breaths.” Gabe rushed over and sat next to his brother, but unlike usual Castiel didn’t move closer to him, but kept his distance. “You ok?”

Cas looked at him sheepishly, breathing still a little heavy but no clear answer on his face. Gabriel wanted nothing more than to pull his brother in for a hug at that point, but everything about the younger man’s body language was screaming ‘don’t touch me.’ Gabriel took a glance over his shoulder to see Kali look through in concern. Gabriel shook his head and his wife gave him a nod of understanding.

“Let’s see if there are any treats in the kitchen for you two.” She announced, moving out of sight into the hallway and was met by happy cheers from the two youngest.

“If need a bit of time before they come through that’s ok and if you’re not ready today that’s ok too.” Gabriel reassured Castiel but kept his distance. “I know its hard and you probably don’t know yourself, but I need you to tell me what you need as best you can ok?” He asked gently. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Castiel as staring at a spot on the wall determinedly, brow furrowed in a frown he took a few deep breaths and calmed himself before reaching for his whiteboard.

 _‘I’m ok. I just need a minute._ ’ Cas nodded.

“That’s fine. We can do that.” Gabriel smiled.

 _‘Do they know I can’t talk?’_ Cas asked, the tension flooding back into his shoulders.

“Yes, they know.” Gabe confirmed and Cas nodded, though it seemed to do little to ease the turmoil of emotions running behind his eyes. “Cassie I really don’t want you to get worked up over this. They’re your little brother and sister and they love you, ok? They’re nervous too. If this is too much, I want you to be honest with me, no one will be upset, but I understand if you feel you need to do this as well ok? Just talk to me.”

 _‘I’_ … Castiel wrote but stopped in his tracks and then rubbed it out. ‘ _They need to see me.’_

“No, they don’t. All that matters is if you need to see them or not, if you’re ready to or not, ok?”

 _‘I don’t know Gabriel.’_ Cas’s writing almost seemed to convey a sigh.

“Then maybe, we should just call it a night ok?” Gabriel said a little more definitively and Cas’ frown deepened sharply. “Cas?” Gabriel asked, confused and a little worried.

 _‘No, I can do this.’_ Cas wrote with a determined nod.

“Are you sure?”

‘Yes.’ He wrote angrily.

“Ok, I’ll go see what they’re up to and bring them through. I’ll give you a warning first though ok?”

Cas nodded and Gabriel headed for the kitchen with a nervous exhale. He met Kali’s eye as he entered the room to see the kids enjoying Jello and sprinkles, no doubt a concoction of Zar’s who seemed to be wearing most of his. The look between the husband ad wife seemed to convey everything that was needed between the two of them and although Zar didn’t speak their little language, the dark look in Gabriel’s eye told him things were on shaky ground.

“I think your brother is ready to see you both.”

“Really?” They exclaimed simultaneously.

“Yes.” Gabriel smiled at their enthusiasm. “But Castiel isn’t feeling so great at the moment, so be patient and gentle with him ok and remember no matter what happens he loves you very much.”

“We know.” Alfie smiled. “We’ll be good, we promise.”

“You’re never good.” Anna giggled in protest.

“I can be Good!” Alfie pouted. “Especially for Castiel!”

“I’m sure you can Alfie, follow me through but wait by the stairs till I call you ok?”

“Yes, Uncle Gabe.”

Balthazar shuffled to his feet quickly to reach his brother’s side.

Is this going to work?” Zar whispered to Gabriel hesitantly as they approached the living room.

Gabriel sighed. “Not a clue. Quite frankly I don’t think he’s ready, but he’s insistent.”

“I’ll bare that in mind.” Zar nodded.

“You ready Cassie?” Gabriel asked as they rounded the corner. Cas nodded firmly but his eyes betrayed his nervousness and he swallowed as if his throat were as dry as the Sahara.

“Come on through you two.” Zar called and they quickly appeared, shepherded closely by Kali. As soon as they could see Castiel however the pair of them were struck with a sudden bout of either shyness or nervousness, probably both, and became routed to the spot. Castiel had their back to them and was sitting tensely, taking deep levelling breaths.

“Go on, its ok.” Kali encouraged and the twins shared look before nodding to each other and approaching the sofa were Castiel was sat, looking up at their brother with hopeful eyes.

“Hello Castiel.” Alfie said quietly and Cas’ head turned slowly to them both, which brought a smile out on both their faces. Castiel however, went riding in his seat. From where they were stood, Kali wasn’t even sure he was breathing, his eyes were wide, like a rabbit in the headlights.

“Ok, lets stop this before it explodes.” Gabriel sighed moving forward, but Kali stopped him.

“Give him a chance to snap out of it.” She guided and Gabriel reluctantly stepped down for now.

“Can I give you a hug Castiel?” Anna asked. Castiel didn’t move a muscle, making no move for the whiteboard on the seat next to him. Thankfully the twins had listened about waiting for permission and made no further move towards their struggling brother.

“We really missed you and we’re so glad you’re ok.” Anna tried, looking a little less excited and more nervous at Castiel’s reaction.

“Aunt Kali and Uncle Gabe said you’re not feeling very well… I hope you get better soon. We made you a card.” Alfie offered the hand made ‘get well soon card’ forward to Castiel, taking a step towards the sofa.

Castiel’s eyes followed and after a movement of not moving his hand reached out, concealing a slight tremor and took it. Alfie smiled widely and Gabriel relaxed by Kali’s side, while Zar broke into a grin.

“Anna did the writing and I did the pictures because she’s better at spelling than me.”

“But Alfie is better at drawing.” Anna conceded.

Castiel looked over the card as if it were something precious, carefully inspecting every inch and a faint smile crept across his face. He put it down carefully on the sideboard as he reached for his whiteboard and pen.

 _‘It’s beautiful, thank you.’_ He wrote and the twins were now grinning.

“Castiel…” Anna started nervously, and Cas looked at her with nervous interest. “I… There’s been something I wanted to say for a long time.” She said, looking down at her feet.

“And me.” Alfie joined. “I wanted to say thank you. You are a really great big brother and I know how hard you worked to look after us.

“And on the day you left,” Anna continued. “I said some really horrible things to you.” Cas’ face clouded over, emotion draining away until it was nothing but a blank canvas. “I’m so sorry for those things I said Castiel. I was horrible and I didn’t mean any of them I didn’t.” Anna finished, but by then it was too late.

What started as a slight tremor in his hands quickly spread, turning into a tremor that wracked his whole body. He curled up on himself almost subconsciously as his eyes glazed over and he started rocking in his seat.

Cas started shaking, rocking in his seat, eyes glazed.

“Uncle Gabe?” Alfie asked, his lip wobbling, but the adults had already arrived. Zar slid onto the sofa and started to soothe Castiel with words of comfort, but they didn’t seem to be making an impact.

“Sorry Kiddo I think we need to give your brother some space ok?” Gabriel said to the now distraught youngsters as they huddled into his side.

“Did we do something wrong?” Anna said, tearfully.

“No baby you didn’t, remember what we said, it just might take a while ok? But he loves you very much and he really loved that card, ok? That was really kind of you both I didn’t know you were going to do that.” Gabriel smiled fondly, trying to hide the worry from his face.

They nodded tearfully and glanced back at their brother. “Should we go home?” Anna asked.

“I think that would be for the best for now.” Kali agreed, gathering them towards her.

“Is Castiel going to be ok.” Alfie asked.

“He’ll be fine Uncle Zar and me are going to look after him. You go with Aunt Kali, I’ll come over in a bit before bed, ok?”

They nodded, leaving Gabriel and Zar to coax their brother back from whichever corner of his head he’d run to.

………………………

Well. That was shit show.” Zar sighed.

“Zar!” Gabriel scolded.

“I just... I just want to help him so bad Gabe, I don’t understand what we did wrong.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong. He wasn’t ready. But he didn’t know that, we didn’t know that all we could do was try. He’s ok now.” It was true. Cas had come back to them after 15minutes of being completely ‘not there’ and they’d managed to get him to eat a little something.

“He’s fucking depressed Gabe. He’s so mad with himself I can see it, its Christmas for Christ’s sake, we can’t let him be miserable.”

“I’m sorry it was my fault, I should have called it off when he was getting all worked up.”

“And if you had, he would have felt like we didn’t trust him to make his own decisions.” Zar sighed. “You’re right. Nobody did anything wrong, he was being stubborn, and we had to let him find that out for himself.”

“Well what do you propose we do?” Gabriel asked with a sigh. Once they’d calmed Castiel down, he’d completely shut them out, refusing to talk about it and acting like nothing had happened at all, thought they all knew it had. Castiel wasn’t ok and now he was sat upstairs in his room alone with his thoughts which is the last thing either of them wanted.

“I don’t know Gabe, but, and I know it was a long shot, but I was kind hoping we could do Christmas properly, you know? Me, you and him, Kali and the twins…. Maybe some of his friends or something, that Joshua bloke as well, I don’t know, but he aint going to be ready for that. I hoped it was going to do him good.”

“I know, I was hoping too, but it was a pipe dream Zar. We can always do it later, you know, when he’s a bit better, when we’re all a little more settled.”

“Postpone Christmas?”

“Yeah why not. We’ll have to do something for the twins but we can do it again in the ew year or something.”

“Yeah, well its all we have right now I suppose.” Zar conceded. “I just don’t want him to spend the rest of the day in his room dwelling on this. HIs head has got to be the worst possible place for him right now, I daren’t even guess what he might be thinking about and… well, he’s upset and we’re his brothers. A big brother’s sole purpose is to cheer up their little brothers and we ain’t doing a great job right now.”

“You’re right. But I don’t think we’re the people for the job... Our usual methods aren’t exactly a good idea.”

“True.” Zar conceded, thinking of the thousands f ways their usual pranking and messing around had backfired over the year and that was without playing them on people with a fragile mental state.

“But maybe he’d like to see his friends? He gets on well with them, he’s seen them at the hospital.” Gabriel suggested.

“And that if he has another meltdown?”

“Then there’s nothing lost is there.” Gabriel shrugged. “Not to tempt fate, but I can’t really see how we could make it any worse. If he looks like he’s going to react badly, then we’ll just clear the house and try have a movie night again or something.”

“Yeah sure. It’s worth a shot. Zar nodded. “I’ll ask him.” He said, heading up the stairs to his brother’s room.

………………………………..

Sam knocked on the door shivering at the cold air outside. It was still uncharacteristically bitter for San Jose, the news constantly babbling about the cold weather front that was slowing passing over their part of the country. He rolled his eyes at the others who were quiet frankly cowering behind him, having forced him to be the ‘brave one’ and knock on the Novak’s door.

It was already dark, but then again it was dark before 5 at this time of year and it was nearly 6pm when they’d got the call from Gabriel asking if they wanted to come over. The man had sounded really down even if he was trying to hide it, so Sam guessed something had happened with Castiel, which was worrying. It also made him wonder why there were here, to cheer him up maybe? Anyway, he’d warned the others, Kevin, Charlie and Dean of course to tread carefully in case. It turned out he needn’t of bothered.

“Hey Guy’s.” Gabriel opened the door, but didn’t immediately step aside to let them in. “Before you come in, I need to give you a heads up. Cassie’s had a bad day, I’m hoping you guys can cheer him up, but this really is an experiment. If he starts getting upset I’m going to tell you to go, and please just do it without making a fuss ok? And if it doesn’t go well don’t take it personally.”

“Of course Sam, nodded. “Anything we should avoid specifically?” He asked, subtly probing for information.

“Just keep it light.” Gabriel nodded. “General chit-chat, don’t ask him a bunch f personal questions or anything. You know the drill.” Gabriel sighed. “He had a visit from the twins today and it didn’t go down well.”

“That’s fine, Charlie can talk rubbish all night.” Dean

“Hey!” Charlie protested. “Well actually that is true.” She confessed.

“Well that’s exactly what he needs right now.” Gabriel smiled weakly, “or I think he does anyway.”

“Right cool, we got it, now can you let is in now before we freeze to death.” Kevin whined, shivering violently.

“Yeah sure.” Gabriel stood aside and let them in.

Dean didn’t feel the cold, not really anyway, but he couldn’t help but sigh in relief as they stepped into the warmth and God, it was like an oven in here! Gabriel clearly didn’t give a damn about the heating bill, but by the look of the place he was loaded, or at least his supermodel wife was. That said, the honey blonde looked practically roasting, as did that smarmy British douche of a brother who was wearing a sleeveless t-shirt and still looking warm for it. It all became clear when he saw Cas though. Cas was dressed for winter despite the roasting temperature indoors with warm sweat pants and a hoody and a blanket discarded on the sofa. It was no surprise, Dean realised. Cas looked better now, more colour in his cheeks and definitely a bit more meat on his bones, but the guy was still way underweight. And he remembers how Cas had looked when they found him. So thin, cold as ice… so cold Dean had thought he must have been dead until he felt that pulse thumping under his skin. They probably never wanted Cas to have to feel the cold again.

Kevin gave a low whistle. “Jeesh, nice place man!”

“Hey Castiel!” Charlie said with a warm smile.

As the others gauged that Cas seemed relaxed enough, they all settled themselves in the living room Charlie sitting on the sofa with him and Sam and Kevin picking a chair each and exclaiming at how comfy they were. Dean however hung back. He shouldn’t have come, not really. If Cas had, had a bad day, Dean was probably the last person he wanted to see. He couldn’t help thinking back to the hospital and how Cas had flinched every time Dean had moved closer and when he’d woken up to find himself alone in the room with Dean, he’d had a full-blown panic attack.

Cas was scared of him for some reason and it bit Dean hard in the chest, but if hat was how Cas felt, then he needed to keep his distance. He was still so fragile. The wheelchair looming close was a stark reminder that Castiel couldn’t even walk far on his own, he was still too thin and too weak. He looked so small, especially compared to his moose of a brother, but at least he seemed to slowly be starting to enjoy himself around the others. Charlie was talking about something animatedly, no afraid to be loud and exuberant and Cas was lapping it up, bright eyed and smiling every now and again.

Cas’ fear of him aside, Dean wasn’t really part of this group anyway. He wasn’t Cas’ ‘friend’, not like these guys. He was just that dude who he’d met a couple of times and had, had a bit of a fling with, hell maybe with everything Cas had been through maybe he’d only pretending to be interested in Dean. Maybe that kiss was some sort of… payment for helping him out when he’d got pushed in front of the car… it made him feel sick to think that maybe he’d coerced Cas int something he didn’t want without realising it. Maybe that was why he was so scared of him. The horror of that thought made him swallow as his stomach threatened to force its contents back up his throat.

“You ok Deano? You look a bit green.” Gabriel frowned, laying a hand on his shoulder and Dean nodded in response. “He won’t bite you know.” Gabriel chuckled, noting the way Dean had yet to actually enter the room properly. He’d been hovering at the door all night and he hadn’t exactly been subtle about it.

“Nah its good, I…” Dean searched his head for a suitable excuse. “I was a bit sick the last few days, just didn’t want to get too close in case I still got something I could give to him. I know his immune systems probably still a bit whacked.”

Dean remembered that TB resulted from and also caused a weakened immune system and if Cas got sick again so soon, the TB could come back. TB wasn’t a curable thing, it was either active or inactive. The body can fight it off and keep it passive, but if the immune system gets weak the TB will get the upper hand.

“We appreciate that. Honestly, I’ve practically been pumping him full of Vit C this week.”

“We’re both a bit paranoid he’ll get sick, especially this time of year.” Zar groaned. “But it doesn’t men you can pump me full of your shitty smoothies too Gabriel. My immune system is outstanding thank you very much.

“I suppose that’s true. “Gabriel conceded. “You never get ill and before this week I’d never seen Zar wash his hands, yet alone the food before prepping it and we’ve gone through a whole thing of hand sanitiser for Cassie.”

“You know brother dear, it sounds an awful lot like you are accusing me of having poor hygiene.”

“Oh brother, you know I would never do such a thing.” Gabriel said, in a bad mimic of Balthazar’s British accent. Thankfully that seemed to be the end of the exchange. Dean didn’t think he could handle listen to them bickering all night.

“Beer?” Zar offered, holding up his own from the kitchen.

“Best not. I gotta drive this rabble back later and the roads are icy.” Dean smiled falsely, but it seemed to have been convincing enough.

Hey Dean!” Sam was sat with the others, beckoning the older Winchester over. Dean stiffened instantly. Castiel’s eyes were locked on his and he’d suddenly gone tense after an evening of looking relaxed and happy.

“What?” Dean asked nonchalantly, not moving yet any closer.

“Come over here you jerk.” Charlie grinned happily. “We need to talk to you.”

“Bitch.” Dean mumbled under his breath and made his cautious approach. Sam seemed to be watching Gabriel and Zar out and waited for them to leave before he spoke.

“So, its Christmas in 2 days.” Sam said suggestively.

“Yes and?” Dean said, not getting what his brother was supposed to be hinting at.

“Well Cas hasn’t been able to get out to buy presents or anything. Gabe and Zar will have definitely got him something, and he doesn’t want to have nothing to give them. You’re not working tommorow are you?”

“No, I’m not, but shopping on Christmas Eve Sammy, there’s going to people everywhere, the mall will be a madhouse.”

“I wasn’t saying go into the city, maybe head to freemont, it’s a lot quitter and still has some good shops.”

 _‘I don’t want to be any trouble’_ Cas held up his whiteboard gingerly.

“It’s no trouble Cas.” Dean smiled, trying not to show his own awkwardness. “I’ll take you all tommorow, if your brothers agree to it.”

Cas nodded, but wouldn’t make eye contact. He was looking away from Dean almost ashamed, whenever the green-eyed man looked towards him, but Dean could feel the burning of the blue eyes on him every time he looked away. Castiel was on guard, he’d been tense since the moment Dean had come closer and there was now no doubt in Deans mind, he was the cause of it.

Dean sighed and moved to his feet. “I’ll go ask them for you if you want?” Dean addressed Castiel and the eyes disappeared to the floor again. Cas didn’t make a move to respond. Dean just wanted to get out of there.

“Do you fancy that Cas? No pressure, we can always get something for you to give them?” Charlie probed. He relaxed a little and shook his head.

 _‘No, I would like to go with you.’_ He wrote but didn’t look at Dean. Dean took that as his queue and bailed out of there as soon as he could.

“What was that?” Kevin whispered to Sam after Dean’s not so subtle retreat.

“I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.” Sam grumbeled. “Anyone want a drink?”

“Anything sugary?” Charlie asked Cas as much as Sam.

‘Gabriel lives here.’ Cas wrote, almost with a scoff and they all chuckled happily.

“True.” Charlie conceded, patting Cas on the back and the guy blushed happily, offering her a smile back.

“I know what you like, I’ll figure it out.” Sam nodded at Charlie. “Kevin, Cas?”

“Water for me.” Kevin yawned.

_‘Chocolate Milk. Gabriel knows which.’_

Sam smiled. “Don’t let infect you with his sugary ways Cas, there’s nothing better than a nice glass of water or a good salad.

“Bullshit.” Charlie scoffed. “Don’t listen to the rabbit here. What you need is a good burger and a sky high plate of fries with all the chocolate milk you could ever want.”

Sam shook his head and left the room, heading for the kitchen where he found his brother heading back his way.

“Gabe and Zar say its fine, as long as Zar can come with. We should all fit in Baby, so yeah. Midday tommorow.”

“Cool.” Sam said bluntly. “But what was that back there Dean?”

“What do you mean.”

“You know what I mean.” Sam growled. “Do you not want to be here or something? How do you think that’s making Cas feel? Its like you don’t want to be anywhere near him.”

“Because he doesn’t want me anywhere near him Sammy!” Dean blurted out and Sam could hear the hurt in his brother’s voice.

“What do you mean?” Sam asked, more gently.

“The panic attack at the hospital…” Dean shrugged. “Every time I come near he tenses up. He’s scared of me Sammy, its best I keep my distance.”

“I’m sure that’s not the case Dean…” Sam frowned, but he had to admit, Dean was right.”

“We both know it is little brother, you’re not stupid, or blind and yeah, I am stupid but I’m not blind either.” Dean sighed sadly.

“Ok, yeah, he is weird around you.” Sam admitted. “But I’m sure it’s not for the reason you think.”

“You should just take the impala tommorow.” Dean shook his head.

“What?” Sam asked in shock. “You can’t be serious?”

“I shouldn’t be there, I don’t want him to spend the whole day tensed up. You guys are his friends he’ll have a good time with you.”

“And you’re not his friend?” Sam asked, frown deepening.

“No man. I’m just that random guy that was obsessed with him and he only met twice. He doesn’t need me around, no wonder I freak him out.”

“Dean you need to stop this ok?” Sam said dangerously. “Yes, Cas is off around you, but we don’t know why, and you need to stop acting like you can read his mind. You can’t carry on avoiding him either.” He said firmly. “We need you there tommorow anyway. You’re right, there might be a lot of people and if anyone can be on crowd control and make Cas feel safe, its you. You always make me feel safe.” He added, and Dean’s face softened for a second at Sam’s admission, before it hardened again.

“OK Sammy, I’ll come. Just don’t blame me when it goes tits up.” Dean growled, storming away to sit on the stairs while Sam pulled at his hair in frustration.

…………………………..

Sam took a deep breath before he stepped back into the room with the tray of drinks and noticed the others were looking at him.

“Everything ok?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah Why?”

“Sounded like you and Dean were having an argument.”

“Could you hear that?” Sam groaned. Cas looked spooked. He drawn himself in, looking small and frightened.

“Not what you were saying, but yeah, we could here you bickering.” Kevin mumbled.

Sam sighed. “Sorry guys, it was nothing, honest, just Dean being a jerk as usual. We fight all the time, it’s never about anything important.” He clarified for Cas’ benefit.

_‘If its about tommorow… if he doesn’t want to take me that ok. You can tell me.’_

“No Cas, its nothing like that I promise.” Sam assured him. “We’re going to have a great time tommorow. Zar said yes as long as he can come with.”

Cas nodded, but he was suddenly very withdrawn, looking sad and tired. Sam looked to Charlie, but she shook her head. It was clear Cas’ mood was going downhill since Dean had been brought in and it made Sam close his eyes and sigh.

“Tell you what, why don’t you show Cas that Harry Potter puppet pals thing on your phone Charlie?” Sam offered. It was time for them to think about going but he didn’t want to leave Cas on a downer.

“Oh yes, you’ll love it Cas, its so stupid, but so funny. Did you watch all the films yet?”

_‘Yes, I caught up with Gabriel last week.’_

They ended up watching it a few times and each time Castiel’s smile got broader. Of course, the other’s couldn’t help but sing along and Kevin whined that he would have it stuck in his head for the rest of the week.

“Ok Guy’s its getting bit late.” Sam announced and Kevin and Charlie got the hint.

“Yeah, Mom will be mad if I’m late to dinner, so we better get going.

“Yeah, see you tommorow Cas, I can’t wait!” Charlie smiled, giving him a gentle hug, which Cas leant into happily.

“Dean!” Sam called. “We’re off, come say bye to Cas.”

Dean appeared a second later, wearing a tired fake smile that Sam would recognise anywhere. “Yeah, see ya Cas.” He waved and Cas gave a small nod, looking unsure of himself.

………………………………..

Sam sighed when they stepped out into the cold air and the door closed behind them. He really felt for his brother. Whirlwind crush or not, Dean really cared about people and Cas was practically on top of that list right now. It must be killing him to have Cas act so jumpy around him, wondering what he did to deserve it.

“You ok Dean?” Sam asked, as the others piled in the back of the car he looped a hand round his brother’s shoulder.

“I’ll be fine Sammy.” Dean sighed, patting the taller man on the back reassuringly, but Sam wasn’t buying any of it.

“Hey Deano!” The door of the house opened suddenly, and Gabriel poked his head out.

“Yeah?”

“Get your ass back in here, Cassie wants a word.”

Deans eyes widened in shock. What the hell could Cas possibly want? He must have said something along those lines out loud because Gabriel was speaking again, snapping him out of his whirling thoughts.

“I don’t know, get back in here and ask him yourself.”

The door closed and Dean just stood there in shock.

“Go.” Sam gave him a gentle shove. “It’ll be ok Dean. Go.”

Dean nodded pulling himself together and made his way back inside, taking his shoes off at the door and wandering through to find Cas alone on the couch in the living room.

“Cas?” Dean asked tentatively as he stepped forward. His heart was pounding in his chest, not knowing what on earth he’d been called. Cas looked up at him nervously then patted the couch cushion beside him. Dean nodded and sat down as instructed, waiting as Cas wrote something on his board.

 _‘Sorry.’_ Those startling blue eyes were locked onto him while their owner sat there, shoulders slumped and forlorn as he held up his whiteboard.

“Sorry?” Dean asked in surprise. “What do you have to be sorry for?” He said gently, a small frown glancing his brow to demonstrate his confusion. It was Dean who should be sorry, after all, he’s the one that had made poor Cas feel so damn uncomfortable around him.

Cas looked away, eyes downcast in shame as he refused to meet Dean’s eyes and made no move to communicate further.

“Hey, its ok Castiel. Tell me what’s wrong?” Dean said gently. Cas glanced up at him timidly, then reached for his water bottle on the sideboard, swinging it through the air so that it cracked hard into his opposite palm.

Dean started, for a moment not knowing if that was a sign of aggression or an attempt to communicate.

 _‘I’m Sorry.’_ Cas held up the board again and it finally dawned on the elder Winchester.

“Hitting me?” Dean tried. “You’re sorry for hitting me at the hospital?” Dean interpreted.

Cas nodded in earnest.

“Cas… Is that why you’ve been upset around me?” Dean asked gently. And Cas nodded again, a little more hesitantly. “It was years ago Cas.” Dean said, shocked.

 _‘I thought you’d hate me. You’d have every right.’_ Cas wrote. His body went through the motion of sighing, but no sound escaped his lips but a very quiet breath of air.

“Cas I’m not upset with you for that… I never was. You were scared and doing what you thought was best.” Dean said warmly.

Cas shook his head, Dean couldn’t tell if it was in disbelief or condemnation of his own actions.

“Look Cas.” Dean sighed. Honesty, honesty was the best policy. “Ok, yes. I was upset at first. I liked you, I mean, really liked you, I still do obviously… but after Jody and I found you and found out what that bastard had done to you… I just wanted to help you so much, I wanted to keep you and the twins safe and it hurt that you couldn’t trust me, that you felt you had to run. But I understand Cas and I don’t blame you, I mean hell, you didn’t know me, or Jody, or Bobby for more than what? Five minutes? You still don’t know us really I suppose, but the point is I don’t blame you for not being able to trust me then, I don’t mind if you still don’t trust me now, but I hope that maybe one day we can earn your trust…. That I can earn your trust Cas, because I really want to.”

Cas looked at Dean in awe, before a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Hey, hey what’s wrong, did I say something wrong? I didn’t mean to upset you.” Dean stammered, moving to within reach of Castiel, desperate to offer him comfort.

Cas shook his head furiously and, before Dean had chance to interpret it, Cas’ face was buried in his shoulder, fingers clinging to the front of Dean’s shirt. Dean wrapped his arms around Castiel instinctually, holding him in the way he so clearly needed. Dean was surprised. After months of flinching away from them all, Cas was clinging to him like an Octopus, but he was hardly going to complain.

“Does that mean we’re ok now?” Dean asked with a chuckle and a slight sniffle, that was definitely allergies and absolutely not him tearing up.

Cas nodded gently, still not looking up from Dean’s shoulder and Dean got a strong sense that Cas didn’t want to let go.

“I can stay if you want me to?” Dean asked, at that point not caring about his passengers waiting in the car. Sammy could drive them home, he’d walk back later if need be. Cas finally looked up into his face and gave a gentle shake of his head.

Cas reached for his whiteboard and wrote _‘tired’_.

“OK.” Dean smiled. “I’ll come see you again soon though ok?”

Cas looked a little sad.

“What is it?” Dean asked.

Cas scribbled down on his whiteboard.

_Tommorow?_

“Yeah of course we’ll all be here tommorow, I forgot for a second.”

Cas smiled and Dean ruffled his hair gently before he stood up and reluctantly left the room.

……………………………….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I hope that super long chapter made up for the wait guys, many apologies. Again I can’t guarantee when I’ll have time to do the next chapter and I should really update my other fics first, so I’ll just have to ask you to be patient with me, Uni must come first.  
> And thank you to everyone who has commented while I was away and those of you who have given your support and understanding about being busy, it is really appreciated. Thanks guys.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry... This took an awful long time, but its hear. The next chapter is proper fluffy as well, so I hope you enjoy it when it comes. Again, I can't write the a schedule with a highly demanding degree to complete, but it will never be abandoned. The story is planned out till the end.

“Wheelchair Cas!”

Gabriel barked as he ventured downstairs to see Cas hobbling round on his still weak legs trying to make himself breakfast. It was a good job Gabriel always woke up early and had noticed the absence in the bed between him and his brother. How Cas had managed to untangle himself from them both without waking either one of them was beyond him, but nevertheless, it had happened.

“Are you sure you weren’t a ninja in another life?” Gabriel chuckled.

 _‘Who says I’m not a ninja in this life.’_ Cas wrote on his board and flipped it towards his brother, an unamused look on his face clearly aimed at his comment about the wheelchair.

“Touché, but even ninjas need wheelchairs sometimes.” Gabriel said softly.

Cas huffed and started walking towards the wheelchair in the corner, seemingly in defeat and Gabriel turned around to get the coffee out of the cupboard. Then he heard an almighty clatter. He turned on his heels worry spiking in his chest.

“Cas?” Gabriel shouted, but thankfully his brother was still on his feet. The wheelchair however, was on its side on the floor, wheel spinning in mid air while Cas stood looking at it with arms folded.

“OK, I see how it is.” Gabriel sighed. “I’m sorry little brother, I am, I’m not doing this to make you feel like an invalid, we all know how strong you are.”

_‘Then stop making me use the damn chair. I’m not stupid I know to stop when I’m tired.’_

“Ok. I’m sorry, I know Cas… it’s just…” Gabriel sighed.

 _‘What’s wrong Gabriel?’_ Cas wrote, concern etched on his face.

“You’re bone density results came back Cas, they’re really low.” Gabriel sighed.

 _‘Yes._ ’ Cas shrugged.

“Yes?” Gabriel said confused.

_‘I was pre med Gabe, poor nutrition= poor bone density. I’m hardly surprised.’_

“Oh right… I was worried you’d be upset, feel like it was a setback.”

‘ _It is what it is. I’ll get better.’_

Gabriel smiled. “Yeah, course you will, I mean you already are…” He stopped, not knowing what else to stay.

_‘Gabriel, its fine. You don’t have to tiptoe around me, I’m not going to break.’_

“I’ll try harder to be less smothering I promise. Now what do you want to do today?”

_‘Dean is taking us Christmas shopping.’_

“Oh yes of course… I’m going to come along as well, doubt the wheelchair will fit in the impala, but you can ride in the car with the others… or with me, whichever you want really.”

 _‘Does the wheelchair have to come?’_ Cas asked, his expression less heated and more dejected.

“Cas.” Gabriel sighed. “You’ve got physical therapy starting next week. I know you’re frustrated, but with bone density that low, until your nutrition is sorted so we just don’t want you falling. One bump could be a broken bone and I know you’re sensible, but it’s a big risk. I just don’t want to see you hurt again, ok?”

Cas tottered over and hugged his brother tight, seeing the tears that were threatening to push their way out the corners of the honey-blonde’s eyes.

_‘I know. Sorry.’_

“Don’t be sorry Cas, nothing to be sorry about. We’ll take you for a walk in the garden later.” Gabriel promised.

……………….

It was nearly midday and they should have been heading to Dean’s soon to meet the others, but as Cas sat in the living room, coat on and ready to go, there was no sign of Balthazar getting up.

Balthazar, knew he had to drag himself out of bed soon. He was, after all, supposed to be tailing the impala with Castiel’s wheelchair in the trunk of the Hilux, to offer the kids some back up if Castiel ran into any issues. Kids. He’d picked that up from Bobby and Jody, but the truth was he was less than a decade older than these people, who were graduating college and going into professional jobs… something he never managed. If anyone was the kid around here it was him, an addict, an alcoholic…

“Zar, its quarter to…” Gabriel’s voice broke through the haze of Balthazar’s sleep addled mind. He had of course, woken up when Cas and Gabriel had got up. They still were doing their 3-man burrito for the sake of their little brother; however weird the outside world would find it was of great comfort to the three of them. But tonight, Zar hadn’t been feeling well, he’d rolled himself onto the spare bed they’d dragged into the room so he wouldn’t disturb his brothers. He’d spent the whole night in a cold sweat, and since his brothers had got up this morning, he’d thrown up in the toilet three times.

“Zar?” Gabriel asked in concern. “You ok?”

“Fine, fine I’ll be up in a minute.” But before he could shift, there was a hand on his forehead.

“You’re not ok, are you?” Gabriel asked, gently.

“Not the best I’ve been, that’s for sure.”

“You sick?”

“I think its… pretty sure it’s the withdrawal.”

“Ah.” Gabriel said, in understanding. His brother had been on and off with the shakes since he started cutting down on the pills. He’d wanted to go cold turkey, but he’d been advised against it and Gabriel was glad of it. Short of checking Zar into rehab, which neither of them wanted, he couldn’t deal with a brother in full-on-withdrawal as well as a brother who was recovering from a lifetime of trauma. But that left him with a decision. “I’ll shadow the kids today.” Gabriel said simply.

“I’ll be ok…” Zar protested.

“You will be, but you need the day to rest… I’m going to leave you here alone Zar, kids are at school, Kali is busy… There’s not going to be anyone watching you and I need to be able to trust you.”

“Trust me Gabriel, I haven’t gotten this far to jump off the wagon now. You and our brother need me, I’ve behaved appallingly my entire life and its about damn time I grew up.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit Zar, but I appreciate it. I don’t want you to feel like I’m not supporting you, I am so proud of you for this, I really am, but I can’t cope with being there for both of you all the time, but if you need help brother, please don’t feel that you can’t come to me.”

“I appreciate it Gabriel I really do, I know you can’t juggle all these plates at once and its fine. I know where you are if I need you. I always have.” He smiled weakly, swallowing back another wave of nausea. “I and as much as I don’t mean to sound unappreciative, I feel like death warmed up, so excuse me if I bury myself under the covers again now.”

“Sure thing.” Gabriel chuckled. “Can I get you anything before I go?”

“Bottle of water would be great.”

“No worries.”

…………………

They were a little late getting on the roads, but thankfully the drive to the Winchester’s was a short one, but long enough that Gabriel had put the radio on to try and avoid any awkwardness. After all, Cas couldn’t talk and yes, he could write on his whiteboard, but Gabriel couldn’t keep taking his eye off the road to see what Cas was trying to say, and he wasn’t going to spend this journey in stony silence.

Cas seemed content with staring out of the window, but Gabriel felt like an ass. He wasn’t trying to ignore his little brother, but it felt like he was. Thankfully he was saved by Bon Jovi.

As soon as the familiar lilt started Gabriel reached for the volume control, turning it up rapidly. “Love this Song!” He exclaimed, glancing at Cas who smiled back at him. “You probably don’t remember but one summer I played this so many times that I drove dad and Naomi mad. My CD went missing after that, pretty sure Naomi burnt it.” He chuckled at the memory.

“It's all the same!” Gabriel sung loudly as the lyrics started and Cas winced a little at the deliberate lack of tune to his voice. “Only the names will change. Every day, it seems we're wasting away.” Gabriel continued regardless. “Another place where the faces are so cold, I drive all night just to get back home.”

By this point Cas was chuckling at Gabriel’s… well, it could only really be described as howling he supposed, but if it made his little bro smile, it would be worth a sore throat for the rest of the day.

“I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride, I'm wanted…” Gabriel nearly balked. The last two words he hadn’t sung alone. It was a quiet accompaniment, rough and gravelly from underuse, but it was there. Cas was singing with him! He nearly stopped singing in shock, but forced himself to continue… He didn’t want to spook Cas now.

“…Dead or alive. Wanted dead or alive.” They sung together. Cas was barely audible, especially over the booming of the speakers, but Gabriel could feel tears threatening at the corners of his eyes.

“Sometimes I sleep, sometimes it's not for days…” Cas seemed to stutter over that line, and his voice filtered out over the next verse, giving Gabriel a slight pang of disappointment, but when they got to the chorus Cas was joining in again.

“I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride  
I'm wanted (wanted) dead or alive  
Wanted (wanted) dead or alive

Oh, and I ride

Oh, and I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride  
I'm wanted dead or alive.”

Unfortunately, this was cut short by them arriving at the Winchesters. Castiel reached to turn down the music to less deafening levels, but it did nothing to dampen the grin on either man’s face.

“You remembered?” Gabriel asked, happily surprised as he pulled the car to a halt.

 _‘Course I did. You played it like a thousand times.’_ Gabriel had to say he was a little disappointed when Cas picked up the whiteboard again, rather than speaking, but he didn’t let it linger. Cas had… in a way, spoken for the first time just now, it was a massive step in the right direction.

“But you were like 10!” Gabriel scoffed. It was true. He was more than a little shocked that Cas rememebered the words to a song from so long ago.

_‘It wasn’t Naomi who took your CD.’_

Gabriel gawped in surprise.

“No, no way! No way it was you… you were such a little angel at that age!”

 _‘Course it wasn’t me! I wouldn’t have dared and besides, I enjoyed the music.’_ Cas smiled and shook his head as he rubbed off the words to make space for the next. _‘It was Zar.’_

“Oh, he’s so going to pay for that.” Gabriel growled playfully. “I think it’s time for operation: prank war Cassie.”

 _‘Not that again. Please. It never ends well._ ’ Castiel rolled his eyes.

“Fine.” Gabriel conceded. “But I will have my revenge.” He announced, throwing the car door open. “Come on, shopping time.”

…………………………

Dean had heard the car pull in outside Bobby’s before he saw it. The loud rock beats of Bon Jovi had been practically vibrating the car windows when they pulled up, before it was turned down. Both men were wearing a shit eating grin on their faces too, so assumed the music was at least some part to thank for their happiness.

“You into rock music Cas?” Dean asked as he loaded a couple of shopping bags into Baby’s trunk.

 _‘I have an eclectic taste, but yes.’_ Cas wrote.

Dean turned to Sam and his little brother chuckled. Dean had always treated Sam like his walking dictionary when he came across something “It means he likes a bit of everything Dean.” Sam smiled.

“Well, I’ll whack some Cassettes in the deck, and we’ll see how good your taste is.” Dean smiled excitedly.

Charlie groaned. “Really, its like half an hour drive I don’t want to spend the whole afternoon with ringing in my ears.”

“Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.” Dean grumbled. Charlie gave him the stink eye. “Ok, his or _her_ cakehole, happy now?”

“Only if that means I’m shotgun?” Charlie grinned hopefully.

“Nope Cas is shotgun.” Dean shot her down, receiving a displeased pout from the red head.

“But I called it earlier!” Kevin protested.

“1) Cas wasn’t here when you called it, which isn’t fair and 2) he can’t exactly call it can he?” Dean threw his arms up. “Sorry Cas, not that we mind or anything, or that I’m digging at you… its just…” Dean stumbled as everyone looked at Cas, worried and wide eyed to see if he would be offended by Dean’s verbal diarrhoea.

Cas simply started writing and looked up, at Kevin in particular, then held up his whiteboard.

‘SHOTGUN.’ It read, in block capitals. He turned the board to Kevin, sticking out his tongue and holding up his middle finger.

Charlie Guffawed. Dean doubled over in laughter. Sam covered his mouth in shock, which quickly turned to amusement.

“Who are you and what have you done with Cas?” Kevin tried to say in mock horror, but could nether stay straight faced or offended at Cas’ actions.

“I think your brothers are starting to rub off on you Cas.” Charlie chuckled.

Cas shrugged and smiled, sliding into the front seat without further comment.

“Ok, for that Charlie gets to sit upfront with Cas and you two are banished to the backseat.” Dean announced, getting in the car before any further protests could be made.

……………………

They had a plan. It was a plan of two stages. Everyone had to get presents for Cas at some stage, and so, although they would spend the majority of their time as a group, they each planned to get 10 minutes to themselves to secretly swan off and get a present for Cas without his knowledge. That was the first stage. The second their stage of the plan was to ditch Gabriel for long enough for Cas to get presents for Zar and Gabriel.

The only problem was… no one had any idea what Cas might want. Afterall, they’d not really known him for that long even before he disappeared for years and now… he was different. They had no idea of his likes and interests, but thankfully Charlie was very, very good at stealthy getting people to spill.

“We’re off in here.” Charlie demanded, steering Cas’ chair to the left heading for a small quirky gift shop.

It was in fact a stroke of genius. The shop had everything, from ornaments, to books, music to the weird and wonderful. In the end they spent an hour in there, not buying a damn thing, but they quickly learned what drew Cas’ eye.

The man in the chair was clearly taken by anything bee themed and seemed to have a real interest in anything historical. Knowledge in general seemed to be right up Cas’ street, he browsed everything from animals, to geography.

Eventually they had to move on, they’d spent nearly 2 hours in town already and no one had got anything.

“I’m going to run back into that gift shop.” Charlie called, handing the chair with Cas over to Sam. “Saw, this little ornament my mum would really like.” It wasn’t a lie. But there was something else in that shop that Cas had been looking at with wide eyes that she really had to get. “I’ll meet you in that quirky little clothes store.”

“Sorry to hand you around like this Cas,” Sam said, passing the chair back to Gabriel. “But I really need to go grab a law book from that store.” Sam said, pointing to a bookstore across the way.

 _‘Its fine.’_ Cas smiled, waving goodbye. His eyes didn’t leave the store as Sam retreated and it was very clear Cas would like a look in that shop too.

“Want to follow Sam, Cas?” Gabriel asked and Dean quickly stepped in to cover for Sam.

“We can go in there next, something I wanted to show Cas first.” Dean said, frantically looking around for something and pointing randomly at a building on the right.

“The information centre?” Gabriel scoffed. “Why do you want to go to the info centre?”

“Yeah, its got leaflets and stuff, of things in the local area, was thinking maybe there’d be something Cas wants to do when the weather’s better you know, theme parks, days out, whatever.” Dean made up on the spot.

Inside they spent a bit of time leafing through pamphlets while Dean tugged out some suggestions.

“There’s about 20 zoos nearby we can go to in winter, there’s a water park as well for summer, tech interactive, a tonne of museums…”

“Oh, look the Winchester Mystery house!” Kevin exclaimed, teasingly.

“Put that back.” Dean sighed and Cas chuckled. “I’ll take you if you want Cas, but its just a crappy old house full of junk.”

“Don’t let your Dad hear you say that.” Kevin scoffed.

“Yeah, well he can go screw himself.” Dean huffed, trying to keep the bitterness out of his tone. “That sounds like fun.” Dean smiled, noting the laser tag leaflet Cas was studying. “Fancy that?” Dean asked, but before Cas could reply Kevin chipped in.

“Laser Tag, isn’t that for kids?”

“Shut up Kev, its fun. We should all go.” Dean protested. “It would be the battle of the century.

“Yeah, playing a war game against the Winchester’s, cos that’s going to end well.” Kevin scoffed. “And Charlie and Jo get real mean. They scare the shit of me sometimes.”

“They scare the shit out of all of us.” Dean gulped, sincerely. “We’d need back up.”

“Count me and Zar in and things could get really interesting.” Gabriel chipped in, peering over Cas’ shoulder at the leaflet. At that Cas’ eyes widened. Maybe laser tag, wasn’t such a good idea around such a competitive bunch of people… he started to put the leaflet back into the holder before Gabriel snatched it off him.

“Nope, not that easy Cassie. This sounds like fun.”

Cas put his hand over his face and groaned.

“Come on.” Dean chuckled. “Let’s go back to that bookstore and find Sammy.”

“What about Charlie?”

“She’ll find us eventually, come on.”

……………………….

“Dean be careful, you can’t use Cas’ chair as a battering ram.” Sam groaned,

“Oh, give over Sam, at least I don’t drive him like an old man. Cas need some excitement in his life!” Truth was Dean was bored. They’d all scored their gifts for Cas, Dean had also finally got himself something for Sammy, and all that was left to do was get rid of Gabriel.

“How about you ask him first Dean, instead of driving him round like you’re in a NASCAR race.” Sam hissed.

 _‘It’s fine both of you, stop arguing.’_ Cas rolled his eyes, swatting at them with the whiteboard. As conversation broke out amongst the others as they headed for yet another generic gift store Dean had, had enough.

“You bored yet Cas?” He whispered into the young man’s ear. Cas looked round curiously and shrugged, as if to ask what Dean had in mind. “This bunch of girls could shop all day, I suggest we lose them and find something better to do.”

Cas nodded and Dean smiled, glancing at the group he slowly turned the wheelchair, so it was pointing back down the hill they’d just walked up. “Trust me.” Dean winked and Cas frowned, then a second later Dean took off at a run. Cas gripped the chair tight in shock as Dean hooked his feet into the frame, so they were freewheeling down the hill at an increasing pace.

“Later bitches!” Dean whooped as they hurtled away from the group.

“Dean what the hell!” Sam yelled.

“Hey Winchester!” Gabriel shouted after them.

“See you at the ice cream parlour!” Dean hollered, but he had no idea if they were still in ear shot. As they reached the bottom on the hill Dean trailed his feet to slow them down, ignored the disgruntled shouts of other pedestrians at their antics and slowly brought their speed down. He glanced at Cas, making sure he wasn’t traumatising the poor kid, but as he’d hoped the raven-haired man was wearing a broad grin, his blue eyes dazzling.

Dean took the look as encouragement to continue driving the chair on as they reached the flat, making loud race car noises as he swung the chair onto two wheels, careering around the corner. He carried on till his lungs were screaming for air and he couldn’t run another step, finishing it off with a wheelie and the imitated screech of brakes as he collapsed on the floor triumphantly, gasping for breath.

It took a few seconds over the sound of his own gasps to hear, but when he did it brought him into an instant grin. Cas was laughing and it was beautiful. His face was flushed with excitement and the sound was deep and gravely, his little grin, and the way his eyes crinkled; the man was beautiful at worst, like this he was stunning.

“Well I’m glad you enjoyed that because our brothers are going to whoop my ass for being so reckless.” Dean chuckled, staggering to his feet tiredly, but Cas couldn’t stop laughing, so hard his hands were clutching his stomach which was likely incredibly sore by now. “You good?” Dean asked and Cas nodded, getting control of his laughter.

Dean steered the chair towards one final shop noting Cas’ look of confusion. “Thought you’d want the chance to grab something for your brothers without Gabriel poking his nose in, and this place is where the real Christmas shopping is at.” Dean winked. They were in and out in 20 minutes and heading as promised to the ice-cream parlour. Dean was pleasantly surprised to see that the others weren’t there yet, so he sent them a text letting them know they were both still alive and well.

Cas sharply put the brake on at the door of the store, causing Dean to run into the back of the chair. “What’s up Cas?” Before any answer could be given Cas had both hands braced on the chair arm, straining as he hauled himself to his feet.

“Need a hand?” Dean asked as Cas straightened up. He was going to lie, he was worried, but if Cas wanted to walk the 50 feet to a booth, he wasn’t going to stop the guy if he felt ready, but he would be inches away in case he was needed to avert disaster. Cas nodded adamantly and took a breath before striding forward.

“Where do you want to sit?” Dean asked as Cas paused inside, tucking the wheelchair into a corner out of the way. Cas Contemplated for a moment, before wandering through to a corner booth, with a good view out of the window. Dean smiled, picking up Cas’ whiteboard from the pocket in the chair as he went.

“Hope you didn’t order without us!” Gabriel announced as he barged through the door, making a beeline for his younger brother and inspecting him closely with a suspicious glare at Dean.

 _‘What are you doing.’_ Cas swatted his brother away with the whiteboard, his writing shaky, his shoulders tensing under Gabriel’s investigative eyes, unpleasant memories working their way forwards. Gabriel continued unawares.

“Inspecting you for damage, bleeding Winchesters running off with my brother!”

“I promise I would never do anything to hurt your brother.” Dean tutted, noting the increasingly pale gaunt to Cas’ face. “Go order your damn ice cream.” Dean said, hurrying the others away.

“Hey Cas.” Dean sad gently, not coming to close. The man’s body was held tight, he looked sick, like he was trying to hold himself together with everything he had. “Cas breathe, you ok?” Dean asked gently and Cas took a grateful breath as if he’d not realised, he’d been holding it, blue eyes met green. “Better?” Dean asked.

Cas nodded tentatively, but still looked spooked.

“Want me to talk you through the menu?” Dean offered with a smile, his light and relaxed demeanour putting Cas at ease. He nodded again, offering a weak smile. Dean smiled and opened the menu, showing all the colourful photos of various sundaes. Cas’ eyes lit up as he inspected the choices.

Dean tapped on one after a while, seeing that Cas was struggling and kept glancing up at the elder Winchester. “This is my personal favourite, but hell I’ve been through half the menu and they’re all great.”

Cas tapped the one next to it, the honeycomb sundae. Dean smiled. “Good choice, shall I go order it for you?” Put Dean was stopped by his hand getting grabbed suddenly by Cas. The man let go just as suddenly, unsure why he’d had such a knee jerk reaction. Dean smiled, moving closer and taking Cas’ hand back gently. “Sammy, one of my usual and a honeycomb sundae could you?”

Sam rolled his eyes but nodded, smiling fondly at Cas who was gazing out the window over the bay contentedly

………………….

“Gabriel I was asleep.” Zar whined as he picked up the incessantly ringing device on his bedside table.

“Sorry brother, just checking in.” Gabriel chuckled at his brother’s irritableness.

“Still in town?”

“Yes, but had some news that I thought might cheer you up.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Well, I was driving Cas to the Winchesters and had the radio on… and, I was wailing my lungs out to some Bon Jovi when… he started singing along.”

“He’s talking?”

“Not talking, just singing, but it’s something.”

“It awesome, that’s awesome, I’ll have to dig out the old CD’s. How’s it going?”

“Good, Good, I mean, Dean absconded with him earlier, but I’m pretty sure that was them trying to shake me so then can get us some presents bought.”

“I wish he didn’t feel like he had to repay us.”

“I don’t think its all about that Zar, but whatever it is, its doing him good and he seems happy.”

“I’m glad.”

“We’ll be back in a few hours.”

“No rush, I’m still trying to air the smell of puke out the bathroom.”

“Lovely Zar, look after yourself, want me to bring you something back?”

“A new stomach or a time machine… preferably the time machine.”

“We all want one of those Zar.” Gabriel sighed. “Will you settle for some soup?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

…………………

Dean hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, he’d been off to the bathroom after eating all of his ice cream and the rest of Cas’ when the man had, had enough after only half his dessert and it would have been rude to let good ice cream go to waste. Truth was he was now so full he felt like he was going to explode and he was worried that he’d been seeing the ice cream again soon, all over the floor of the impala knowing his luck.

Gabriel had been stood in the corridor on the phone when he overheard from inside the bathroom as he washed his hands and it gave him an idea. 15 minutes later he was sat back in the booth, with a carrier bag that it just so happened, contained Cas’ present.

………………………

As they pulled up outside the Winchester’s house again, it was already dark, but then again that was winter. Cas had fallen asleep in the front on Dean’s shoulder not long into the journey and Dean was trying very hard to drive without moving his torso at all and risk jostling his sleeping friend. The others were keeping the conversation hushed for the same reason, with the sound of led zeppelin playing softly in the background.

Cas was woken gently by the lulling of the engine as they pulled onto the driving, blinking away the sleep and yawning silently as he stretched his muscles with a slight tremble. He looked up to see Dean smiling down at him fondly whilst the others opened the back doors and got ready to unload the bags from the boot.

“You good Cas?” Sam asked and Cas nodded with a smile, sliding his way to the door. Gabriel’s Hilux was just entering the cul de sac and pulled up over the street, leaving the engine running ready to take Cas home.

“Quick question Cas?” Dean asked and the raven-haired man paused in the doorway. “You get any wrapping paper?”

Cas face palmed, a look of distress on his face.

“Hey, Hey, Hey, no worries.” Dean soothed quickly. “Why don’t you stay for dinner and you can wrap your presents for your brothers here so they don’t see.

_‘I don’t want to impose.’_

“You wouldn’t be. No obligation of course, but we have years’ worth of wrapping paper stock and Bobby always cooks enough to feed an army.”

_‘Then yes, I would like that.’_

“Sammy, tell Bobby we’ve got a plus one for dinner” Dean yelled,

“You staying, Cas?” Sam asked with a smile and Cas nodded. “What about you guys? You’re always welcome.” Sam asked

“Sorry boys, hot date with my girl.” Charlie grinned.

“My mom’s picking me up, family dinner.” Kevin groaned.

“Rather you than me.” Dean snorted. “Your loss guys.”

“Cas, do you think it would be ok if we popped over to see you tommorow, just for a little while? I know its Christmas day and you probably want to spend it with family but…”

 _‘I think that would be fine. I’d like that.’_ Then he added. ‘ _I will ask my brothers, but you are family too.’_

“Great.”

…………………………………

Dean had intended to help Cas wrap his presents, but in reality, it was dean that was being helped. There was a very distinct difference in the pile that Cas had wrapped and the one dean had; for a start Cas’ was larger, despite having had two of his own to wrap for Balthazar and Gabriel, Cas had moved on to help Dean and had managed to get through almost double the amount that the older man had. Secondly, Cas’ efforts were a work of art, wrapped meticulously they were neat precise and used minimum tape. The same could not be said for Dean’s.

“How are you doing this!” Dean grunted, fighting with a tangle of Cellotape he had stuck to his sleeve.

_‘You don’t need to use half a roll on each gift, Dean.’_

“Alright Smarty pants. You wrap, I’ll write the tags and stick the bows on. Maybe that’s something I can do.” Dean grumbled good-naturedly.

Cas rolled his eyes with a smile, turning up the stereo playing Dean’s collection of favourites and getting back to his work. They carried on working like a production line, the overly loud music the only noise as they worked. Cas was half-way through a present when the door burst open and Bobby looked in, face angry.

Dean dived across the room, trying to shield the pile of presents from Bobby’s gaze.

“Oh, give up Dean, I know what your doing up here. I haven’t believed in Santa Claus since I was 6 years old.”

“You could have at least knocked.”

“I did.” Bobby grunted. “I’ve been calling the pair of you down or dinner for the last 10minutes, but you idgits couldn’t hear over this din you got going on in here.”

“Sorry Bobby.”

“Yeah, well get your asses downstairs before the food goes cold."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this and the next chapter were supposed to be one chapter, but for the sake of getting something out to you ever so patient followers I thought I'd just split it and get this posted for you.   
> You'd have thought I'd have more time to write being in lockdown and forced to stay home due to the dreaded pandemic, but apparently dissertations are more important than FF so unfortunately thats taking up most of my time.  
> Apologies in advance, this was a little rushed and my proof reading may not be up to scratch as I want to go to sleep :)

When Gabriel picked Cas up from the Winchesters on Christmas Eve, he had, had a broad smile on his face, but looked incredibly tired. Grown man or not, Gabriel had been all but ready to give a speech about how Santa wouldn’t visit if he wasn’t in bed by midnight, but Cas was all but ready to pass out by the time they got home. Zar had perked up by the evening thank God, so Cas didn’t have to witness him in a state. Its not that Gabriel was ashamed by it, Zar being so determined to get clean made him so damn proud of his brother, but he wanted to keep the recovering Cas apart from anything and everything that could upset him, even if it felt like far too little, far too late.

They’d all been curled up in bed by 9pm and even if Gabriel had been a little bit reluctant to turn in so early, he’d fallen asleep within minutes. There was something so comforting about sharing a bed with his brothers, it took him back to their childhood. When things were bad at home, they’d used to do this, all sleep together in one room like they could protect each other that way.

He wasn’t sure what woke him, but he opened his eyes to the darkened room to find Cas sleeping almost on top of his pillow and he rolled his eyes fondly. How 6ft of man managed to curl into such a small space he wasn’t so sure, but Castiel was an enigma in more ways than one.

He heard a muffled noise from outside the room and then realised that Balthazar was no longer in the bed with them. A glance at the clock said it was 3:07am. Gabriel frowned darkly as he slid out of bed. Cas was out to the world; he wasn’t going to be waking up for a while.

Gabriel made his way downstairs quietly, heading to kitchen where the light was on and all the draws and cupboard doors open, with Balthazar rifling through them.

“Balthazar.” Gabriel hissed lowly, with a growl. He hoped this wasn’t what it looked like, but it was the middle of the night and his brother was sneaking around while he thought they were asleep after having a bad day with withdrawal…

“It’s not what it looks like!” Zar held up his hands in protest, slowly turning around.

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “What is it then?” Gabriel asked, dangerously levelly.

“I’m trying to find where Castiel hid our presents.” He shrugged and Gabriel face palmed. Gabriel didn’t know why, but every damn year as children Zar would get up in the middle of the night Christmas Eve and turn the house upside down trying to find the presents. They hadn’t celebrated Christmas for a long, long time, but clearly nothing had changed.

“What is your deal with ruining surprises!” Gabriel groaned.

“I don’t like ‘em, I want to know what he got us. He came back from the Winchester’s with that bag and I know they were in there, but then it just disappeared.”

Gabriel sighed, knowing his brother wouldn’t give up. “Where haven’t you checked?”

“Literally nowhere. I’ve done all the bedrooms, including ours, don’t know how neither of you woke up, the kitchen is my last port of call.”

“He can’t have taken it upstairs.” Gabriel reasoned.

“There’s literally nowhere to hide it in this house, its brand new, not like the old Beverly hills place with all its nooks and crannies. I even checked the garden, but I’d kept the doors locked last night and Cas doesn’t know where we keep the key so he can’t have been out there anyway.”

“It has to be in the living room, it’s the only place we left him alone for more than 5 minutes.”

They searched the room again, checking under the furniture and the couch cushions, on top of the bookcases and, well, everywhere, but it they were nowhere to be found.

“Hate to say it Zar, but you’re going to have to give up and deal with the surprise.”

“I’ve never failed. Not once.” It was true. Balthazar had always managed to search, locate and open all of his presents long before the family awoke, despite their Dad’s efforts to hide them each year.

“Well, little brother has outwitted us, come on, back to bed.”

Defeated, the pair trudged their way back upstairs, opening the bedroom door carefully. The bed covers and most of the pillows were on the floor, they started forward. Cas was writhing on the bed, all visible skin sheened with sweat, breathing heavy and pained, face twisted in agony.

“Cas!” Gabriel shouted. Rushing to the side of the bed. Zar moved too, reaching out to shake his brother awake, but Gabriel grabbed his wrist before he could. “Gently, don’t want him to panic.”

Cas arched into the mattress with a cry and Gabriel slid a hand gently onto his shoulder. “Cas, its Gabriel. Cas you need to wake up.”

“Cassie.” Zar tried, giving his brother a gently shake. Cas started screaming. He grabbed Gabriel’s wrist, yanking it away, nails digging into his brother’s forearm. Gabriel staggered, trying to keep his feet as Cas brought up his feet to kick him away, but Zar intervened first, pinning his frantic brother down with a practiced efficiency.

“Cassie, breathe, breathe.” Gabriel barked as blue, terrified eyes snapped open, clouded with pain and confusion.

“We’ve got you, just breath.” Zar soothed, loosening his grip as Castiel slowly relaxed, sitting up and turning away from them, shaking slightly.

“Hey.” Gabriel said softly, moving close, slowly pulling Cas into an embrace. He didn’t resist, in fact, he welcomed it and Balthazar didn’t need any persuasion to join the cuddle pile. Cas looked down at Gabriel’s arm, eyes wide as he saw the damage he had caused. Gabriel’s forearms were spotted with blood from where Cas had clawed at him. “No, No, little brother, its ok, not your fault.” Gabriel soothed at Cas horrified expression. “Barely a scratch anyway, come on, its fine. Not your fault.”

Cas nodded a slightly after a moments consideration as Gabriel pulled down his sleeve further to put the minor injury out of sight and mind.

“Do you want to… tell us about it?” Zar tried tentatively, but Cas shook his head in defeat. “Ok.” He smiled pulling Cas back in and the young man buried his face into his brother’s shoulder. Zar risked a glance at his older brother, worried both about him and Castiel. Gabriel’s face was white, his eyes concealing the pain they were both feeling, knowing it was nothing compared the horrors trapped in Castiel’s head.

Gabriel soon realised that the shaking of Cas against his shoulders was him silently sobbing, tears soaking in their t-shirts. He carded fingers through his brother’s hair, whilst Balthazar rubbed soothingly up his back. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, nightmares had plagued Cas on and off since he’d first left the hospital, but they were rarely this bad, then again, they were usually both there when they started, not rifling through the house searching for remarkably well hidden Christmas gifts. They felt terrible, what a way to start Christmas day.

As usual, once the tears stopped flowing, Cas slumped into them, exhausted. It was 4:30am when they finally settled, Cas clinging to Zar like a body pillow. At least that would stop the middle brother getting up again to raid the house one more time before dawn, Gabriel mused.

…………………………………

As a result of the nightmare Christmas morning became rather… difficult. It was gone 10am when Cas finally opened his eyes. He untangled himself where he’d clung to Balthazar during the night, almost embarrassed, and instead repositioned himself to hug his pillow and proceeded to doze. When Gabriel suggested they go down for breakfast Cas had demonstrated his reluctance to leave the bed by burying his face into the mattress and ignoring them. Despite the lay in, Gabriel could see Cas was exhausted. It hadn’t taken him long to realise that after Cas’ nightmares the sleep he got, was far from good and this morning the bags under his eyes looked more like Zar’s after a night at a club than one in a nice warm bed.

Cas probably felt awful right now, but it was Christmas goddamn morning and Gabriel was going to be damned if he let Castiel spend his first one together with his brothers wallowing in bed and too tired to face the world.

It turned out food was indeed the best way to coax the young man away from the cosy warmth he’d enveloped himself in. A small plate of pancakes in bed, despite his insistence he wasn’t hungry, was enough to get Cas sitting up. The promise of bacon was required to tempt him down to the kitchen. From here things slowly picked up.

Once they were up and about, Zar resumed his search for presents, not so subtly which had Cas frowning at him, in both amusement and confusion whilst Gabriel kept churning out the breakfast.

“Ok, I give up, where the hell are you hiding our presents, give me a clue at least!” Zar exclaimed, in exasperation.

Cas finally smiled for the first time that morning and reached for his whiteboard.

_‘Santa Claus.’_

“Santa Claus? How is that supposed to help, they’re not under the tree!”

Gabriel frowned. “Not on the roof surely?”

Cas rolled his eyes in exasperation and Balthazar’s eyes widened in realisation.

“No way.” He yelped as he barged into the living room and stuck his head into the unlit fireplace, twisting so he could look up into the chimney. “I don’t bloody believe it!” He said, reaching up and pulling down a plastic bag.

“You hid them up the chimney!” Gabriel snorted, his smile of amusement widening when he saw Cas’ own smug grin.

“You remembered about my present hunting sprees?” Zar asked hopefully as he brought the bag of presents back into the kitchen, dusting them off a little and laying them out on the island.

 _‘Duh.’_ Cas rolled his eyes.

“You’re going to be just as bad as Gabriel when you get pranking, I swear to God. You’re too clever for your own good, the pair of you, cunning as foxes....” Zar muttered to himself as he picked up a present with his name on it.

“Nah ah!” Gabriel yelled, slapping his hand away. “We open them together, go put them under the tree with Cassie’s and then get your ass back here and eat your breakfast.”

“But…”

“No buts, you’re not 5 years old, you’re a grown man you can wait 10minutes for crying out loud.”

“Ok Mom.” Zar huffed and Castiel just chuckled, shaking his head fondly at the pair of them.

The second they were done Zar ran through to the living room like his ass was on fire, skidding along the carpet on his knees as he slid to a halt under the tree.

“Cas first Zar, come on!” Gabriel whined.

 _‘I don’t mind.’_ Cas smiled as he was once again guided towards that damned wheelchair, which he certainly didn’t need to move 20 metres from the kitchen to the living room, but it was Christmas and he didn’t feel like putting up a fight.

“I don’t care if you don’t mind, its your first goddamn Christmas home, you get to go first.”

“Here.” Balthazar smiled as he deposited a large bag at Castiel’s feet which made his eyes go wide. “There all yours little brother, so dig in.”

_‘Seriously?’_

“Yes seriously. Reckon we owe at least 10 years’ worth of presents.” He chuckled a little bitterly.

Cas looked at them both in awe, his eyes full of gratitude.

“Don’t thank us yet, you might hate them!” Gabriel chuckled. Cas smiled again more sheepishly and then reached nervously into the bag, pulling out a small perfectly box-shaped present that was hard and weighty in his hands. With slightly numb fingers he began to pick at the Sellotape at the corners, taking care not to rip the paper.

“So, this one’s not really a Christmas present per say, it’s a necessity, but seeing it was that time of year I thought I’d wrap it up anyway.” Gabriel shrugged.

As the paper came away revealing the print on the box inside his eyes widened.

“Samsung Galaxy S20 ultra.” Gabriel spoke the words aloud, while Cas reached for his whiteboard. “You need a phone so its not much of a gift…”

_‘Gabriel, I don’t need a fancy phone, it’s too much.’_

“Hey, the only phone you’ve ever had was Zar’s hand-me-down Nokia brick… you’ve missed out on so much little bro, angry birds, flappy bird, temple run…”

“Pokemon Go, Candy Crush…” Balthazar added with a smirk.

“Exactly, so only the best for my bro.” Gabriel rubbed his hair affectionately as he slid back to sit on the sofa.

“If you were going for the best, you’d have got him an I-Phone 11.” Balthazar mused.

“Android above apple!” Gabriel announced.

“Never!” Balthazar scoffed.

 _‘I don’t know what any of that means, but thanks I guess.’_ Cas wrote, staring at the now unboxed phone in bafflement.

“Don’t look so shell-shocked Cassie, we’ll help you get the hang of it.”

Cas smiled gratefully and reached back into the bag, pulling out an envelope which he looked at with intrigue.

“So, we know its early to be thinking about this stuff and I don’t know what you want because we haven’t talked about it,” Gabriel started, “but we will of course, and we figured as you got back on your feet you’d want to catch up on all the normal things that you missed. So I thought this would be a start…”

Cas nodded opening the envelop, again delicately, and looked up with a grateful smile. Inside was a token for 20 driving lessons with a local firm. Cas had no doubt the choice of instructor had been carefully researched and his chest warmed in a way it hadn’t in a very long time. He had people who cared about him, who wanted to help get back something he never thought he would have; a normal life.

“They’re valid indefinitely so whenever you are ready, however long that takes, they’ll be here. And, of course we’ll pay for a car for you when we get there…” Gabriel held up a hand before Cas could protest the expense. “We want you to have your freedom Castiel, you’ll be able to go wherever you want, whenever you want, everything that happens from now on in, is your choice. Your life is yours; we’ll always be here to help and support you, but we won’t try to stop you…”

“Within reason.” Balthazar frowned.

“Yes… but whatever you want for your future we’re behind you 100%.” He finished solemnly.

Cas looked up at them both a little tearfully. He wiped his eyes on the back of his sleeve and started writing on his whiteboard.

 _‘Can we get rid of the wheelchair then?’_ He wrote, eyes wide and hopeful.

“That’s where the ‘within reason’ part comes in!” Gabriel chuckled. “I promise you’ll be rid of it soon, just let us have our few weeks of overprotectiveness ok?”

 _‘I suppose.’_ Cas conceded.

“Go on, there’s loads more to open.”

Cas dug into the bag and the pile of wrapping paper grew on the floor. It seemed no expense had been spared on the gifts, there was an I-Pad, A laptop, A smartwatch that looked to have far too many settings for its own good, a camera, which he really wasn’t sure he needed since the phone took better pictures than he’d ever seen…

There was just so much… so much money had gone into this, it was far more than he felt he felt he was worth.

His brothers seemed to sense the bubbling overwhelming wave that was threatening to crash down on him because suddenly he was wrapped in two sets of arms.

“Let’s take a break.” Gabriel offered.

“There’s one more thing, and you can thank Gabriel for this this. The rest is just stuff, we get that, but it’s hard to buy thoughtful gifts when you don’t know a person… and we don’t know you yet little brother, but we will. We only know the old you, so as tribute to that I guess, this is for you.”

Balthazar handed the parcel to Gabriel to give to Castiel, who took it in shaky hands. It was small and soft and the excitement in both his brothers’ eyes had something stirring in his stomach. He had no idea what it could be, but he couldn’t wait to find out.

It was the first time he tore the paper, ripping it away eagerly until his hands sunk into a soft familiar shape. His eyes widened and this time the tears rolled freely.

“I know it’s a bit childish, but you never used to be without it, so I thought you’d like to have it back.”

 _‘How did you get this?’_ He wrote, shakily.

“It wasn’t easy.”

“Understatement of the century.” Zar rolled his eyes.

 _‘How?’_ Cas demanded, clutching the soft plush into his chest.

“I may or may not have threatened that bitch Naomi with a law-suit of some kind and she’s near bankrupt from the scandal, so she took the bait.”

_‘I thought I lost it. When we moved out with Dad, I couldn’t find it.’_

“It was in one of the boxes… Mum had all your stuff packed up in the attic. We brought it with, its all in the garage when you’re ready to look through it. We thought you might like your own clothes, but I’m pretty sure you’ll have trouble fitting in them now.”

_‘Thank you, thank you both, there aren’t words.’_

“It’s our pleasure.”

“Yeah what he said... Can I open my present now?” Balthazar exclaimed.

“Fine! Then I’ll get lunch on.” Gabriel rolled his eyes.

Cas watched with both excitement and trepidation as cradling his precious cargo close to his chest. The present that Gabriel had reunited him with, was his childhood toy. Their father always brought them crappy gifts back from his book signings, but this one he’d fallen in love with. They’d never been allowed a pet growing up, but Cas had always loved animals. He’d helped look after the neighbours cat, Ginger, and formed a very strong bond with the animal. That cat had practically been his only friend growing up, but she’d been an old girl, even when they'd first met. When Ginger had died, Cas had been inconsolable... that was until Chuck had brought him back a little ginger cat plush toy, probably bought at a gas station and gave it to him at dinner. He’d treasured that cat, who he'd aptly named 'Kitty', and was never to be found without from that day, till the day their family was torn apart.

“The great Nerf battle of ‘09!” He was pulled away from his memories by Zar’s triumphant exclamation. It hadn’t taken long for him to unwrap the small nerf pistol and start tearing it from his packaging. “You remember that? Naomi and Chuck we’re out and we had that awesome babysitter!”

_‘It is one of my favourite memories.’_

“Then we shall have many more!” Zar smirked at Gabriel, who gave him a dangerous raise of the eyebrows in return.

“You’re on brother.” Gabriel smiled wryly.

“Wonder what happened to my old nerf gun back home.” Balthazar mused. “I’d only had it a week when I lost the damn thing.”

“I doubt you lost it, I reckon Naomi found it.” Gabriel countered.

“If Naomi had found it, I would have known about it.” Balthazar huffed.

“True.”

_‘It was my fault. I borrowed it one day and fired it out the window and it hit mom while she was gardening so she threw it in the bin… I still feel bad.’_

“How are you so precious?” Balthazar shook his head. “You can’t still feel bad about that Cassie, if she’d not taken it off you then, she’d have found it and thrown it soon enough afterwards.” He gave his little brother another squeeze, before loading the nerf gun and shooting Gabriel in the forehead. “Thank you little bro.”

“Watch it!” Gabriel growled at Balthazar. “It may be Christmas, but you don’t want to go starting something you can’t finish.” He warned and Balthazar lowered his weapon sheepishly.

“Ok, hurry up and open yours then we can get started on the Lunch!” Balthazar shoved Gabriel gently in encouragement.

_‘I’m sorry its not very exciting. I’m still getting to know you both again too. I only had our memories to go on.’_

“Whatever it is, I’m sure its perfect little bro. Relax.” Balthazar smiled.

“Cas this is…” Gabriel stopped as he pulled a book out of the remains of the paper that had housed it. “How do you think of these things?”

“What is it, let me see?” Zar asked excitedly and Gabriel handed him the book. “The baking bible.” He read the title.

 _‘You used to love baking, when Naomi allowed it, I didn’t think that would have changed.’_ Castiel explained hopefully.

“No, its hasn’t, I mean… I haven’t done it for a long time. But you’re right, I’ve really missed it.” Gabriel said, a little awestruck. “You’re amazing little brother. Come here.” As he beckoned Castiel to lean into his side and he wrapped his other arm around Balthazar it was Gabriel’s turn to feel the corners of his eyes begin to sting.

“Merry Christmas brothers.” Gabriel said, a tear of happiness running down his cheek.

“Yes, Merry Christmas.” Zar agreed solemnly. “And hugs are nice and all, but now can we please eat?”

…………………..

“Can you keep him occupied for half an hour.” Gabriel asked, shrugging on his coat.

“He’s 22 years old he doesn’t need babysitting.” Zar grumbled. “Where are you going?”

“It’s Christmas, I’m off to see the twins.” Gabriel reminded him. It was their day too, and they were both still a little upset after the failed reunion with Cas a few days ago. Castiel may be the one needing the most support right now, but Anna and Alfie had also had their lives uprooted, with Gabriel regularly missing from their days when they had just got used to it being the 4 of them was difficult for them all.

“What if he asks where you went, I don’t want to upset him?” Zar hissed.

“Just put Finding Dory on and he won’t take his eyes off the screen for 2 hours.” Gabriel muttered.

“He fucking loves that fish.” Zar rolled his eyes.

“Who doesn’t?” Gabriel snorted. “If he asks, tell him. We’re not going to hide shit from him on purpose, no matter what it is.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Balthazar nodded.

“I’ll be back before Winchester and co. turn up.” Gabriel yawned, pulling the zipper all the way up to his chin. Zar nodded as Gabriel headed towards the door to put on his shoes. As he was tying the laces he was stopped by someone tapping on his shoulder.

 _‘You’re going to see Anna and Alfie?’_ The whiteboard asked, as Castiel looked down on him with an unreadable expression.

“Yeah kiddo, just for half an hour… why? Do you want to come too?”

Cas looked like he considered that for a moment, then shook his head. Gabriel’s heart sunk just a little at that, but then Cas reached into his pocket and pulled out two small parcels, each addressed to a twin.

“You got them a present?” Gabriel said in surprise.

 _‘Would you give it to them for me and tell them I’m sorry, but I’m not ready yet.’_ Castiel wrote.

“Of course, baby bro. They’ll love it I’m sure. I’ll be back soon and your friends will be over at 4pm, so maybe watch a film with Zar, pick something he’ll hate.”

“I heard that!” Balthazar called irately from the front room.

“I know and I don’t care.” Gabriel yelled back. “See you later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please stay safe and well guys. I know this is a scary time, but it won't be forever. Just hang on and stay strong and remember you're not alone. We're all in this together.  
> Take care x :)

**Author's Note:**

> I have most of this fic drafted and have posted a fair few of the chapters all at once, but I can't guarantee a regular schedule as I am very busy, what I can promise is that I will finish this fic... eventually and it will never be abandoned.
> 
> UPDATE: I felt brave after the little bit of support I received for this series of fics so I have now taken off the comment moderation. I think I can handle any nastiness that comes my way and I hope this will mean more people will comment as posting this series again, especially the first fic took a lot of courage. Even a line makes a writers day.


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